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Confused Mar 02, 2021 at 03:29 AM
  #1
Well its been approximately 10 or 12 years since I was here last. Lately, despite how lucky I am and how great life is, i have been feeling rumblings of old habits and past bumps have been raised.

I feel triggered more frequently, i have yet to actually SI, but i can feel the urges. It makes me work physically harder, which isn't healthy at all, I also find sometimes i take things too far on purpose. Just to see how my body reacts.

Im afraid, of what i am capable of, I find sleepless nights are filled with dread i will go down a dark rabbit hole.

I just felt i needed to share this with a community that understands.

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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 01:12 PM
  #2
Dear jai-jai,

I can definitely relate to what you wrote. Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful. Sorry you are in this unhappy situation!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 01:17 PM
  #3
Hi jai-jai. Nice to have you back. I love the pic you have of the kitty saying "is it safe?" yeah, that's the question right?

It sounds like you haven't SI-ed yet but maybe things are building to it? Yeah, I know the feeling of being afraid of what I am capable of. For me it is like this
Possible trigger:
yeah that last one ended me in the ER and then on a psych hold in a mental hospital. Sheesh.


Maybe go over what tools you have in your coping toolbox. Like what can you do besides work too hard and take things too far to help with the urges? Everyone's different. You know what works for you. Of course if you're like me, it works until it stops working.


Just commiserating with you. Don't have any big answers. But welcome back. Hope you'll stay around. HUGS Kit

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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 05:13 PM
  #4
Hi Slumber Kitty,

It has been a while, I remember the conversations we've had, its a tough one.
I feel like i shouldn't feel like this anymore. I have SO much to live for, and life really isn't that bad.

I'm in a rocky place inside, and i don't know how to deal with it. or discuss it with others. I feel like moving has lowered my support circle, i don't know who to share this with.

I've taken up strength training, but I have to be careful, otherwise i workout too hard, and SI in other forms. Im just aware of a pattern of behaviour, and feeling empty and cold about it. I know I need to look at other coping methods, I guess i just feel like I don't have an answer for this right now.

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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 05:16 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
Dear jai-jai,

I can definitely relate to what you wrote. Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful. Sorry you are in this unhappy situation!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
I want to thank you for the support, I appreciate it.

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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 05:46 PM
  #6
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Hi Slumber Kitty,

It has been a while, I remember the conversations we've had, its a tough one.
I feel like i shouldn't feel like this anymore. I have SO much to live for, and life really isn't that bad.

I'm in a rocky place inside, and i don't know how to deal with it. or discuss it with others. I feel like moving has lowered my support circle, i don't know who to share this with.

I've taken up strength training, but I have to be careful, otherwise i workout too hard, and SI in other forms. Im just aware of a pattern of behaviour, and feeling empty and cold about it. I know I need to look at other coping methods, I guess i just feel like I don't have an answer for this right now.
OOh, that's a hard one. The "life is pretty good so why do I feel this way" yeah, that's like a punch in the gut isn't it? There's no easy answers to that either. I think SH is just sneaky and likes to pop it's stupid little head up at every opportunity. I just passed 400 days no SH. I feel like I shouldn't want it like I do, but I still do. My T tried arguing with me saying that I didn't really want to do it. I was like, no really, you have no idea. The one thing that she and I can agree on is that I don't want to go back to the hospital so that has been keeping me on the straight and narrow for a bit now. But I had a really tough time first two weeks of last month. Didn't think I was going to make it through. I don't know how I made it through. Just white knuckled it. And texted some friends who helped me through it. But a lot of white knuckling.


Strength training sounds fun. Also sounds hard! Kudos to you my friend. Sounds like you are going to know how to kick some serious butt! Go you! But it's good that you have recognized that you might be hurting yourself in other perhaps more acceptable ways. This is an important realization, I think. I think maybe somewhere down deep inside you might feel like you don't deserve to be hurt and that realization is that protest of that little tiny part of you. (Just a guess, could be totally wrong!)


I'm sorry moving has left you with less support. You are totally welcome to PM me anytime. I'm not usually available on the weekends but I usually check in Monday through Fridays. I'll be happy to listen. Or keep posting here in Self Injury forum. It gets kind of slow in this forum but I check it pretty often.


Do you know why you are in a rocky place inside? Sometimes I think for me it's just the day of the week. There's no good reason. It just is. Does that feel true to you or are you able to pinpoint something that is making it harder right now?


