My self harm journey

The_little_didgee

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty I used to think that self harm helped with the suicidal thoughts because they would (temporarily) go away. But since I haven't been engaging in self harm as much (or at all for the last 286 days) I haven't been suicidal as much. So it's kind of opposite. But I'm suicidal right now and the intensity of wanting to self harm is high. I wonder if this is just an old pattern or if it is a way to make the suicidal feelings go away?

Could the suicidal feelings represent something deeper than the act of self-harm?

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SlumberKitty

Yes I think so. I think it's self harm at its extreme. It's like total annihilation of the self. Self harm at that stage is like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches. Still when nothing else seems to work it's like something is better than nothing.

Luckily I seem to be feeling better today. Just some hallucinations this morning but otherwise I'm good. Not feeling suicidal. Struggled with the self harm feelings all weekend but they are manageable now.

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Bill3

So happy to hear!

The_little_didgee

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty Yes I think so. I think it's self harm at its extreme. It's like total annihilation of the self. Self harm at that stage is like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches. Still when nothing else seems to work it's like something is better than nothing.

Could there be an element of distraction? Getting stitches could be a temporary escape from whatever is bothering you. My recent work accident has made me wonder about this.

A few weeks back I cut my middle finger on a piece of sheet metal that someone carelessly placed on a cart when I walked by it. It required 3 stitches on my middle finger. My boss sent me to Emergency. The physician's assistant who repaired my wound was entertaining. I really enjoyed my interaction with her. Plus I got paid while I was there and got the next day off. It was nice to have a brief paid break from work.

Could self-harm reflect a lack of coping options?

I'm glad you are feeling better.

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RavenGirl1990

I started self harming when I was around eight. And actually my sister found out but told no one. My brother caught me self-harming one time and looked mad obviously, I stood up and neither of us said anything. He didn’t even tell our parents about it. I wonder if my life would be different if he had?

SlumberKitty

Yeah, I think there could be an element of distraction. It's also self care in the extreme (or other care?) Like someone else taking care of me. When I SH, which I haven't done in a while, it's helpful to cover with gauze and so forth. It's soothing and comforting. So is getting stitches. And it requires someone giving me attention. Not that I SH for attention, but there is an element of saying...."Look, I am not okay right now!" And the medical professional has to see that, and then another medical professional has to see that when they take out the stitches. It's like a validation of the internal pain.

Luckily I have a lot more coping skills now than I did before. Hopefully I won't ever have to get stitches again.

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SlumberKitty

I imagine your life would have been quite different.


I started SH at 9. My parents found out when I was 18 or 19. Threatened hospitalization. Then ultimately did nothing. We didn't talk about it for years. Now we do. It's so much more healing.

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SlumberKitty

I ordered myself a ring (should get it in January 2021) from Jostens (that company where you order class rings from). I customized it. It has my initials, it has the word "faith" and the word "recovery" and 2020 because that is the year I got serious about recovering from SH. (300 days tomorrow). On the inside of the ring you could engrave it. So I put "Don't give up!" And "God's Got You!" I'm excited. It was kind of expensive $300 but if/when I make it to January 25, 2021 it will be a year. I figured that was worth it. Less than a dollar a day!

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SlumberKitty

I had to get lab work done on Saturday (blood work for my doctor). It always is triggering to have someone looking at my arm(s). I was triggered of course because I had to show my bare arm with all my scars to the lady taking my blood. She was really nice though. I was watching her draw the blood and she asked me if I was okay. That was nice. I was okay, just triggered. Luckily I had therapy a few hours later. We didn't really discuss it though, just brought it up. My T said in like 10 years I could have surgery to reduce the scarring. I told her some of them were pretty deep and I didn't think it would do much good. But who knows by then, maybe the surgery techniques will be better. If not, I'm stuck with these scars the rest of my life. I don't really regret them, just when someone sees my arm. Normally I wear long sleeves and cover them up. Or if I wear three quarter sleeves I wear makeup on my wrists so that it's not so noticeable. But normally I just wear long sleeves. It was triggering though.

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SlumberKitty

The last few days have been really hard for me. I've been having triggering images in my head and a lot of physiological symptoms from not self harming. Like my arms will hurt. It feels like I am fighting against it with every fiber in my being. Sad thing is I don't think that anything can help. I'm so scared I'm going to break down and Self harm when I'm so close to making a year without. I'm at 318 days. My friend who is a nurse is like you do not want to do that (because I will likely need stitches if I do) she's like the ER is packed right now. Please something make it stop.

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SlumberKitty

I broke down and texted my T who called me for a five minute check in. It helped a little.

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Bill3

SlumberKitty

Feeling a little better today. Not only did I talk to T but I had texted former T and former T texted me back. I knew she would understand and she did, totally! It was so good to hear from her.


I am glad I didn't give into the urges. I am glad I was able to stay strong, though it wasn't me that stayed strong but my support team who supported me through it. Without them I wouldn't have made it one more day and each day adds up. Slowly but surely.

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Bill3

Good job getting through that one more day!

SlumberKitty

Thanks Bill3

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SlumberKitty

45 more days until I reach a year free of Self Harm. Wow. It seems like it has been a really long year. (Of course it was a leap year so that's an extra day!) But in some ways, it feels like it has gone by faster than I thought. My parents uncharacteristically have been super supportive of my efforts to end self harm. Each month they buy me a cake (a small one) and sometimes flowers or balloons to celebrate each month that I go without self harming. I don't know if they will this month because the month anniversary lands on the 25th. But that's okay.


Tomorrow I see my T and she will be proud of me for how many days I have. I am proud of me too. It has taken me years to get this far. A year without will be such a good start to a life without. I still have 45 days to go so it's not over yet and I'm sure some of those days I will have many urges but I am hopeful.


Keep up the good fight everyone. Every day without it is worth it, in my opinion. It served a purpose (or multiple purposes) for me for so long and I will always be sort of thankful for it for that because it helped me survive but I do feel so much healthier not engaging in self harm.

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SlumberKitty

I remember I used to tell my former T that my eyes felt dark and my head felt heavy. I don't have these "symptoms" since I haven't been SH-ing. I wonder if there is a connection? I just feel lighter inside. Like not weighted down.

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SlumberKitty

I'm supposed to get my ring tomorrow that I ordered from Josten's as a way to celebrate my 1 year without self harm (still a month and a few days away). It wasn't supposed to come until next month but I got an email yesterday saying it was coming. I am excited to get it. I hope it looks as nice as I think it will. I wish today was tomorrow already!

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SlumberKitty

Dang, my ring is delayed according to UPS. Now it looks like I will get it on Monday.

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Bill3

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