My self harm journey

SlumberKitty · Jun 01, 2022, 05:12 PM

I'm having urges today. I want to isolate and not go do social things. I want to crawl under the covers and not come back up again until tomorrow morning. I need to do some self care stuff, like get a shower, and I am supposed to go to Church tonight but I don't feel up to it. I want to hurt myself. I just want to feel better.

SlumberKitty · Jun 01, 2022, 05:36 PM

I'm starting to feel suicidal too. Ugh. I suck.

Bill3 · Jun 01, 2022, 05:44 PM

No you don't.

Jun 01, 2022, 10:19 PM

Slumber kitty does not suck

SlumberKitty · Jun 13, 2022, 11:54 AM

Ugh. I am having urges to self harm. I think it is because two people that I go to for support every couple of days are leaving today for Israel. They will be gone for two weeks. I am not looking forward to this. They both have WhatsApp so we can stay in touch but I am worried about basically having to rely on myself right now instead of getting a lot of text support from them. I did text my therapist and let her know I feel sad, scared/nervous, and lonely. Work is not busy today, at least not at the moment, so lots of time to ruminate and worry.

SlumberKitty · Jun 13, 2022, 01:22 PM

My T responded to my Text and said that if I give into SH won't I still feel bad just in a different way? ARGH! Probably. But why does it seem like "the answer"!! Physical pain is always better than emotional pain. I'm in a ton of emotional pain right now.

Bill3 · Jun 13, 2022, 02:53 PM

((((((((SlumberKitty)))))))

Jun 13, 2022, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

My T responded to my Text and said that if I give into SH won't I still feel bad just in a different way? ARGH! Probably. But why does it seem like "the answer"!! Physical pain is always better than emotional pain. I'm in a ton of emotional pain right now.

Physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain, sadly

i hope you can be strong and resist

SlumberKitty · Jun 13, 2022, 04:07 PM

I'm messed over.

If I self harm before I have the chance to talk to my T (who said she could Zoom with me tonight) then she will accuse me of not giving her a chance to help me.

If I don't self harm, I am stuck with all these feelings and emotions.

Bleh. I can't win.

East17 · Jun 14, 2022, 12:49 AM

I get the wanting to reach 2 years without self harming, and that's a really worthwhile goal to have. But you are also putting a lot of pressure on yourself at a time when you are struggling with the issue of your two friends being away for 2 weeks.

Try a little self compassion SK. You can do this, but if you relapse, it isn't the end of the world. Please don't be so hard on yourself, try and think what you would say to a friend in this position, you would understand and cut them some slack I'm sure.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.
E x

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

SlumberKitty · Jun 14, 2022, 09:28 AM

Thank you East17, your words mean a lot to me. HUG Kit

SlumberKitty · Jun 14, 2022, 10:20 AM

Argh. I really don't feel like i can stay away from a relapse. I am having lots of thoughts of SH and a voice in my head is telling me to do it.

SlumberKitty · Jun 14, 2022, 10:21 AM

Also I have a mammogram appointment today and I am stressed out about the medical professionals seeing my scars. Most don't say anything but some do. I've had medical professionals ask me if they need to put me in the hospital, or if I am okay, stuff like that. I don't really mind if they ask if I am okay, that is kind of caring, if it comes across right, but I don't know. I mean, it's hard ignoring them because they are very noticable, but I don't want them to think I am crazy or something.

Bill3 · Jun 14, 2022, 11:07 AM

Hang in there SlumberKitty!

SlumberKitty · Jun 14, 2022, 01:33 PM

Crap. I relapsed. Ugh.

Bill3 · Jun 14, 2022, 02:15 PM

Jun 14, 2022, 02:19 PM

i'm so sorry, Kit

your amazing and deserve to not do self harms to yourself

SlumberKitty · Jun 14, 2022, 02:46 PM

I don't even feel better. This sucks. At least I talk to my T tonight. Hopefully she can help.

SlumberKitty · Jun 14, 2022, 03:05 PM

I feel kind of physically ill now. Sort of dissociated maybe. Kind of woozy and dizzy and out of it. Ugh. I gotta get it together.

SlumberKitty · Jun 14, 2022, 03:21 PM

I was supposed to Zoom my T tonight (and I already Zelled her the money). But she just cancelled on me. She fell last night and is bruised up and doesn't think she can do a session. Crap. This is like the worst possible time for this to happen. She said if I go to the hospital, she can't imagine that they wouldn't admit me to the psych ward. Well that seals it, not going to the hospital. Might make an appointment with my PCP in a few days so she can check on things. Crap. I can't believe this is happening.

Bill3 · Jun 14, 2022, 03:40 PM

ReptileInYourHead · Jun 16, 2022, 01:29 PM

I know the battle with relapse and trying to walk the straight line.
Now a days I know I will relapse, eventually, I don’t dread it so much because I know that it will again pass.
I’m familiar with the spectrum of feelings that go with it, yearning, stress, shame and guilt, but also the relief and the excitement, albeit short lived.
My relief doesn’t show itself physically on my body, not in a lasting way, and that makes your experience unique to mine.
If you cut or don’t cut, it doesn’t change a thing about you does it?
It’s that immovable part of myself that I’m after, I’ve been foolishly pushing against a mountain only to realize it’s not the mountain that needs to be moved.

SlumberKitty · Jun 16, 2022, 01:37 PM

Thanks ReptileInYourHead, this is deep.

ReptileInYourHead · Jun 20, 2022, 07:34 PM

I e been thinking too..maybe it’s a mountain of fears. I stand at the bottom of it often, and look up at its enormity, and i can see nothing past it, only the mountain.
I wish I had answers and not just metaphors..

SlumberKitty · Jun 21, 2022, 09:40 AM

Thanks @ReptileInYourHead what you said resonates. HUG

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