Bill3

ReptileInYourHead

I know the battle with relapse and trying to walk the straight line.
Now a days I know I will relapse, eventually, I don’t dread it so much because I know that it will again pass.
I’m familiar with the spectrum of feelings that go with it, yearning, stress, shame and guilt, but also the relief and the excitement, albeit short lived.
My relief doesn’t show itself physically on my body, not in a lasting way, and that makes your experience unique to mine.
If you cut or don’t cut, it doesn’t change a thing about you does it?
It’s that immovable part of myself that I’m after, I’ve been foolishly pushing against a mountain only to realize it’s not the mountain that needs to be moved.

SlumberKitty

Thanks ReptileInYourHead, this is deep.

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ReptileInYourHead

I e been thinking too..maybe it’s a mountain of fears. I stand at the bottom of it often, and look up at its enormity, and i can see nothing past it, only the mountain.
I wish I had answers and not just metaphors..

SlumberKitty

Thanks @ReptileInYourHead what you said resonates. HUG

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SlumberKitty

I've been putting Aquaphor on my wounds and have been keeping them covered. They are actually healing quite nicely. I'm torn about this. On one hand, I am glad they are healing and the Aquaphor keeps them from being itchy, but on the other hand, it's like, it kind of scares me that they are going away and that once they go away my pain won't be visible. I've never used Aquaphor before but my sister recommended it.

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SlumberKitty

Tattoo uploaded by Kaitlynn Haught • My first tattoo #firsttattoo #SemiColon #kitty #cat #wrist #wristtattoo • 614054 • Tattoodo

I am getting my first tattoo on July 2nd. I wanted to do it before my birthday but they didn't have a time that would work for me.

The semi colon is because of my struggles with mental illness, self harm, and suicide and the kitty cat whiskers are because my kitty cats help me through it.

I'm getting it on the inside of my wrist. I will have to do the left one because the right one is too messed up with scars. I messaged the shop and asked them if they would do it even though I self harm and he was like, yeah no problem.

I will have to hide it from my parents because they are anti-tattoo but I am looking forward to it. My sister and my niece are going to get the semi colon (without the cat whiskers) for me.

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SlumberKitty

Argh. I just had a friend tell me that she hopes my self harm wounds hurt a lot so I won't be tempted to do that again. Sigh. I'm not even irritated because this friend frequently says things I disagree with. I am just rolling my eyes.

I mean would someone say that to someone who had cancer or diabetes? Of course not. That would be insensitive.

Just can't believe people sometimes.

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SlumberKitty

Just texted my parents about the tattoo I want to get. I explained why I want to get it and what it means. (The semi-colon one.) I haven't heard back from them. Hopefully they let me do it. I mean I am an adult. But if they totally freak out I probably won't be able to.

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ReptileInYourHead

Some people lack certain perspectives, it’s not their fault, they are just lacking certain experiences, as we all do in one way or another..
Your friend sounds like she doesn’t understand your self harm. Some don’t understand deep addiction or even depression, it’s ok, it’s actually good, for them.
But it means they will say things about our issues that are ignorant and seemingly insensitive, when sometimes they just don’t understand and are frustrated because they are unable to help.

ReptileInYourHead

I’m still thinking about this mountain in me.
I don’t think it’s fear. I think it may be all of my potential, all the wonderful things I could achieve, the person I want and could be.
The force I use to push against my potential is addiction, it nullifies all possibilities of it manifesting, and numbs all that latent fear that comes with trying to achieve a “better self”.
But I still cannot pin down the source of the motive behind the resistance.
How did it get to this?

I won’t write any more on this in your thread, I was just wondering if you also have a mountain..

SlumberKitty

Hi ReptileInYourHead

First, I don't mind at all if you write about your mountain on this thread. I like hearing your perspectives and comments.

Second, I think I must have a mountain. I don't know what it is that is blocking me from recovering fully from self harm but something is because I have been doing it too dang long. And I have tried and tried and tried to give it up.

I don't know if it is abandonment, loneliness, being an "outsider" or maybe just plain old anxiety. But there's something.

Hugs to you my friend.

Kit

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SlumberKitty

I sent my parents a text message with an image of the tattoo that I am planning to get on the 2nd. Technically I am an adult and can do whatever I want, but since I live with them, I try to take their wishes into account.

Communicating by text with my parents is how I usually bring up difficult topics.

I think my Dad will be fine with it but I can guarantee my Mom won't be happy.

I usually call them on my lunch break....in about half an hour, so I might get an earful then!

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SlumberKitty

As anticipated, my Mom isn't thrilled about me getting a tattoo, but she didn't chew me out or anything. I didn't speak to my Dad but I know he will be okay with it. I really wanted to get it done before my birthday but it is going to happen after. My goal in Aftercare last night was to have this conversation with my parents. I hope it counts that I started the conversation on text message and then followed up with a phone call! The therapist didn't know what the conversation was going to be about but he was like very much encouraging me to talk to my folks.

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willowtigger

i wish you felt strong enough to not do self harms, i know how hard stopping is though, no judgement from me

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"It's difficult" Boxer "I know, my friend, please do it for me, do it for all of us" Jessie - Animal Farm 1999
"There are some days, dark and bitter Seems we haven't got a prayer But a prayer for something better Is the one thing we all share" Someday - Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" for my angel girl flying high
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RD7kFCSfvvY
The future will not remember, the past does not forget

SlumberKitty

My current no self harm contract ends with my therapist at 5 PM today. I don't think I need to renew it though. I am not feeling like I am going to relapse. I think I will be okay. I can always reinstate it later if I get to not feeling good.

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ReptileInYourHead

I think it’s great that you decided to get a tattoo
It’s a meaningful way to commemorate something important, in a visual way upon your very flesh, the ink, the blood, the pain and finally the art. I hope it will remind you of something whenever you see it, something helpful.