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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
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#121
I'm trying, it's just oh so hard. I haven't had urges like this in some time. I am out of practice!
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Bill3, jai-jai, mote.of.soul
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#122
You are hanging in!
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SlumberKitty
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mote.of.soul, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
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#123
I thought the urges might be because I was coming up on a big day, 500 days no self harm, but I am mistaken. I am still having urges even though I hit the 500 mark. I don't know. Maybe my depression is acting up. Maybe its something else. I can't tell. I usually never can. I'm just in a really hurting space and so I want to hurt myself to feel better. HUGS Kit
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Guiness187055, mote.of.soul
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#124
I'm trying to "ride the wave" of the urges. It's so hard. I keep visualizing what it would be like to self harm. I can feel the bite of the blade. I can see red. I know it would feel amazing to give into it. And then it would feel like crap. I don't want to start all the way over after making it to 500 days. I don't want to have to go to my family and friends and tell them I relapsed. I don't want to possibly end up back at the hospital. I have to get strong. I have to stay strong. I have to fight this!
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Bill3, Fuzzybear, Guiness187055, mote.of.soul
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Bill3
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Legendary
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#125
Hang in there Kit!!!!
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Fuzzybear, SlumberKitty
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mote.of.soul, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Location: CA
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#126
Kind of a rough day, emotionally. I just feel very vulnerable and fragile. Six more days until I see my T, Dr. K. I haven't really minded the break which makes me wonder if it is time to end therapy. But I think there are a few things I want to talk over with him. I feel very shattered inside and like my foundation has been rocked. I'm trying to reconcile what I believe with what I see and it's complicated.
I want to self harm even though I know ultimately, that wouldn't help. I just want that sweet bit of relief from all this stuff that is tormenting my brain. Trying to breathe and stay strong. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Bill3, Fuzzybear, VerMOZZica
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Bill3
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#127
Stay strong Slumber Kitty!
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Fuzzybear, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#128
It's hard because fragile and vulnerable are tough feelings to sit with.
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Bill3, Fuzzybear
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#129
. |
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Fuzzybear, SlumberKitty
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SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Location: CA
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#130
Want to make a long cut across my arm. I know if I do it will probably land me in the hospital. This is reason enough not to do it. But I still want to. I think it's too much stress. I'm really quite overwhelmed. I have a T appointment today. I hope I don't end up hospitalized.
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Bill3
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#131
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SlumberKitty
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SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#132
Possible trigger:
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Bill3
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#133
((((((((((Kit)))))))))))) |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#134
Well, I messed up. I relapsed. After 18 months of not self harming, I messed up. I'm feeling all sorts of feelings about it, anger towards myself, sadness, remorse, confusion, a bit of relief, worried about how my parents will react (I left them a note as I left for work this morning telling them that I relapsed). I know relapses are common and it's not something that I need to let spiral out of control. I'm trying to get myself into the one (incident) and done mentality. Now I gotta wear long sleeves for the rest of the summer while the wound heals. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm trying to dissect what happened so I know how to avoid it in the future.
Last week I was really suicidal and wanting to self harm but I didn't. I went to a thing at my Church that lasted four days instead. That helped distract me. Then Monday I needed support and I went to one of my support people and she was not supportive (in my opinion). I get what she was trying to do. She was trying to get me to not think about myself and my problems but think of someone else but she didn't explain it and I felt dismissed and unheard. And then I felt bad about it. Like I was being selfish to ask for help. Then that made me feel even worse about myself. That I wasn't worthy of help or that I've been too selfish all along asking for help. But I felt like I really needed it. And then I was dismissed and I just felt like crap and I went home from work and self harmed. Now I have a big pile of emotions that I am trying to wade through. I feel somewhat dissociated which is nice. I can be distanced from it, but I know the dissociation will wear off. I think sometimes people misjudge me because I look okay on the outside but I might be dying on the inside. Here's a win though: my self harm didn't need stitches. I'm proud of me for that. I showed some restraint. Actually it hurt more than I remember it hurting. And so I wasn't able to do so much. Plus I have a lot of scar tissue on my arm and it just wasn't working right. Thanks to anyone who read this far. I might have more to say later. Right now I'm trying to sort stuff out. And I'm dissociated as heck. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Bill3, MuddyBoots
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#135
Today I feel really fragile. I also feel right on the verge of having a panic attack. I don't know why. I did some deep breathing. That helped a little. I did some exercises that Pastor T suggested to me back when he was my T and I remembered those and did those. That kind of helped. I am waiting to get off of work when I can wrap myself in a blanket and turn on a mystery on the TV with a book and my kitty and feel held. I really want someone to hold me and comfort me. My wound hurts and I'm upset that I caused it to hurt and I'm upset that it hurts. And I feel pretty panicky.
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Bill3, MuddyBoots
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#136
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SlumberKitty
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SlumberKitty
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#137
Hi kitty. First off, congratulations on 18 months of no self harm, quite the feat and hopefully you are proud of yourself. You resisted many temptations!
I’m sorry that you have to deal with the emotional fall out of doing the thing you were trying not to do, the feelings that come with that are over-charged and so sharp but I have faith that you will find the strength again to fight. We are rooting for you Kitty!! ❤️ |
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Bill3, jai-jai, SlumberKitty
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Bill3, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
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5 117.7k hugs
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#138
Quote:
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Bill3, jai-jai
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#139
Im thinking of you dear friend, sending you love and care. I have faith in you.
You are strong You are loved You are cared for You are a beautiful person __________________ If life was just ... |
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Bill3, SlumberKitty
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Bill3, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
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5 117.7k hugs
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#140
I feel really messed up today. I feel like relapsing. Even though last time I relapsed (4 weeks ago) I felt really stupid afterward and like that was dumb. I don't know. It's just stuck in my brain today. I think I'm stressed about stuff that is coming up and I'm just not processing it well. I don't know. I started out the day feeling okay but the longer it goes the worse I feel. I tried making a donation which usually makes me feel better and I'm going shopping after work for groceries for the food distribution this weekend, so that should get my mind off stuff. I think sometimes I'm just a screw up and I'm never going to make it in this world. Sigh.
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Bill3, MuddyBoots
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