My self harm journey

SlumberKitty

Huh. Strange. I feel like not sure what it is that is causing it. I just feel unrest inside of me and needing something soothing. I'm also really tired from this pandemic and the havoc it has caused on my work. That's stressful. I don't think it is stressful enough to want to cut over it. So there has to be more about what I am feeling. I looked up hospital reviews for the mental hospital I was at in January. So many one stars with so many people saying they wished it could have had zero stars or negative stars. That really said a lot to me. Having lots of thoughts about the hospital again and my experiences there. If there are so many one star reviews no wonder I felt like the whole thing was traumatic.


My parents are going away on Labor Day weekend. I live with them but I can't go because I need to look after my diabetic cat. The last time they went away I ended up hospitalized and they had to come back home. I told them I would try to not let that happen this time. I'm not looking forward to them being away but they have business to attend to so I get it. It's a good chance for me to practice being alone but I already feel tense about it. That is probably not helping things, not helping how I am feeling. Probably them leaving is triggering thoughts of the hospital, as well as it just being a few days past the day of the month that I was admitted. This time seven months ago I was still at the hospital. Scary. I never want to go back there even though sometimes I think I need to.

I shouldn't hurt myself but I am wanting to. I have worked so hard to get to seven months without it. Tomorrow will be 31 weeks. I just need to get through this time and it will be okay. I guess it's just stressful.


HUGS All, Kit

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Bill3

SlumberKitty

Yesterday and today have been super duper hard. I'm definitely of a mind to self harm. I'm at 223 days without self harming and yet I'm willing to throw that all away. What is wrong with me? I reached out to my support people yesterday and most of them were helpful. I texted my T but she didn't text back. In desperation I emailed the Pastor T that I saw for about 9 months (he's still my Pastor just not my T) and he sent me back a nice email that was really sweet. He told me that runners hit a wall and they have to push through their pain to get to the other side and that is what is going on with me. That I have hit a wall and I have to push through. Plus he says he believes in me.

I'm irritated at my T for not texting me back or calling me. I reread the text I sent her and I guess I probably made it sound like I was more okay than I was but I told her that I wanted to mess up and just deal with the aftermath so that sounds like a cry for help to me.


I don't even know why I am not doing well. I guess there's some stuff that makes sense as to why now instead of why some other time. But you would think that it would be easier at this point.


I thought about giving my parents my tool that I use to SH so they could take it with them and thus get it out of the house while they are gone this weekend, but I didn't. I know that's a bad idea because it means I have access to it. But I wasn't sure if I gave it to them if they would give it back. I'm certainly not going to give it to my friend who held onto my extra meds for me because she dumped my meds after my sui attempt last Thanksgiving.


If I end up SH-ing I know I'll have to go to the hospital because what I want to do is going to cause way too much damage and that I could potentially end up hospitalized. I hope not. I hope I can keep strong and not act on these urges. Because I do not want to be hospitalized. At all. Plus I'd be letting down so many people, like my parents. My support team. My friends. Nope, I gotta stay strong and not give in. Not sure I can do that though.


Hard, hard, hard, hard day. HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

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Bill3

Hang in there Kit!

SlumberKitty

I have an emergency appointment with my T today after work because I've been having what I consider to be severe urges to harm myself for the past 8 or 9 days now. I talked to my T on the phone last weekend but I didn't really feel up to participating much in the therapy at that point in time. I was just tired and feeling unwell and just out of it. So today I contacted T to see if she had an appointment for tomorrow. She's going to be out of town but she said she could call me. I didn't really want to talk to her on the phone so I said never mind. I'll just see you next week. So she said, Nope. How about 4 PM? So I have an appointment with T!

I think I need to see her because I'm kind of in crisis and I think I am wearing out my friends. I want to so I know that is pretty serious and since I can't seem to self harm without getting stitches nowadays, I know I should not act on it.


So hopefully T can help me today. Maybe I am beyond help. I'm at 230 days without SH. It's like if I can go another month or so and then 100 days I'll be at a year. I don't really want to throw all that away, do I? But I want to be out of pain. And I know SH would do that for me. Sigh. So hard to keep it together. Hopefully T can help me.


HUGS to anyone who wants one. Kit

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SlumberKitty

Ugh, now I'm like worried that I'm wasting T's time. I feel better knowing that I have an appointment with her but that doesn't mean that I'm not struggling.

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Bill3

How did T go, Kit?

SlumberKitty

T appointment went well. T reminded me that I can do this. A lot. If she would have said it is okay to SH I would have SH-ed but she didn't. She texted me over the weekend and again today letting me know she is thinking of me and that she is having loving thoughts towards me. That was nice. We mostly talked about journaling which I am not very good at doing and "feeling your feelings" which I'm not really good at. Actually I'm not good at naming them. I know when I'm well or unwell but I can't necessarily differentiate between different kinds of pain.

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SlumberKitty

Hi everyone. Today is a big day for me because it is 8 months since I have SH-ed. That is two thirds of a year! I'm proud of me and I'm happy that I have friends that are willing to walk this journey with me. Usually when it's the 25th of the month I get a lot of bad memories of the psych hospital too. So far today I'm not having too many of those so I am counting my blessings.


