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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: The North.
Posts: 1,105
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#1
I'm not sure why it happened. I was feeling really low last night and all of a sudden I the thought "I wonder what it'd be like to cut myself" popped into my head. When I'm really low or very anxious (I suffer from both clinical depression as well as several anxiety disorders and I'm also diagnosed with autism) I sometimes think about hurting myself to punish myself but I've never crossed that line until yesterday (well, except for occasionally hitting myself in the head when I get overwhelmed). I had been drinking with a friend a few hours before that so I guess my inhibitions were lowered and when the thought popped into my mind I just got up, went into the kitchen, found a sharp knife and cut myself.
I felt really ashamed right after it happened. Still do. It's about 3:30pm the next day and I've been feeling so ashamed all day. The wound has been stinging all day so it's not like I can forget it's there. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe feeling this way will keep me from engaging in this sort of self-injorious behaviour again. I don't know. At the same time I'm worried it'll be easier to cross the line now that I've already done it once. Anyway, I wish I had someone to talk to about this but don't feel like I do (well, there are people I could tell but I don't dare to) so I thought I'd write about it and post it here. I'm not sure if I have any questions or anything. Guess I'm just looking for support. I hope this post isn't too stupid. Thanks for reading. |
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Anonymous50909, Anonymous87914, Bill3, Bookworm257, Kibou, possum220, Unhinged88
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Anonymous45127
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
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#2
(((((neutrino)))))
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neutrino
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#3
Hugs. Your post is not stupid. The first time I cut, it was a deliberate decision to see if it would lift the emotional pain I was in. That was after years of banging my head, hitting myself, biting etc. I was approaching 25 when I did it.
I'm sorry you're in such pain. You're not alone. If you are on reddit, r/selfharm is a supportive community too. |
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neutrino
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Location: France
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#4
Hey, you don't have to feel ashamed about this. Would you blame a friend if they were harming themselves ?
Tbh I tend to hurt myself too, and I know this feeling of self-hate and wanting to punish yourself.. And i know how distressing it is, it breaks my heart to see that you are going through that too It's not stupid to be open about the issue and seek out for help.. It's actually very brave of you (: If you want someone to talk to, maybe you can talk to me ? I'll do my best to listen to you and to make you feel understood >-< anyway, I'm sending you tons of love and wish things will get better for you *hugs thightly* __________________ Avatar by Hyanna Natsu- |
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neutrino
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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: The North.
Posts: 1,105
11 13 hugs
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#5
Well, it happened again. Disappointed with myself, though I feel good/relieved about it at the same time (because I feel I deserve to be punished), which is strange. I sort of feel like I should punish myself even more but I won't. Not right now anyway.
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Bill3, Kibou
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Member Since Jan 2015
Location: Canada
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#6
Wow, I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I'm sorry you felt the need to engage in SH again. It's a really slippery slope, once you start and experience that relief it's hard to stop. I cut off and on over the years, seems to happen when my inhibitions are lowered like you said, or when I am in such emotional pain that nothing is helping. I hope you can seek help before this becomes more of a pattern for you
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Bill3, neutrino
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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: The North.
Posts: 1,105
11 13 hugs
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#7
Quote:
You guys are literally the only ones in the world who know about this. There are only two people I'd like to tell in real life (my psychologist and my best friend) but I can't tell either of them. Still need someone to know about this though so I might keep posting here. We'll see. |
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Bill3
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#8
What would be bad about telling your psychologist?
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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: The North.
Posts: 1,105
11 13 hugs
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#9
I'm afraid she'll "dump" me if I tell her about it. Not because she wouldn't be able to handle it but since she specialises in autism I guess I'm worried my self-harm wouldn't be her area of expertise and that she'd therefore refer me to someone else, which would be awful. I'm probably overthinking this but I can't risk it.
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Bill3
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Bill3
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#10
(((((neutrino)))))
That makes sense. How much is she able to help with your depression and anxiety? |
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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: The North.
Posts: 1,105
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#11
A lot. She (along with antidepressants) has saved my life and we're currently working on my self-hatred, which is helpful. She knows I experience thoughts of self-harm (but she doesn't know I've acted on them) so we're working on it. Hoping that'll help. I just don't like that I've actually started harming myself.
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Bill3
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#12
She means an enormous amount to you. No wonder you would not want to lose her. How did she react when she learned that you had thoughts of self-harm?
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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: The North.
Posts: 1,105
11 13 hugs
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#13
Quote:
When I told her about my thoughts of self-harm she tried to help me understand why I'm having those thoughts. She helped me identify and define the thought process and, like I said, now we're working on my self-hatred since that seems to be the main reason for wanting to hurt myself. |
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
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#14
It sounds like she works openly with you on self-hatred and associated thoughts of self-harm, without judging you in any way.
Also, since you said that she saved your life, I am thinking that she has been open to speaking with you about thoughts of suicide. She sound like she works willingly, nonjudgmentally, and skillfully with you on all of these topics. How long have you been seeing her? And how long would you say that you have been discussing thoughts of self-harm with her? Thanks for being willing to speak with me here. |
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neutrino
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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: The North.
Posts: 1,105
11 13 hugs
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#15
Quote:
Quote:
Thank you! |
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
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#16
You feel like you crossed a line by actually self-harming and you are not sure that she will want to be with you on the other side of that line. I would guess that it is similar with suicide?: if you were to attempt, you would worry that she would not stay with you then either?
It sounds like you experience a lot of shame, and have for a long time. I'm really sorry for that, and for the pain that it brings you. I wonder if she is aware of anything that you have done that feels shameful to you. I'm not asking what those things (if any) might be, I am just wondering if she is already aware of you doing something that feels shameful to you. If she is, how did she react when she learned of it/them? How has her knowledge affected you relationship with her (if at all)? |
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neutrino
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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: The North.
Posts: 1,105
11 13 hugs
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#17
Quote:
Quote:
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,938
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#18
Mainly your shame relates to who you are, and she continues to work with you knowing who you are and in fact thinking that you are a good person. With cutting, though, the shame that you might feel has to do with what you have done. Not that you never did anything wrong before, but you can’t think of any outright shameful action that you have done (besides, you think, cutting). You aren’t sure how she would respond to this news about you and you don’t want to risk how she might respond: This is new territory for you.
What evidence, based on knowing her for three years, do you have about how she might respond? Also: what makes cutting feel shameful for you? |
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#19
You mentioned in your first post that you cut yourself in order to punish yourself...I'm wondering why you are punishing yourself? What do you think you might have done that deserves punishment?
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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: The North.
Posts: 1,105
11 13 hugs
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#20
Quote:
I think the reason I'm ashamed of the cutting is that I feel like it goes against the "rule" that you're not supposed to hurt yourself. Feels like it's unethical somehow. It's not really about what I've done but about who I am. I don't like myself. Who I am has made me fail at things I didn't want to fail at. Things like that. |
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Anonymous87914, Bill3
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Bill3
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