My self harm journey

The_little_didgee

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty I've been putting Aquaphor on my wounds and have been keeping them covered. They are actually healing quite nicely. I'm torn about this. On one hand, I am glad they are healing and the Aquaphor keeps them from being itchy, but on the other hand, it's like, it kind of scares me that they are going away and that once they go away my pain won't be visible. I've never used Aquaphor before but my sister recommended it.

I think you are on to something here. Have you thought about the fears of "invisible pain"?

It sounds like you were invalidated repeatedly. (I could be wrong.)

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SlumberKitty

Thank you, The_little_didgee

I do have a fear of invisible pain. It's why self harm worked so well for me for so long. It made what was on the inside come outside. But people still ignored it. I mean, that kind of makes it attention seeking, which it wasn't as I kept it hidden, but it made it visible to me. It made it real instead of whatever it was. It was a poor way of communicating for me.

I still want to self harm though. I'm having lots of thoughts of doing it. Wish I could calm my head down somehow.

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Bill3

What made it a poor way of communicating?

SlumberKitty

That is something therapists have said to me and I never questioned it. I will have to think about it now and respond later.

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SlumberKitty

Well I have been thinking a lot about your question, @Bill3

I think for me, partially, self harm is about communicating a desire for care and comfort. Self harm has always partially been about comfort for me. Not the act itself so much as the act afterward of bandaging and getting it taken care of and stuff like that. I am communicating to myself that I need/desire care and comfort and I am communicating with anyone who I choose to show my wounds to whether that be a friend, a therapist, or a doctor. The latter two are kind of dangerous because they have the option to hospitalize me!

I think it is somewhat ineffective when I choose that method to communicate to someone else because they misinterpret what I am trying to ask for: care and comfort, and nurturing and instead go into crisis mode or something else equally unhelpful. As for communicating with myself it is less ineffective because it is a very real way for me to come to terms with the fact that I am desiring a need to be taken care of and desiring comfort and care and nurturing and all that good stuff. Some of that I can do.

A better way would be to figure out how to communicate these things to myself and others without having to harm myself to do so. This is what I am working on to figure out. I am reaching out more to people before I self harm (generally) and that is probably a good thing.

I may have to think on it some more.

I welcome anyone's comments on the subject.

Thank you for reading this far!

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willowtigger

Slumber you honestly dont deserve to be hurting yourself

i get it though, i do self harms as punishment before anyone else punishes me

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The future will not remember, the past does not forget

SlumberKitty

On another topic, I live in Southern CA. It is hot here now. I am wearing long sleeves due to my kind of recent Self Harm episode. Prior to that I was wearing short sleeves sometimes even though I have really visible scars, I mean, anyone who looks at my arms should be able to figure it out. A coworker commented on my long sleeve wearing the other day and I kind of blew it off. But it bugged me a little. Not incredibly much though.

Then Sunday we are getting one of my nieces and one of my nephews and they will stay with us for two weeks. Normally I could wear short sleeves on the weekends at least but with them staying with us I will probably be wearing long sleeves the whole time because I never want to put it into their mind that this is a good option to deal with their problems. If it was just my niece, I might have worn short sleeves as she is a few weeks away from being 18 and I have opened up to her more as she has gotten older about my mental health disorders and stuff. But not with the nine year old there.

Wearing long sleeves isn't the end of the world, it's just sometimes uncomfortable, or inconvenient. I do wish people wouldn't comment on them though.

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SlumberKitty

willowtigger you are so sweet. I don't think you deserve punishment or to be hurting yourself either. But I think everyone in this forum has been there and gets it. Wishing you the best my friend.

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willowtigger

You deserve lots of loves and cares

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"True courage is about knowing not when to take a life but when to spare one" Gandalf - The Hobbit
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" for my angel girl flying high
The future will not remember, the past does not forget

willowtigger

For some reason i keep getting the "this is a duplicate of something you just posted" message ....... i'm not clicking twice

i think my computer is being funny

just saying

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"True courage is about knowing not when to take a life but when to spare one" Gandalf - The Hobbit
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" for my angel girl flying high
The future will not remember, the past does not forget

SlumberKitty

Thank you! So do you!

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SlumberKitty

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I get that message sometimes myself. Computers are just strange little devices with minds of their own! J/K

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SlumberKitty

Having some urges today to self harm.

Trying to analyze it a bit. I think a lot of it has to do with anxiety. I think a little bit of it has to do with wanting to get a need met. Not too sure what the need is. And partially, I am seeking comfort.

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willowtigger

Slumber i hope you can resist the urges to do self harms

__________________
"True courage is about knowing not when to take a life but when to spare one" Gandalf - The Hobbit
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" for my angel girl flying high
The future will not remember, the past does not forget

SlumberKitty

Thank you, willowtigger. I hope you are doing well today. hugs kit

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SlumberKitty

I texted a crisis line for about 30 minutes but it wasn't really helping and it wasn't really helpful. It's hit or miss with crisis lines. Sometimes I find them helpful, other times not. But at least I tried reaching out...something the person on the other end of the text commented on. She talked about my resilience and openness. I guess that was pretty cool to hear. Still, urges...y'know. They kind of suck. But I'll manage....somehow.

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SlumberKitty

Talking with a good friend helped a lot.

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SlumberKitty

Texted my T because I am having urges. I think I am just trying to cope with the symptoms of Psychosis right now, before I get my med at the new dose and it has time to kick in. Plus I am having company (my niece and nephew whom I love) but I am craving alone time/quiet time/myself time and I have a crazy volunteering schedule this week on top of my already busy work schedule. I think I want some escape right now.

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Bill3

I wonder if you could:

1. explicitly take some private/rest time away from niece and nephew, and/or

2. reduce volunteering commitments for this week?

SlumberKitty

Anyone ever wonder why one gets self destructive sometimes?

Ugh.

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