[SlumberKitty]

Hi everyone, so I saw T last night in what must have been the most bizarre session I've ever had. Enough about that. The one thing that came out of the session that I can actually use is that we set a new goal for me for No SH. It's 75 days. Today I am at 52 days so 23 days to go. I was going to go with 100 days but T seemed to think that was too big of a reach, that I needed a midway point to get to first. So we agreed on 75 days. If I don't make it, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but hopefully I can make it. Hugs for anyone who wants one....Kit

wow, this is great.

hope you manage it!

hey slumber kitty,

how are you doing on your new goal

hope it's going okay

[SlumberKitty]

Thanks @raging vortex So far, so good. I'm at 60 days today. Even though things are stressful. Lots of stuff going on at work, and today my Dad got hospitalized. I'm trying to stay the course though....Thanks for checking on me! HUGS Kit

[SlumberKitty]

Yeah, not too sure I am going to make it to 75 days. I'm at 67 days but I'm having lots of SH thoughts today. Don't even have a good reason to have the thoughts, just normal, regular depression.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make my goal. I'm feeling worn down and too much. I'm trying but I think I will probably end up failing.

[SlumberKitty]

My Pastor T wants me to have an "accountability partner". Someone I can call when I want to SH and they can pray for me. I'm really freaked out by this because it's such a vulnerable, personal thing. I'm not saying it wouldn't be helpful, it's just a really big step that I don't know if I am ready for. He wants me to think about it and pray about it. He suggested a couple of names. He said it is okay to have thoughts of SH. I guess the implication is that it is okay to think about it but not do it. I'm actually really stressed out by this and what to SH over it. I don't think that was supposed to be what the idea was. Ugh. I see regular T tomorrow. I guess I will discuss it with her unless she is really wacky and bizarre like she was that one time when she didn't even recognize me and kept mixing me up with someone else. If she does that tomorrow I might just leave the appointment.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm thinking of you and sending safe hugs SlumberKitty

[SlumberKitty]

I made it to 75 days. But I SHed yesterday and today. I have to tell Pastor T tomorrow. Don't know how he is going to react. It is stressing me out. It makes me want to SH more.

[Bill3]

((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))

Good job reaching 75 days!

(((((((SlumberKitty)))))))))

[SlumberKitty]

Even though my arm hurts from the SH I did on Saturday and Sunday, I still want to do more. I'm stressed over telling Pastor T tonight. I asked his wife if she would be my accountability partner. I'm supposed to let her know if I am struggling. But I don't want to have to let her know the very next day after I asked her. I feel pathetic.

[Bill3]

It sounds like you feel truly immense stress about telling your pastor. That stress in itself makes you want to SH.



Please (if okay) let us know how things go tonight!

((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))))

[SlumberKitty]

Hi Bill3 and everyone who reads this thread. It went well with Pastor T last night. Better than I had anticipated. He asks a lot more questions about the actual SH than my regular T does. He asked like how much, how deep, how much time in between episodes, what were you thinking afterward, what did you try to do before hand to stop yourself from SH-ing (um, nothing, I was at the point where that was what I wanted to do and that's what I did, not proud of it, but that is what it is). When was the last time I had to get stitches? Was I watching for infection? He said that I want to do it (true) but I also want to want to not do it. I think of the Apostle Paul: I do that which I know I ought not do.

Possible trigger:

Romans 7:15-20

He was proud of me for asking his wife to be my accountability partner. We are working on a lot of trying to make my faith more real. I have a lot of head knowledge about my faith but it doesn't always translate into how I feel about myself and stuff like that. It was pretty stressful talking to him about it but I felt much less stress when I left than when I got there so I am going to take that as a good sign. I have some homework to do before next Monday. And then he will be gone for two weeks (minimum) because he is having knee surgery. It is hard for me to talk to people IRL about my SH but I think I will be able to talk to him about it. I'm just glad he didn't ask to see it. I was worried about that. I mean, most of it was bandaged up anyway so there wouldn't have been much for him to see, but it always feel like such an invasion when T's have to see the SH. Thanks for the hugs Bill! HUGS back, Kit

[SlumberKitty]

I had regular T last night and we talked about the SH. She actually gave me an extended session: an hour and a half instead of 50 minutes. Usually she will ask me to commit to a time of NO SH but I really wasn't ready to make that commitment right now. I want to want to not SH, but I want to SH. If that makes any sense. T just said she hoped I could make it through the week without SH-ing. It's hard because the SH doesn't feel finished that I did over the weekend. I feel like there's more that I didn't do that needs to be done. I don't know why, it just gives me that feeling of completeness and I am missing that right now. It's so hard. I'm really struggling with the SH right now. I know I would feel better for a little while if I SH but then I know if I do I will ultimately feel guilty. I just feel like I need to do it. I hope someone understands, I feel so alone with this. Pastor T said that if Regular T didn't make a goal for/with me for NO SH that he would do it. I don't really want to be pressured into that right now but I don't know if that is going to work. I just gotta see how it goes I guess. HUGS for everyone that wants one, Kit

[Bill3]

((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))

Would you be willing to say a little more about the feeling of completeness you mentioned?

Hugs

[SlumberKitty]

Hi Bill, usually when I SH, I have to keep going until it feels complete. I interrupted that behavior until I could get to that feeling, so I didn't get the same sort of satisfaction from SH that I usually get. I was trying to rein in my behavior so I didn't let it get out of hand. But because I stopped before I really felt finished, it feels incomplete. So I feel like I have to go back and do more SH until I get that feeling inside that it is enough. I don't know if it is a certain amount of endorphins or something like that. But I didn't get the complete benefit of the SH because I interrupted it. I know it is good that I interrupted it so that it wouldn't get too bad and I had to go get stitches or something, but part of me still longs to finish what I started. It's the self-destructive part of myself. It is rearing it's ugly head. It's like, "you didn't do enough, you didn't hurt enough, you deserve more hurt." Usually I SH until I don't hear that stuff anymore. But I stopped before that part went away. HUGS Kit

[Bill3]

Hi Kit,

Thank you for saying more about it, I feel like I understand better now.

Possible trigger:

This is why you think that you need more SH, the self-destructive part of you says that you deserve to hurt more, to hurt "enough", and it wants completion.

(I myself disagree with anyone that says you deserve to be hurt. )

HUGS

[SlumberKitty]

Thanks, Bill. I'll try to keep your words in my head instead of the ones telling me I deserve more hurt. HUGS Kit

[Bill3]

You don't deserve to be hurt.