I've recently taken up reading again. Enjoying some Ann Cleeves books. She writes British detective cop mystery books. Maybe some other stuff but those are the ones I'm reading of hers. And I've been painting a bit. I think it was last month--no, it was January--I had to take a few days off of work because I just felt so rubbish. My Dad got out my paints. And I just painted. Nothing brilliant. But still good to express stuff. These are two of my fairly recent coping mechanisms.


The other thing for me is just having a few people I can turn to when I'm having a crap day and want to SH. This wasn't my idea, it was my Pastor's when I was seeing him for therapy. He's also a licensed MFT. So the people on my go to call list, or text list rather, are from my Church. I've also been volunteering one day a month. I don't know. Makes me feel good to help out. Any of this stuff, reading, painting, reaching out, volunteering, sound like something you want to put in your toolbox? Or can you think of some other things? It's okay if you can't. I know sometimes I get to that place where my head is just overloaded and I can't think of things to keep myself safe.


You also mentioned feeling somewhat "empty and cold" about it. What's that like? Can you explain a bit more? If I had to guess I would think maybe it's just a form of not caring. Like not caring about yourself, or what happens to you. Maybe just not caring about the world around you right now. Let me know if that resonates or if I am off base. When I get this way I tend to write my little sponsored child in Ethiopia. I sponsor her through Compassion International. Just writing to her and knowing that I am making a difference in her life gives my life meaning. Make sense or is that dorky? Doesn't have to be a sponsored child. Could be anyone. Some homeless person you see on the street that you give a few bucks to. Little things that bring meaning into your life. Might help.


Hang in there my friend. Keep writing if you want. We are here and listening! HUGS Kit

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Default Mar 14, 2021 at 06:23 PM
  #7
I know that one did the same thing and the er dr over reacted and labeled it a suicide attempt which it wasnt. after the hospital was shipped off to a behavior clinic 110 miles from home. was sopossed to be for 3 days ended up 10. had a negative covid test when I went in caught covid there because they dont check unless you have symptoms . they check only if your going to a facility that day they ley 3 of us go until 1 was pos. they alreadt released 2 others because yhey where going home . if the 1 guy was going hoe they wouldnt have known
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Default Mar 15, 2021 at 05:14 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by mkb51 View Post
I know that one did the same thing and the er dr over reacted and labeled it a suicide attempt which it wasnt. after the hospital was shipped off to a behavior clinic 110 miles from home. was sopossed to be for 3 days ended up 10. had a negative covid test when I went in caught covid there because they dont check unless you have symptoms . they check only if your going to a facility that day they ley 3 of us go until 1 was pos. they alreadt released 2 others because yhey where going home . if the 1 guy was going hoe they wouldnt have known
That sucks, I'm sorry. 😔 I hope you are better now?!

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Default Mar 15, 2021 at 12:38 PM
  #9
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OOh, that's a hard one. The "life is pretty good so why do I feel this way" yeah, that's like a punch in the gut isn't it? There's no easy answers to that either. I think SH is just sneaky and likes to pop it's stupid little head up at every opportunity. I just passed 400 days no SH. I feel like I shouldn't want it like I do, but I still do. My T tried arguing with me saying that I didn't really want to do it. I was like, no really, you have no idea. The one thing that she and I can agree on is that I don't want to go back to the hospital so that has been keeping me on the straight and narrow for a bit now. But I had a really tough time first two weeks of last month. Didn't think I was going to make it through. I don't know how I made it through. Just white knuckled it. And texted some friends who helped me through it. But a lot of white knuckling.


Strength training sounds fun. Also sounds hard! Kudos to you my friend. Sounds like you are going to know how to kick some serious butt! Go you! But it's good that you have recognized that you might be hurting yourself in other perhaps more acceptable ways. This is an important realization, I think. I think maybe somewhere down deep inside you might feel like you don't deserve to be hurt and that realization is that protest of that little tiny part of you. (Just a guess, could be totally wrong!)


I'm sorry moving has left you with less support. You are totally welcome to PM me anytime. I'm not usually available on the weekends but I usually check in Monday through Fridays. I'll be happy to listen. Or keep posting here in Self Injury forum. It gets kind of slow in this forum but I check it pretty often.


Do you know why you are in a rocky place inside? Sometimes I think for me it's just the day of the week. There's no good reason. It just is. Does that feel true to you or are you able to pinpoint something that is making it harder right now?


