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Bill3
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#141
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SlumberKitty
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#142
I tried to relapse but my blade that I had at work was too dull and didn't do anything. Hopefully I feel better by the time I get off of work and don't go through with relapsing then. It's only been 29 days. I gotta wait this out. I'm trying to urge surf. Ride the urge like a wave. Trying to get it to dissipate.
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SlumberKitty
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#143
I'm trying to see if this IOP will work for me. It's a place that does treat SH as well as depression, anxiety, etc. I emailed them with my symptoms and general bio and asked if they had a program that could help me. Their in person program is over two hours away but they have a virtual one. It starts at 3 and I don't get off work until 330 but I could talk to my boss, especially if it is for a finite amount of time she would probably let me leave early. I'm hourly anyway so they would be saving payroll. But now my case has been transferred to the virtual person and I am waiting to hear about my insurance and how many days a week it is and from 3 PM to what time and how many weeks it is. All good questions I think. I also want to know if the classes are just basic crap or if it is specific to my issues because I don't need basic crap. I got that IP. So I am waiting to hear back. I'm nervous and I'm hopeful, and I am dreadfully anxious.
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Bill3
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#144
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SlumberKitty
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#145
The IOP place is in the process of verifying my insurance. I don't know how long that will take. It's stressful but I am sure being in the program will be stressful too. I hope I am doing the right thing.
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Bill3
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#146
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SlumberKitty
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#147
The IOP called me. They said they want me to do an in person (not virtual) IOP because of the hallucinations. But theirs is too far away. So their referral team is going to reach out to me in 24 to 48 hours to see what they find. I doubt they find anything close to me that will work. I live in a remote area. We have one hospital that is leaving us within the next couple of years (It isn't earthquake safe). And everything else is like an hour and a half away one way. So it looks like an IOP won't work. I'm kind of disappointed. I was hoping to have more care.
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Bill3
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#148
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SlumberKitty
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#149
I got into an IOP that starts tonight. It is three nights a week from 5 PM to 730 PM. It is virtual. I'm not super good at Zoom but I expect I'll be an expert by the end of this. I'm nervous and excited and nervous and excited and nervous. I'll probably take some anti anxiety medication before hand because I will be pretty nervous. I'm at 45 days right now without self harm. I can't wait til I am back up to 18 months or 2 years or some good amount of time like that. But 45 days does feel pretty good. It's easier going this time around. Last time I was sweating out every day. This time there are days that go by and I don't even think of self harm. Then there are days when it is all I can think about.
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#150
I hope that the IOP goes well Kit!
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#151
I had my individual therapy session today with the IOP therapist. She made me do a self harm contract. No big deal. I've done them before. But then....here's the twist....if it gets to the point where I think I'm going to act on it, I have to turn over my blade to my parents. WTH!!! This is my security blanket. I don't want to get rid of it. I signed the stupid thing anyway but I'll have a hard time actually doing that one. She doesn't know what she is asking. Of course it will be impossible to harm myself if I don't have my blade. But then I'll just have to buy another one! ARGH. It was super intense session today. IDK why. I don't even remember what all we talked about. Just that it was a lot! How Self harm is a way of expressing distress. We talked about my hospitalization too. That sucked. I feel sort of disregulated at the moment.
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SlumberKitty
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#152
Now I'm not sure if the therapist meant to give up my blade anyway or give up my blade only if I am in imminent danger of harming myself. Not that it matters. I don't intend to actually do it. I just wonder if there is going to be a consequence come Friday if I haven't done it. Argh.
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#153
I texted my case manager who is going to ask my Therapist what she meant and then get back to me. I don't know if she will tell him due to confidentiality but hopefully. I hope she didn't mean to get rid of the blade regardless. I will have a really hard time doing that.
