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ReveuseTroublee
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Member Since: Jan 2021
Location: France
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Heart Mar 27, 2021 at 01:30 PM
  #1
Trigger Warning OD; suicide; self-harm; dissociation; emotions

Ever since my relapse I am frightened. It went fast. I could not prevent it. Since I dissociate so much and something or somebody inside me gets so excited about it again and the same fantasies have been growing. My brain is like I WANT ORGAN DAMAGE... It is literally screaming at me. Yes, my self-harm is severe. I took a controlled OD (I knew the drugs, I knew I would not die it would be nasty but no lasting damage - I did it to prevent worse stuff)- which I never do and did a few cold burns... I just did it like a task, like a robot only felt a little pain afterwards... I started crying uncontrollably the next day, cleaned up my vomit and everything. I was so happy... I was so weak I was just laying in bed all night. To weak to type properly and to correct all typos I usually make. My bp just crashed which I knew would happen. I was extremely euphoric - only realised that later - because of one of the meds I took. I don't care about anything when I self-harm usually. I am too out of it.

I mostly struggle with building up a connection to my emotions and thoughts.
It is like I have none than everything crashes, and becomes too much... No idea what it was about really... No feelings for time. Hours gone... I thought it was only minutes (???) Totally losing touch with myself and everything... These things are things I have noticed I only notice more now... Because I stopped self-harm.

The thing what worries me is that if I had not chosen carefully which and how many pills I had in my room I probably would have not gotten away like this and the fact that I did this to prevent worse things from happening and that I usually don't do things like that...

Also I watched a medical series with my dad and during this my brain was like please let me do (insert stupid self-harm idea)...
These ideas and thoughts come and go...
My fear is to dissociate and also to be manipulated by my brain and being too exhausted so that I get the tools I need... And do it at my worst.. It tells me if I do xy the thoughts of xy will go away and I get so desperate I stop caring.

I can't do this to my family... I can't and being hospitalised would lead to mental hospital... I just want to get better mentally and not destroy my physical health any further...

Memories from last year are haunting me. I am capable of doing so much damage...

I have to be honest sometimes I am like yeah then go and jump out the window and things like that.... Because I am tired. But I want to stay able-bodied.
I also told myself that I only agree to a well-planned suicide since I don't want more self-harm to occur or to make my family suffer more.
I am scared my siblings will grow up without me... But at the same time I sometimes wonder wether my death would be easier for all to handle...

I also think I really need therapy. I have no trauma memories. But everybody keeps telling me it is unlikely I have none...
Everything I remember is through emotions and negative thoughts usually rarely whole memories...
I feel like I completely split off my emotions and trauma and everything.
I age-regress...
I literally have to comfort the little hurt child who wants her mommy...
I never had the mother we all wish to have. A caring, loving mother we can come to. My mother scared me she never made me feel safe and when she did she destroyed it again.
I am the functioning adult typing this. I take care of everything and try to keep myself safe... I feel like I am fragmented somehow beyond BPD... I am always in the background usually... I feel like this is more than BPD. I have suppressed my emotions all my life I also have to say but now it seems to happen automatically. I feel fine. I feel totally normal right now...
Just to go back to feeling awful... And then later not being able to tell what was going on. Interpersonal things seem to trigger this. But I can't avoid listening to music or completely avoiding people I just don't want to. I want to live. Normally.
I have read multiple hospital reports where it mentions age-regression and dissociation...
I can't relate to anything that has taken place... I am shocked but I can't relate to the things I feel, state, the way I act when I apparently have these BPD episodes... Unless I am experiencing one...
And since I also have been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia it makes me wonder wether I could be right.
But again to find this out I have to talk about things and I am not sure I can do this.
I don't think I can handle therapy.
My father always tells me to just not talk about my self-harm and things like that so I don't get hospitalized once again.
I am just overwhelmed... I am also struggling with an ED and I am scared I will have to let go of it. I sometimes feel like it helps me stay safe... And at least keeps me alive for now.
Also exams are coming up and I hate myself because I get nothing done...
And I am also scared my self-harm could escalate because the one who self-harms... The younger version of me?? Feels the need to do this for proof...
Then there is also the issue that I keep cycling between I am fine and I am struggling, considering therapy and thinking it is unnecessary and wanting to deal with this on my own.
Basically having a clear mind right now. And not vulnerable at all right now which I realised is important even when posting here.
I really want to continue life I just need these periods to shorten and to be less intense so I can live. I have dreams and plans for the future and lots of interests and hobbies...

I hope you are all okay. <3
Life is worth fighting for, I believe...
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ReveuseTroublee
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Member Since: Jan 2021
Location: France
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Default Mar 27, 2021 at 02:53 PM
  #2
I am panicking right now. Maybe I should delete this before I get hated on... Why can't I just shut up?
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ReveuseTroublee
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Member Since: Jan 2021
Location: France
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Default Mar 27, 2021 at 11:20 PM
  #3
I don't want believe I wrote this. And I can't believe I can't delete this.
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Default Mar 29, 2021 at 09:28 AM
  #4
Dear Reveuse Troublee,

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I do think that therapy might be helpful to you. It sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on and having someone in your corner can be really helpful. I do hope you feel better soon. HUGS Kit

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