I just can't let it go

I had stopped for a little while-- about two and a half weeks or so, I'm not big on counting. My T had really gotten through to me. He is the first person to have gotten through to me. He is the first person to not be afraid. When I started again he asked me roll up my sleeve and leave it rolled up so that I would feel ashamed or disgusting in front of him. He wanted me to know that he accepts all parts of me, no matter what. However, I am disappointed in myself because in the back of my mind I know that he did get through to me-- I am just not strong enough to accept that I might be ready to stop. A tiny part of me feels like I disappointed him as well. I have eight on the inside of my arm right now.

Are you sure his intent was to make you feel ashamed or disgusting in front of him so he could get through to you that you're accepted by him? You're not disgusting, period, end of statement. There's nothing disgusting or shaming (who would deliberately shame themselves?) about cuts on your arm (or any other part of your body). They're just cuts. It's a bit like the nineteenth century dudes deciding women's legs were sexy and disgusting; everyone has legs, they're just legs, kind of like arms, noses or ears? You cut yourself, it's a symptom/way of coping. Why is that different from someone who talks too much when they're anxious or someone with DID who switches alters?

I think his intent was to make you acceptible to yourself! You are cutting you and that's okay if that's what you want to do. But, is it what you want to do? How do you feel about yourself and taking responsibility for you rather than how he feels about you; he doesn't have to live with you (unfortunately :-) you do.

OMG I obviously made a HUGE Freudian slip. I meant to write that his intent was to NOT make me feel ashamed and disgusting in front of him because I often tell him that's how the cutting makes me feel. Oh geez. I guess we all know I still feel about it, hmmm?

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