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SlumberKitty
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#154
Oh good. The case manager got back to me and said that the therapist said it was only if I thought I was going to self harm did I need to give up my blades. So I can keep it as long as I don't think I'm going to use it. I still don't want to give it to my parents but I can see throwing it in the trash or something. Not that I won't immediately go to Amazon and just buy another one. But it would buy me time.
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SlumberKitty
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#155
I hate, hate, hate relapsing. It's like dang, I'm back at square one again! Although I am back to counting the days at one, I'm not really back at square one. I've learned a few things since my last relapse. So I'm a few squares ahead of where I started last time on the board. (I tend to think of this as the old Chutes and Ladders game.) Where sometimes I have a good streak and I hit a ladder and I'm up 50 days, or 90 days, or that awesome time I went 18 months! Then sometimes I hit a chute and I'm sent back several squares. But I am not all the way back at the first square. I'm not at square one. I'm a few more squares ahead of where I started last time. And I'm not out of the game yet. I can keep playing. I can keep trying. I can make some gains. I can learn new stuff. I can put more tools in my tool kit. I'm going to hang onto hope and shoot for the stars.
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#156
Sounds good!
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SlumberKitty
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SlumberKitty
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#157
Why is it that therapists always want to see self harm wounds? I don't get it. They aren't medical doctors. I had an appointment with my individual therapist today from the IOP. Of course we talked about my relapse. A lot. And she wanted to see the wounds. I showed her because I am a people pleaser. It's bad for me though because no matter how much I do, I will think it is not good enough when I have to show someone. By good enough, I mean bad enough. I'm like I should have done more wounds, I should have gone deeper. I should have made more damage. She told me to put some neosporin on the wounds and to cover them with a gauze pad and tape because they look a little red. IDK. I may or may not do that. I sort of feel like I don't deserve to take care of them, plus I'm pretty sure that they will be fine. There's nothing seeping or anything. She of course said I could die from self harm. I'm like, well it hasn't happened yet. She was like, do you know why it's dangerous? I was like, of course, I could hit an artery or something. She's like that's right. But that doesn't scare me, if that is what she was trying to do it didn't work. I got a verbal consequence from the IOP for self harming. If I do it again, I'll get a written consequence. She asked me if the verbal one felt legalistic or empathetic. I said at first it felt legalistic. Then later it felt empathetic when R added some more to his text message chain. I don't want to have to sign the form so J the therapist said we will use that as positive reinforcement or something to not self harm. As if that would be the worst thing in the world. I don't know why she is so worried about the self harm and not worried about the hallucinations. Anyway showing her the wounds left me feeling vulnerable and unprotected which heightens the need to self harm. Unproductive!
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#158
Quote:
It seems like the therapist is trying to get you to confront and explore the uncomfortable feelings that the SI "protects" you from. Quote:
I suspect it has to do with getting the SI under control before the hallucinations can be dealt with. It's similar to a depressed alcoholic. The drinking must be addressed before the depression can be effectively treated. __________________ Dx: Didgee Disorder |
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SlumberKitty
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#159
IOP is like honestly the most difficult thing I've done for myself.
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#160
Here's a kind of mediocre poem I sent to my individual T--J. She is trying to get me to express my feelings in words not in Self harm. I sent her one about hallucinations the other day. This one is about trying not to self harm but being a nine on a scale of one to ten with ten being self harming. That's how I feel today.
At a 9 Holding the ice cube to my arm feeling the transfer of energy from warm to cold Nothing is hurt yet everything is hurting How can I bear this mismatch--how do I stop this yearning? When my heart has a chasm that's too wide to jump When my head is pounding like waves to the shore Everything is spinning, everything is reeling No backup for this pain, no plan B for feelings Keeping the blade in a drawer though my arms cry for more Feeling like a train rode its way through my insides Shiny smooth metal gotta get you out of my mind Gotta stay in IOP, leave bad addictions behind This pain's unrelenting, it's unleashed at full power Nothing to stop it, no brakes to apply What to do with this pain when mere words aren't enough Gotta stretch out these days increase tolerance and stuff. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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