stupid rant designed to waste my time (and the time of anyone who reads it.)

**********WARNING: may contain triggering content**********
**********WARNING: may contain extremely time wasting content**********

i SI last night.
it felt so neccessary.
dont know why.
getting urges again. i tried explaining an "urge" to SI to a councellor on a crisis line. got nowhere with it of course and ended up hanging up..

when i SId last night, well, does anyone else just watch it blob out for a while before realising that if they dont want to die of blood loss, they'd better strap it up ?

its difficult connecting with people again. someone saw my scars. WW3 followed and i ended up leaving and digging in to myself more. stupid.

everything's stupid.

ive notice (wondering if anyone else does?) that when i get like this, i take alot of risks and dont even think about the consequences of whatever im doing.
for example, i walk in front of traffic without looking.
etc.

maybe im hoping something will eventuate from these actions. i honestly dont believe i am. ( i'd know if i was suicidal. right now i'm not )

but its not really any use asking myself about these things right now.

my head's too preocupied with other crap.

crap like being a failor with my education.
and holding up someone with minor troubles who thinks its ok to lean on someone as brittle and wavering in and out of life as myself. but then..she needs me and i need her. i guess i feed off her problems to cover my own.

i dont know.
dont know anything right now.

i guess im gonna end my pathetic rant here.

ive nothing else to say about anything.

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Sounds to me like someone (maybe some "authority" figure) has accused you of "wasting their time".

You aren't "wasting" our time here

(((((((((((SlippingFast)))))))))))))))) welcome to PC, glad you're posting.

I have to admit, I was reading through your post and all I could think was "Wow, have you been in my head recently?"

Even if we think we're wasting someone's time, we really aren't. ESPECIALLY on a site like this where its the main purpose to listen, to ask for help and find people who understand. Might not understand entirely, but we do at least a tiny bit.

I've found that a lot of counsellors (especially strangers) dont always understand SI and the stuff behind it. Makes you feel even worse... the thing is, the behaviour is at least somewhat reasonable, it's just a way to cope. Might not be the most healthy, but it's still a way to cope.

I'm doing risky things myself. Told my counsellor about my urge to "play in traffic" as I put it ... and then some people have tried to stop me doing risky things (like that, and other stuff, not suicidal but thats what I do) ... so yeah I understand and I do it too.

I think a lot about being a failure in general... education definetely included. Maybe it would help to talk about all the crap in your head? If not IRL to someone, maybe write here?

And your post is not a pathetic rant. Like I said, I understand where you're coming from.

Be good to yourself, you are worth it. You are not a waste of time and all that other nasty stuff in your head is a bunch of lies...

And I apologize for coming across so strongly.

I feel your pain, %#@&#! happens and we all deal with it in our own way, sum ppl SI sum drink, other do drugs, each person has there own way of coping with the crap of life, I hope u feel better soon, and by the way yea i like to watch it blob.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. I just wanted to let you know that anywhere in your post that you wondered if other people did or felt that way, the answer is yes...yes.. and more yes. You definitely arn't alone and like canders indicated, have you been in my head recently.

I hope things get better for you soon.

((((((((hugs)))))))

thank you all...alot..

i guess i feel like a failure because im so behind in my studies as a result of my depression etc. i cant get myself up most days and everyone else in my family pretends to be friggen perfect and that makes me feel like total %#@&#!. ..

it just all sucks..

gonna go sleep...

thanks..

((((((((((SlippingFast)))))))))))))))

If it helps any, I'm behind in my studies too. (Darn exam on Wednesday, and guess who's on the computer not studying?) Sorry your family makes you feel like %#@&#!, families can sometimes do that to ya.

You aren't a failure, because being depressed is not your fault. I hope you take care of yourself, even if it is hard.