I've recently taken up reading again. Enjoying some Ann Cleeves books. She writes British detective cop mystery books. Maybe some other stuff but those are the ones I'm reading of hers. And I've been painting a bit. I think it was last month--no, it was January--I had to take a few days off of work because I just felt so rubbish. My Dad got out my paints. And I just painted. Nothing brilliant. But still good to express stuff. These are two of my fairly recent coping mechanisms.


The other thing for me is just having a few people I can turn to when I'm having a crap day and want to SH. This wasn't my idea, it was my Pastor's when I was seeing him for therapy. He's also a licensed MFT. So the people on my go to call list, or text list rather, are from my Church. I've also been volunteering one day a month. I don't know. Makes me feel good to help out. Any of this stuff, reading, painting, reaching out, volunteering, sound like something you want to put in your toolbox? Or can you think of some other things? It's okay if you can't. I know sometimes I get to that place where my head is just overloaded and I can't think of things to keep myself safe.


You also mentioned feeling somewhat "empty and cold" about it. What's that like? Can you explain a bit more? If I had to guess I would think maybe it's just a form of not caring. Like not caring about yourself, or what happens to you. Maybe just not caring about the world around you right now. Let me know if that resonates or if I am off base. When I get this way I tend to write my little sponsored child in Ethiopia. I sponsor her through Compassion International. Just writing to her and knowing that I am making a difference in her life gives my life meaning. Make sense or is that dorky? Doesn't have to be a sponsored child. Could be anyone. Some homeless person you see on the street that you give a few bucks to. Little things that bring meaning into your life. Might help.


Hang in there my friend. Keep writing if you want. We are here and listening! HUGS Kit
I appreciate your support, I really do. I think I've realised, as of today, that I've had a past trauma reappear in my life, just through flashbacks and its been causing me to be unsettled, in ways I wasn't aware of until now. But I do think its just the day of the week sometimes.
My Dr. has put me on trazodone, to help with the sleeping, so we'll see how that goes. Last night wasn't great.

The coping mechanisms sounds good! It sounds like you're doing pretty well. I've recently picked back up my guitar, so hoping that helps, and I've reached out to a friend, but that was HARD, and I know i've got a way to go with them before I'm totally comfortable sharing.

I the emptiness and coldness comes from a space of just feeling undeserved of the feelings, like I 'should' be able to deal with this, i've done therapy before, I can use some of the tools that helped before, but I feel like i'm in a different space this time, and it feels harder, as a functioning adult, to admit I need help and support. I love that you write to a child in Ethiopia, I've gone back to journaling to get my thoughts out my head. This has been of use to me.

Thank you my friend! Take care

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Default Mar 15, 2021 at 07:02 PM
  #10
over covid had no effect on me wife lost taste and smell hust coming back. still cnay stop the eyelash pulling just a few stray lashs left no eyebrows. going to GP tomorrow cant wait ro see what questions I get. afraid of getting commited again for SI. in my state a second time in 3 years and a judge signs an involuntary for 30 days up to 6 months and can extend it another 6 months. I hope she doesnt report me. cause you need a judhe to release you unless you get 2 shrinks to say your not a danger anymore
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Default Mar 17, 2021 at 05:28 PM
  #11
Hi Jai-Jai! I saw your response today. I don't have time to respond in any length at this moment but I'll get back to you. I hope you're having a good day! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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Default Mar 17, 2021 at 05:29 PM
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over covid had no effect on me wife lost taste and smell hust coming back. still cnay stop the eyelash pulling just a few stray lashs left no eyebrows. going to GP tomorrow cant wait ro see what questions I get. afraid of getting commited again for SI. in my state a second time in 3 years and a judge signs an involuntary for 30 days up to 6 months and can extend it another 6 months. I hope she doesnt report me. cause you need a judhe to release you unless you get 2 shrinks to say your not a danger anymore
Wow, dude, that sucks! I hope you don't committed involuntary for 30 days. That's harsh! I'm glad CA doesn't have that rule. It sounds absolutely draconian! HUG! Kit

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Default Mar 18, 2021 at 02:10 PM
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I appreciate your support, I really do. I think I've realised, as of today, that I've had a past trauma reappear in my life, just through flashbacks and its been causing me to be unsettled, in ways I wasn't aware of until now. But I do think its just the day of the week sometimes.
My Dr. has put me on trazodone, to help with the sleeping, so we'll see how that goes. Last night wasn't great.

