[UhMe]

I haven't SI'ed in about 3 years, but I feel like relapse is inevitable at this point and its going to come sooner rather than later.

The only thing going through my head is asking myself "why am I still so f***ed up"

I feel like I should be over this by now. I've had the same problems for 12 years. But Im not. Im stuck. And the worst part about it, in the 3 years that everything has been ok, the 3 years my downswings (bipolar) havent been that bad, I've missed it. My mind is seriously screwed up. I hate feeling like this, but I've missed it at the same time.

I hope to god someone understands this, because it's confusing the hell out of me.

[booa]

I don't have much to offer you for advice, but a therapist certainly would. Assuming you don't have one. When you say you hate feeling screwed up, but miss it, it seems that you like the feeling too. Is it because it's been around so long you find comfort in it? Or perhaps you like, say, deviating from the norm?

[UhMe]

Maybe because I'd gotten so used to it.

I didn't feel "normal". It was like I lost my identity. And I know how screwed up that sounds. Believe me when I say I want to be better. But at the same time, I don't want to feel that empty, void feeling either.

I don't think there is anything that can be said or done. I guess I really just wanted to vent. I feel like I'm stuck in a catch 22 and it sucks. :'(