I am not even trying.

Last week I called my T in the middle of the week to tell him that my SI had gotten out of control. We made a small contract that was put in effect for the following two days until I saw him.

Neither my nor I like contracts very much. He is a psychoanalytic therapist and I am a psychoanalytic therapist-to-be. So when I saw him last Friday we talked about how I don't wanna make up this big contract or anything... and he said that I can call him anytime to make a little contract if I feel like things are getting out of control... because I did stick to the mini two-day contract.

But since Friday, I have cut every single night except one. At times, it becomes more of a ritual rather than an emotional release. I can't stop because it is so much a part of who I am-- I realized that in therapy last week. That if I'm not cutting it's almost like I don't know myself. It's just so familar to me.

I feel bad about myself though b/c it's like I'm not even trying to stop. In fact I'm doing it even when I don't really feel as though I need it-- on the nights when deep down I feel like I probably could go to bed without doing it-- I do it anyway.

There are so many complexities to my SI.

(((((((((( pinksoil )))))))))))

i know the feeling. i was better for a while, now i have slipped so far back down, i dont even care anymore who knows.. i just want to rip my skin to shreds... i dont want to feel inside anymore.

i understand pink - sometimes it is the ritual. but u know, i am finding now that at times when i want to ritually, i am not numb enough to do it - it causes pain. i think (and i may be wrong) this may be a sign of healing. Not that I expect to be sured in a week's time... but it may be a begining.
kiya