The coping mechanisms sounds good! It sounds like you're doing pretty well. I've recently picked back up my guitar, so hoping that helps, and I've reached out to a friend, but that was HARD, and I know i've got a way to go with them before I'm totally comfortable sharing.

I the emptiness and coldness comes from a space of just feeling undeserved of the feelings, like I 'should' be able to deal with this, i've done therapy before, I can use some of the tools that helped before, but I feel like i'm in a different space this time, and it feels harder, as a functioning adult, to admit I need help and support. I love that you write to a child in Ethiopia, I've gone back to journaling to get my thoughts out my head. This has been of use to me.

Thank you my friend! Take care
Hi jai-jai!

I haven't been on trazodone so I have no real experience with it. My pdoc gave me Lunesta to sleep and it's pretty good but sometimes I wake up at like 1 or 2 and can't get back to sleep so I guess it wears off. I usually take it with a couple of xanax so that doesn't happen. Even though taking xanax all the time is bad for you. But yeah, so is no sleep! So it's a matter of what's worse? My pdoc knows I take the xanax with it. He's the one who suggested it.


I'm sorry about the flashbacks. That sucks. I get flashbacks about the hospital. That was pretty traumatic for me. But I don't have abuse flashbacks. I can only fathom what that is like to endure. HUGS if okay. It's good you were able to pinpoint this. Maybe something in your day to day life is triggering your flashbacks? Even just like in your environment? I know. They seem to come out of nowhere. But if you were magically able to figure out the trigger that might be so helpful!


That definitely makes sense that you would feel unsettled. That's also a tough position to be in. Sort of the in-between! I find being unsettled uncomfortable and will try to do just about anything to feel settled again. Hence a lot of my SH. But since I'm not doing that anymore it seems, I've had to come up with other ways to deal with feeling unsettled. Sometimes I just have to accept that it is how I feel and that it will change and sit with the feelings. It sucks. It totally does. Because I want it to change and I want it to change NOW but I have found that if I sit with it long enough, it does change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

Good for you for reaching out to a friend, and picking up the guitar, and writing in your journal! These are great coping mechanisms. I know it is scary talking to a friend and that there definitely needs to be trust built up before you can lay bare your soul to another person. But even if you have a friend where you can be like, hey, having a hard time, do you want to do x, y, z (hang out, text, talk on the phone, whatever) it can help. I'm proud of you!


"Shoulds" are hard. Yeah, I know. I do that too. I should be able to cope. I should be able to do this. Still it's okay even as an adult to need help. Would you feel the same way you think if it were a physical need? Say diabetes? Would you feel bad for needing help? That always helps me put things into perspective. Just because it is mental or emotional or psychological or whatever, does not mean I am any less or that I am deserving of anything less. Maybe keep that in your back pocket and pull it out as needed.


Hope you are doing a bit better. HUGS Kit

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Heart Mar 18, 2021 at 07:35 PM
  #14
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Hi jai-jai!

I haven't been on trazodone so I have no real experience with it. My pdoc gave me Lunesta to sleep and it's pretty good but sometimes I wake up at like 1 or 2 and can't get back to sleep so I guess it wears off. I usually take it with a couple of xanax so that doesn't happen. Even though taking xanax all the time is bad for you. But yeah, so is no sleep! So it's a matter of what's worse? My pdoc knows I take the xanax with it. He's the one who suggested it.


I'm sorry about the flashbacks. That sucks. I get flashbacks about the hospital. That was pretty traumatic for me. But I don't have abuse flashbacks. I can only fathom what that is like to endure. HUGS if okay. It's good you were able to pinpoint this. Maybe something in your day to day life is triggering your flashbacks? Even just like in your environment? I know. They seem to come out of nowhere. But if you were magically able to figure out the trigger that might be so helpful!


That definitely makes sense that you would feel unsettled. That's also a tough position to be in. Sort of the in-between! I find being unsettled uncomfortable and will try to do just about anything to feel settled again. Hence a lot of my SH. But since I'm not doing that anymore it seems, I've had to come up with other ways to deal with feeling unsettled. Sometimes I just have to accept that it is how I feel and that it will change and sit with the feelings. It sucks. It totally does. Because I want it to change and I want it to change NOW but I have found that if I sit with it long enough, it does change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

Good for you for reaching out to a friend, and picking up the guitar, and writing in your journal! These are great coping mechanisms. I know it is scary talking to a friend and that there definitely needs to be trust built up before you can lay bare your soul to another person. But even if you have a friend where you can be like, hey, having a hard time, do you want to do x, y, z (hang out, text, talk on the phone, whatever) it can help. I'm proud of you!


