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Biba_yu
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Default Mar 30, 2021 at 12:44 PM
  #1
I have female close family member, to who I was very close at childhood but for long time, years, we almost lost contact, not because I wanted to. She just always had excuse not to meet me, and I tried, believe me. She never wanted to work, as she said she is insecure in herself and can't find a job, but I never saw her even try, and I think she never did. She mostly just sits at home, sleeps and is sad whole day, every day. I tried to help but she is extremely attached to her husband, who she believes she depends on so there was never ever time for me. So, I just let it go. Apparently, she thinks (as she said few times) she is "too stupid" and he has to earn money for both, and she fears greatly she will lose him, so she constantly controls him and watches over him. I always found that extremely bad, and I told her she is quite intelligent person (and I mean it), she can do so many things, she is talented for so many things (all meant sincerely), and that she really just needs to try. You can always leave the job if you don't like it. But no, she wouldn't accept any advice, she insisted she is incapable to work except "low paid jobs" which she doesn't want (well, I don't find that bad either, we all start somewhere and having job is good for confidence), that she is "stupid" (no one else thinks so), and she has so many health issues (don't we all), and so so many excuses never to even try to work. Now her husband has rough time and they are taking money from our family member who had savings but not much left. I feel like they are taking money without intention to return it, and it lasts for months now. I am afraid when he is out of money they will ask me, and I just can't and won't give them. I am not rich, I earn barely to survive, I have some savings but I want to keep them and not to give away because someone expects me to be "family" and I am "all they have now".
She has extremely low self esteem which bursts from time to time, she is always deeply depressed and she injures herself with knife! Also, she threatened suicide multiple times. I talked and talked to her, but nothing I said made things better. I begged her to find some work, any work, even part time, small, I begged her to at least make some art (as she is talented too), or do sports, for example yoga... I said every single advice I had, every positive thing I had, but nothing worked. I am also very depressed but tbh sport, art and work usually help me a lot. So I was advising the same, maybe I was wrong. But you just can't live taking money from family forever. It's not ok. If I don't agree with her on anything, if I don't want to do something she wants, she screams and threatens suicide. I can't, I don't know what to do anymore. Doctors are mostly unavailable in country because of this epidemics, and her husband doesn't seem to be of much use.
Question is, how to react when someone asks you something you can not or won't do, and threatens suicide if you don't agree and doesn't want any compromises? I feel like there is no way out of that. Whatever I do, it will end badly. If I just give them money, them will spend it in few months and I will be left without savings. If I don't she may harm herself and lots of bad things can happen and I really don't know how to tell someone "just get any job, please!". We don't have money and you need it to live. I am out of options.
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Default Mar 30, 2021 at 12:57 PM
  #2
Hi Biba_yu it sounds like you are in a very difficult position. It is good that you care very much for this female close family member but it is also good that you have a boundary that you are not going to give up your savings just because they ask you to. You should not have to do that. If she harms herself or threatens suicide, that is up to her. That is not your responsibility. It sounds like she does not want to take responsibility for herself and just wants to be taken care of but if she is old enough to be married, I assume she is an adult and old enough to take care of herself, unless she has physical or mental disabilities that preclude her from being able to take full care of herself.


My advice is to not give her the money. You need to have some savings and that is your right. If she threatens suicide or hurts herself that is her responsibility and her response. Of course it is sad and I hope she will get some help via some things you mentioned. I am sorry that there is not very many doctors available because it sounds like she could use a psychologist or a psychiatrist.


Stay strong my friend. HUGS Kit

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Default Mar 30, 2021 at 01:12 PM
  #3
Next time she threatens suicidal behavior call the police. Do it every time because you can never know when a borderline will go though with it.

