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Default Jan 08, 2022 at 05:11 AM
  #181
I hope you make it through the night ok. You sound like you have been doing really well resisting the urges.
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Default Jan 10, 2022 at 01:48 PM
  #182
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I hope you make it through the night ok. You sound like you have been doing really well resisting the urges.
Thanks. I made it through the night okay. And the weekend. I'm still having urges though. They are moderate at this point.


Tonight I have a Zoom session with my T. I want her to be able to take away the pain. But I know she can't. I want her to wave a magic wand and make me feel better. But I know she can't.


So it all feels very hopeless. Feels like I might as well give in and SH.

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Default Jan 11, 2022 at 11:35 AM
  #183
I ended up giving and and self harming. I couldn't handle the urges anymore. I was cowardly and did it before my therapy appointment instead of giving my therapist the chance to make things better for me. I feel stupid now. I lost all that time I had built up. I wish I could cry.

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Default Jan 11, 2022 at 02:41 PM
  #184
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Default Jan 11, 2022 at 05:14 PM
  #185
Now I want comfort. I know I have to comfort myself but how? That is the question.

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Default Jan 11, 2022 at 05:43 PM
  #186
Thank you, T, for not asking to see the wounds.

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Default Jan 11, 2022 at 06:55 PM
  #187
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Default Jan 31, 2022 at 05:23 PM
  #188
I feel guilty because I found out my 17 y.o. niece is on antidepressants. I'm sure her parents messed her up. But I still feel guilty/responsible/like I caused it or contaminated her someway with my Schizoaffective disorder. Then that makes me feel bad and like I need to be punished. I typed this out in a text to Julieanne (my T) and asked to SH contract with her for 28 hours.

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Default Feb 02, 2022 at 05:25 PM
  #189
23 days today. Can't wait until I can get past 100. It seems impossible but I am wanting to get there. My goal is to make 2 years which is 730 so 707 days to go.


Today I am having some admittedly kind of weird SH thoughts that I have had before and acted on before. I was scared to tell my T in case she thought I needed hospitalization. I don't know her that well yet so IDK, I'm not sure what would trigger that "hospitalization button" that T's have. But since I felt like I shouldn't share it, made me think that I should share it. Since I had contracted with her to not self harm the day before, I was to let her know if we needed to extend it today. So I texted her and in the text I brought up the weird SH thoughts that I am having and also the fact that I don't NEED to be hospitalized, thank you very much.


She responded very kindly. She told me yes I absolutely should tell her about those thoughts. And that she's not worried I will try to do anything to myself but she is sorry that I am having those thoughts.


This hit a cord. I think it is a sadness cord because it made me want to cry. Maybe I am feeling of no value today. I don't know. But I am also really emotional today. I don't know why that would make me sad. But maybe I am getting the crying thing mixed up with sadness. I don't know. It's very confusing. I just know that T said the right thing at the right time. She's a keeper!

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Default Feb 03, 2022 at 12:56 AM
  #190
((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))
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Default Feb 03, 2022 at 11:31 AM
  #191
24 days today. I have to be able to make it longer than this.


I'm having massive urges today. Cravings. To do serious damage to myself. Sigh.


I'm currently contracted with my T so technically I can't do anything. I'm not sure if contracting is making it worse by keeping me focused on it or if contracting is actually making me safer.


I'm not sure what if any I should tell my T. I don't want her to push the hospitalize button. I don't want to be hospitalized. It would also jeopardize my place in aftercare if they found out. I don't want to lose that.

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Default Feb 03, 2022 at 12:22 PM
  #192
Hang in there SlumberKitty!
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Default Feb 03, 2022 at 02:24 PM
  #193
I told my T. She hasn't responded yet. I sent her a text. I'm okay for a while because I'm at work and there is nothing harmful I can do to myself while I am at work. This gives time for the urges to dissipate. This is what I am hoping for. I feel bad contacting T again. It's like sheesh. She should get paid an extra session for all these text messages I am sending her. I wonder if I should Zelle her some money. I guess she will tell me if so. I hope she doesn't decide I am too much work and bother and dump me.

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Default Feb 03, 2022 at 03:32 PM
  #194
Good job staying in touch with her when you find that you need some additional support!
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Default Feb 03, 2022 at 06:38 PM
  #195



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Default Feb 09, 2022 at 05:14 PM
  #196
My goal is to get to 2 years. I have 700 days to go. My T says putting it that way sounds depressing. I think saying I am at 30 days sound depressing too. At least I have been making it through this last round of urges. Riding the wave. Riding the wave.

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Default Feb 09, 2022 at 07:02 PM
  #197
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My goal is to get to 2 years. I have 700 days to go. My T says putting it that way sounds depressing. I think saying I am at 30 days sound depressing too. At least I have been making it through this last round of urges. Riding the wave. Riding the wave.
You can do it!!

I'm having a tough day with urges. Sometimes it is just so hard.

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Default Mar 08, 2022 at 04:39 PM
  #198
UGH. Kind of having a tough day with the urges. They don't want to shut up in my head. I don't even know why I am having them. They are just there, under the skin, bothering me. I wish they would just go away and leave me alone. Don't they know I don't want them? I asked one of my friends for help with the urges but she wasn't much help. She tried though. I can't fault her for not knowing the right thing to say. Afterall I don't even know the right thing to tell myself so I will feel better. I just wish that I did indeed feel better.

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Default Mar 08, 2022 at 04:51 PM
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Default Mar 09, 2022 at 08:39 AM
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I hope you feel stronger soon slumber kitty hugs
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