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Old 02-19-2021, 05:50 AM   #1
BlossomingLen
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Trig Return of Familiar Feelings

[ TW - Mentions of Self Harm, Weight, Repetition, and Isolation ]


Lately, something has been going on with me. I have no clue what it is.

My mental health has been on a slow, yet steady decline as of lately. I hardly ever speak to anyone anymore. Along with me hardly ever doing anything. I don't take care of myself at all. I haven't been eating well. In my eyes, it's either far too little or too much.

My days have been the same thing on repeat. Yet I can't seem to break out of the cycle. Listening to the same music, watching the same things, looking at the same four walls, talking to the same couple of people, everything is the same.

I'm comfortable with that, yet I feel shameful, at the same time.

Along with that, there's this strange, looming feeling of anxiety over me. Involving everyone and everything I've ever known, I'm beginning to doubt it. I'm doubting all of it. So much so that I've been struggling with contemplating self-harm.

I haven't hurt myself in a long time. Maybe in around two years or so? Yet now of all times, my head is spiraling and telling me to do it. I don't get what's going on. To be honest, it's driving me up the wall.

I've been trying to sleep it off tonight, yet I can't fall asleep. It's bugging me.

I realize it might have something to do with the repetition and isolation from others. Maybe my mind is wanting me to find stimulation in some form. So it's trying to resort to something harmful. Yet I know that I don't want to do that. I also don't know how to break out of this monotony. It's suffocating, yet comforting.

At the same time, I have no idea if it's that or not. Because I've been living this way my entire life. My whole life has been within these four walls, speaking to the same people, seeing the same things, nothing is different. I don't get why it would come crashing down now of all times.

I just know that I only started realizing how much I wanted to hurt myself recently. A familiar feeling that's returned to me. Even though I despise it so, so much. It's hard to cope.

Basically, long story short, I've realized that these feelings of self-harm and potentially worse have returned in my life. Pretty much out of nowhere. Yet nothing about my life has changed since I had left this behind. I don't know what to do.

This was a long vent, yet I do want some form of advice, if that's okay. How do I overcome these urges? I realize that's a pretty loaded question. If that's no good, then could I hear some of your experiences from these types of problems? Any bit of response would be appreciated.


Thank you so much for reading. Have a wonderful day.
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Old 02-19-2021, 10:44 AM   #2
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Default Re: Return of Familiar Feelings

Hello there. So sorry that self harm is rearing it's ugly head again. Great job on not self harming for a couple of years! That's awesome. You must have some coping skills tucked away to be able to do that. I'm still working on it but I have a year + free so something is working. Sometimes it's just white knuckling my way through though. You didn't mention, do you have a therapist? Someone that you can talk to about what is going on inside of your head? It might be that the COVID stuff is just getting to you. Too much isolation. Too much sameness. It's hard to not isolate right now with the state of the world. Can you help out at a charity? I help out once a month at a food distribution. It isn't much but it connects me with people that I like and I feel like I am doing something good. How do you overcome the urges? That's a great question. One I have to ask myself every day. Sometimes it is okay to just white knuckle it if you have to. Maybe just commit to a day at a time of not self harming. Like today, February 19, 2021 I will not self harm. Do others know you had this in your past? Would anyone be willing to be your accountability partner? Like someone you could go to when your struggling and they could give you a few positive words and in response you choose to not self harm? I don't know if any of this is helpful. It's just what I am thinking off the top of my head. Have a wonderful day too! HUGS Kit
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Old 02-19-2021, 10:16 PM   #3
BlossomingLen
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Default Re: Return of Familiar Feelings

Thank you for your reply. It means a lot! Since you asked a few clarifying questions, I figured I should probably answer these. Thanks, again☆

But no, I don't have a Therapist as of now. I've only actively seen one when I was younger, plenty of years ago. It's mainly because of the people that I live with. They don't support me going out and seeking help from Therapists, Psychiatrists, or anything else of the sort.

Along with that, they've never really liked me going outside much at all. So I've always been pretty stuck inside. It's a complicated situation for both them and myself. COVID, in truth, hasn't changed my routine or lifestyle much. Which is baffling to others, from what I've heard.

It's difficult to really get out of this bubble of being inside and sticking to the same things. Since that's sort of all I've ever known. I used to be able to volunteer at the local environmental center, though. Picking up trash from the beaches. That was always nice. I haven't done that in probably a couple years, though.

Along with this, I do have at least one or two people that I can speak to about things like this. But that's the thing, I always feel like I'm pushing so much onto them, since they are the only two people who actively know about these issues. It's pretty hard. I've been thinking about joining Mental Health servers on Discord so I could reach out to people who aren't related to the people in my immediate circle. I can tell it's been wearing on them a lot.

Still. Thank you again, really. It means a lot. You're very kind to have responded at all and it makes me happy.

I'll try to take things slow, one step at a time. We'll see how it goes☆
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