[ickydog2006]

NOOOOO, I'M NOT OKAY! WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME! DO YOU NOT SEE MY FACE...DO YOU NOT SEE THE BIG FLASHING SIGN ABOVE MY HEAD...THE LOOK IN MY EYES OF FEAR AND ANGER AND PAIN...DO YOU REALLY NOT SEE? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE THIS WAY? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO FEEL THIS? DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY HAVE A CHOICE? GUESS WHAT.... I DON'T...I'M GLAD YOU DO, BUT I DON'T! THIS IS MY LIFE. PAIN IS MY LIFE! I'M TRYING SO HARD TO NOT LET YOU FEEL THIS PAIN BUT MY FACE CAN'T HIDE IT ANYMORE! I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT ME AND SEE IT IN MY EYES...WELL GUESS WHAT... I DON'T WANT TO FEEL IT EITHER... DO YOU THINK I LIKE NEEDING TO SEE, TO FEEL, TO TASTE BLOOD? I DON'T WANT TO WANT IT. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? IT'S A PART OF ME... IT IS ME... I AM IT...DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT MY LIFE TO REVOLVE AROUND IT... I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A SAY IN THE MATTER...BUT I DON'T. I WISH I COULD SLEEP LIKE YOU DO, NOT FEAR CLOSING MY EYES KNOWING THAT ALL I'LL SEE IS IMAGES OF BLOOD FLASH THROUGH MY MIND. BEING COMPLETELY HELPLESS OF WHAT I SEE AND THINK. TRYING TO STOP MY MIND FROM PLANNING AN "ACCIDENT". IT WOULD BE SO NICE TO JUST SLEEP, NOT FEARING WHAT MY MIND WILL CONCOCT THIS TIME. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH ENERGY IT TAKES TO NOT GIVE IN...HOW MUCH I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT EVERY MOVE I MAKE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FEAR MOVING AT ALL, KNOWING THAT ALL IT TAKES IS ONE MOVEMENT TO BITE DOWN, TO SCRATCH, TO TRIP, TO SLAM MY HEAD. I DON'T NEED A BLADE TO SI, I JUST NEED MYSELF, AND I CAN'T AVOID ME, AND WHO I AM. I'M SORRY

I just wish they could understand the constant pain and pressure that is on me. They act like I should be able to hide this pain away from them. I'm guessing they have no idea how much pain I feel. It takes so much energy to not SI, do they really think I have the energy to hide my desire of it too?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( ickydog )))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

Well said. The worst is when they say we do it to hurt them. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I recognize that it does also hurt them, but it's peripheral damage. Do they think that we don't feel anything?

Somewhere, there has to be a place where we could all understand each other - we meaning those like us and those who are part of our lives. Where we could see that what we do hurts them because they care, and where they could see that that's not why we do it, and that we would rather not need to. But it is hard to work on not needing to, and easier not to change. We shouldn't let that stop us from trying, but it isn't going to happen instantly, either.

((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))

Rap