Like 10 days ago, two weeks ago, somewhere in there, I was really wanting to give into the urges. My T helped me. Some other people helped me. And I was able to get through the urges. I'm so glad I did. Look at where I am now!! I wouldn't have been here if I couldn't have gotten through the urges. It's really hard sometimes. I would think after this long it would get easier, and I think it has overall. But there are still days, and moments, and weeks where it's stinking hard! Hopefully those days and moments and weeks become more and more infrequent.


It's a good journey. It's a good fight. I'm glad I'm having this battle now so the second half of my life can be better than the first half. Opening up to others and letting them help me was really the key for me. I can't take credit for the idea. It was Pastor T's idea and at the time I thought he was a bit of a fruitcake to suggest it but I was desperate so I did it. It's been the best thing for me, really it has.


Keep up the good fight, all you in this fight with me. Some times we will win, sometimes we might lose, but overall I think we can win the war. Just gotta stop warring with ourselves!


HUGS!!!! Kit

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Bill3

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SlumberKitty

I have been feeling like my self harm isn't finished even though I am making good strides and keeping up the days without it. It will be nine months on Sunday. But I feel like I need to self harm and go get stitches in my arm in order for it to be complete. Even though I know that is utter rubbish because I have self harmed before and gotten stitches before and it certainly didn't make my self harm complete. I just get these thoughts like "one more good cut and then I can be done with it" and stuff like that. I know it is all lies. But it is hard to not listen to them.

So T on Saturday asked me to come up with a ritual where I can feel like I am finished with self harm. Has anyone here ever done this?

I ordered some anointing oil off of Amazon. I'm going to get a white candle and I don't know I am thinking something red (maybe juice) and light the candle, say some scripture, maybe drink the juice and then use the anointing oil on my arms. My T said this may take more than once to "take hold" where I feel like it's complete. I have a Judeo-Christian background so my ritual probably sounds religious in tone but it's really the only thing I can think of right now. I'll get the oil on Thursday. So tomorrow I need to get the candle and maybe juice or something else red. And then try it out and see what happens.


HUGS to anyone who wants one,
Kit

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SlumberKitty

Also does anyone else here feel like self harming is comforting? I'm having trouble self comforting since I am not currently self harming.


So sometimes I wrap my arms in an ace bandage and it feels kind of like they are being wrapped in gauze (but cheaper than gauze). Or I'll heat up the heating pad and hold it on my arms.


HUGS Kit

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Fuzzybear

Hugs, SlumberKitty

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SlumberKitty

Thanks Fuzzybear.

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SlumberKitty

I am really wanting to self harm. It's been coming and going in waves. The past couple of days have been hard. It's more in my head and my emotions than a physical thing. Sometimes it is more of a physical thing. My pastor (Who is also a therapist) says I have an emotional and physiological addiction to self harm. Right now it feels like the battle is in my head. I'm not even sure what is triggering me.

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SlumberKitty

I got out a and looked at it trying to decide if I wanted to give in and SH. I thought about all the people who are counting on me to make this work...this being living without self harm. I thought about all the days I have lined up (284) without self harm. I read some scripture and prayed. It was kind of funny because I have the under a stack of prayer cards at work and the top one kept coming off and flipping upside down which has the scripture on it. So I finally was able to put the away.

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Fuzzybear

Hey Slumberkitty,
I guess this might have been suggested before (I don't know though) - do you ever find journaling your thoughts, without censoring them, to be helpful? Or maybe scribbling or writing in red ink, or coloured pencils? I wonder if journaling your thoughts might help you to uncover what is triggering you. (Personally, I haven't really got into journaling. Someone had said they would be happy to tell me more about different sorts of journaling. (This person is not around at the moment )

I think some professionals know about this, but not any I have consulted in this forest irl. Grrrr Maybe your pastor is right, it sounds as if its framed in a slightly (maybe) ''blaming'' way, I don't know. Or rather, it sounds rather impersonal. These are just my thoughts, I'm not censoring myself as much as I usually do. I hope some of it is helpful, or at least not unhelpful.

ETA I think you're doing a great job sharing in this thread (maybe its sort of like a journal )


Hugs and respect

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Fuzzybear

Thinking of you. Hugs and much respect

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SlumberKitty

Thank you Fuzzybear! I haven't been able to really journal, but this thread is kind of like a journal although I'm happy when others interact with me on it. My T always tells me to just write and write and write until I am done writing but it's hard to even get started....she says even just write one word. I don't know. I have a mental block or something. Sometimes I do get out some markers or colors and just scribble and that can be cathartic. Thanks for your hugs and your thoughts.

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SlumberKitty

I used to think that self harm helped with the suicidal thoughts because they would (temporarily) go away. But since I haven't been engaging in self harm as much (or at all for the last 286 days) I haven't been suicidal as much. So it's kind of opposite. But I'm suicidal right now and the intensity of wanting to self harm is high. I wonder if this is just an old pattern or if it is a way to make the suicidal feelings go away?

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