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Default Mar 30, 2021 at 01:35 PM
  #4
Thank you, Slumber Kitty, for advice. Yes, she is full grown adult, but always has been highly insecure. I feel like, in contrast to that, she somehow feels entitled to everything because she thinks she has "disadvantages" (which are not real!), and she demands what she feels she is entitled. But as most insecure persons, when you say "no" she can't handle it, she receives it as rejection, and she feels somehow deceived. Like you owe her something and you need to give it to her or else... I have a feeling she could harm herself more seriously than so far, maybe even the worst. But she has a child, and I fear for him. I told her not just once, when she considered suicide because she is "bad parent", how would her child feel if he knows she harmed herself because of him. Children want their mom, however imperfect she is, suicide solves nothing. If that is "just a threat" then it's extremely cruel. I can't tell the difference! I tried to talk to my therapist about it but he gave no advice. It seems he doesn't have a clue what to do. But giving all my money or donating it is not an option, because this is not just an temporary situation, an obstacle, some period until they stand on their feet... If they were trying hard to get by and had temporary dry period, I would help. But this lasts for months maybe even years, and neither he or she is trying to do anything to make things any better. I believe she is really extremely depressed but I don't think giving money will help in any way, it will just leave me dry and resentful. I have a child too, and I don't have a husband. And I worked for 25 years, I bloody earned it!
Problem is how to prevent someone from doing harm to themselves. I don't know if calling police will help, and I am not sure if I will be aware if she decides that as they don't want me around that much. I barely see them ever. So I might not even know. As deeply depressed and insecure person as I am, I know, I really know, there is no use of crying and threatening with self harm so the others help you. You have to do it yourself. If you do something to yourself, you will harm everyone who cares about you, and that is all you will do. You will hurt every single person who cares, and you will solve NOTHING. I said that so many times, but to no avail. I am so tired. People, please, whatever you feel, tell yourself you are GREAT, you are smart, and you can do anything. Don't expect others to help you all the time, because you will become a burden and you will NOT feel any better. In this case, I just fear it's too late.
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Default May 31, 2021 at 06:50 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biba_yu View Post
I have female close family member, to who I was very close at childhood but for long time, years, we almost lost contact, not because I wanted to. She just always had excuse not to meet me, and I tried, believe me. She never wanted to work, as she said she is insecure in herself and can't find a job, but I never saw her even try, and I think she never did. She mostly just sits at home, sleeps and is sad whole day, every day. I tried to help but she is extremely attached to her husband, who she believes she depends on so there was never ever time for me. So, I just let it go. Apparently, she thinks (as she said few times) she is "too stupid" and he has to earn money for both, and she fears greatly she will lose him, so she constantly controls him and watches over him. I always found that extremely bad, and I told her she is quite intelligent person (and I mean it), she can do so many things, she is talented for so many things (all meant sincerely), and that she really just needs to try. You can always leave the job if you don't like it. But no, she wouldn't accept any advice, she insisted she is incapable to work except "low paid jobs" which she doesn't want (well, I don't find that bad either, we all start somewhere and having job is good for confidence), that she is "stupid" (no one else thinks so), and she has so many health issues (don't we all), and so so many excuses never to even try to work. Now her husband has rough time and they are taking money from our family member who had savings but not much left. I feel like they are taking money without intention to return it, and it lasts for months now. I am afraid when he is out of money they will ask me, and I just can't and won't give them. I am not rich, I earn barely to survive, I have some savings but I want to keep them and not to give away because someone expects me to be "family" and I am "all they have now".
She has extremely low self esteem which bursts from time to time, she is always deeply depressed and she injures herself with knife! Also, she threatened suicide multiple times. I talked and talked to her, but nothing I said made things better. I begged her to find some work, any work, even part time, small, I begged her to at least make some art (as she is talented too), or do sports, for example yoga... I said every single advice I had, every positive thing I had, but nothing worked. I am also very depressed but tbh sport, art and work usually help me a lot. So I was advising the same, maybe I was wrong. But you just can't live taking money from family forever. It's not ok. If I don't agree with her on anything, if I don't want to do something she wants, she screams and threatens suicide. I can't, I don't know what to do anymore. Doctors are mostly unavailable in country because of this epidemics, and her husband doesn't seem to be of much use.
Question is, how to react when someone asks you something you can not or won't do, and threatens suicide if you don't agree and doesn't want any compromises? I feel like there is no way out of that. Whatever I do, it will end badly. If I just give them money, them will spend it in few months and I will be left without savings. If I don't she may harm herself and lots of bad things can happen and I really don't know how to tell someone "just get any job, please!". We don't have money and you need it to live. I am out of options.
Have you thought about calling the police and telling them she is threatening to commit suicide? Or called adult social service?
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Default Jun 01, 2021 at 12:38 AM
  #6
Every time she threatens to harm her self, or does harm her self, or threatens suicide you need to call the police. It is emotional hijacking to use suicide ideation to manipulate family members or other people. You have to take them seriously. If she feels that way she needs help. The police are the ones who intervene to get her where she needs to be. Take her seriously every time or she will know this is your Achilles’ heel.

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