"Shoulds" are hard. Yeah, I know. I do that too. I should be able to cope. I should be able to do this. Still it's okay even as an adult to need help. Would you feel the same way you think if it were a physical need? Say diabetes? Would you feel bad for needing help? That always helps me put things into perspective. Just because it is mental or emotional or psychological or whatever, does not mean I am any less or that I am deserving of anything less. Maybe keep that in your back pocket and pull it out as needed.


Hope you are doing a bit better. HUGS Kit
Hi Kit,

Thank you for responding <3. Curious about the Xanax. I will see how I go with what im currently on.
It would be amazing - I've heard that sometimes if they show up it could be my brains way of trying to process it, as an adult. Since i was a kid at the time. Thank you for HUGS. I'm trying to keep a record of them and notice whats going on before hand. I know the feelings of SI really rooted its beginning. Its a viscous cycle.

I really like the way you frame the point about needing help, its an important reminder. Here's hoping i can remind myself of it when I need it.

Thank you It was hard to do, but I have a friend I can trust. I felt this weird urge to just talk about it, which is a good sign. So hopefully that continues.

Thank you my friend.

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 11:43 AM
  #15
Good for you for having a friend you feel you can trust, and wanting to talk about it. I think these are positive steps forward. And if your friend isn't available, you can always talk here. It's a supportive place. Or PM me if you want. I'm not around much on weekends but usually during the week. HUGS Kit

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Default May 05, 2021 at 03:04 PM
  #16
Today the urges are strong - I tried the Ice technique to manage, but It just isn't the same. I'm really shaky today I had a really rough night and I feel down, beaten and defeated. I want the flashbacks to go, they have given me the worst feelings today - I'm trying to look for the good. Therapy wasn't too bad today, but I just felt on edge and like I had to keep rubbing my arms or hands to me a little more present. Sometimes I wish I could pretend, but I am so exhausted pretending, my mind keeps spiraling out of control and the fear is strong.

Having a sleep study consultation today, to see if that helps me out some... But I'm not too hopeful, as I'm sure its PTSD related.

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Default May 05, 2021 at 03:23 PM
  #17
HUGS @jai-jai

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Trig May 14, 2021 at 01:29 AM
  #18
When two worlds collide, with the stress of the PTSD, I want to end all the pain,

Trigger Warning: I took a blade to my arm today, to drain the pain away. I have no words for how I feel. I just feel so drained by it all. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. it feels intense and the memories are so haunting. I don't know how much more of this I can deal with.

Why does it hurt so much, why can't I end the pain, accept the pain and let go of it. Self-Harm is really an addiction that is hard to break, when the feelings so low, sometimes the symptoms of PTSD leave me feeling numb and empty, then the need to feel something, just anything appears. I also feel ashamed of my body, its experiences and everything it went through.

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Default May 14, 2021 at 11:55 AM
  #19
Hey Jai-Jai

I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. I don't have PTSD so I don't really understand flashbacks except for what I understand intellectually about them, but I don't really know how it feels to experience one. I am sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve it and it wasn't your fault.


I'm sorry it got to the point where you felt you needed to self harm. I know you are doing the absolute best that you can and self harm IS a coping mechanism. Maybe not the best or healthiest but it does work in the moment. In time I am sure you will find healthier ways to deal with the PTSD and all that it is bringing with it. In the meantime be gentle with yourself. You said you felt drained. Maybe take a nap today. Or do something that energizes you like go for a walk. Whatever you do, be gentle with yourself. You've been through enough and your body has been through enough and you need a way to settle in yourself so that it isn't so overwhelming. Do something soothing. Give yourself a hug. Place your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand under your right armpit and squeeze. Do some imaging. Imagine yourself in a field of flowers. Laying there in the sun, enjoying watching the clouds roll by. Without the bugs bothering you of course. Let your furry one come and snuggle with you and lick on you and comfort you.


Self harm is really hard to break. You did it before and I believe you will do it again once it stops serving it's purpose. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Soothing hugs, Kit

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Default May 14, 2021 at 11:25 PM
  #20
I feel like I pushed through the day, which was okay. But tonight it hit me. I decided to take myself out the house and sit outside so I can feel the air and hopefully breathe out the urges and just be.

I hope I have the strength to hold on.
Thank you 😊

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