It is getting worse

I am kinda planning on moving out and self-harming the way I have had urges for for years.
I am tired at this point.
All the methods I can get, all the medical knowledge will work against me.
I am exhausted all the time, triggers are everywhere, my sleep is bad but it is just how things are right now.
I have had too much bad medical stuff happen to me at this point, seeking help seems impossible and internally I am not allowed to.
I wish I could be grateful but I just breakdown crying thinking about these people. I feel so far away from the world. I feel hate and fear. And the hate I feel, the anger I have to punish myself for. Everybody around me is a God, they are white Gods and I will never be good enough. I will never succeed and I am scared I really won't make it. I don't belong and I am not supposed to be. My body has been so strong and I am so thankful for what he did endure all the time and still made it out.
I struggle with eating because the self-harm and suicidal urges make me so nauseous. And these urges combined with becoming detached and being outside and there being streets. It is hard to keep myself safe. I move without wanting to.
The only reason I have not done it is that I don't want to hurt others, or drag people into my mess and not be locked away.
I am so frightened. I can't stop self-harm so I have to continue in silence. I made the mistake to talk about these methods, I am so scared to be found out.
I faked being cured to myself and the people around me, even the psychiatrist. I have been fooling people for years and it only brought me to bad places. I tried being honest but I made it look good.
Right now I am hoping the urges will go away with time. I am more functional. Being outside and around others is hard. Studying is hard but I am doing it. I had a breakdown crying and was getting urges from hearing my professor talking... Everything evoking emotions is dangerous. Music, people, living. And I can not stop triggering myself. It is an addiction but also because that means not living. Even locked in a room, I still have urges. It gets dangerous at times and my fears are debilitating but I still do everything because I don't want to let it stop me. I am scared that I will get long panic attacks again where I end up screaming in rest rooms, I hope it does not happen. Because then I won't be able to train I am now part of a youth sports group. I am happy... I am just really worried about not being able to hide things...
I am worried about not surviving things. I know without treatment I likely won't. The self-harm ideas are more and more severe. I am scared of losing my health, my independence, my life. But I don't want 'help' ever again. I want to be able to disagree with treatment. I want to survive just no help.
The things I have been through there. I don't know I can't get over it.
But it won't let me speak.
I am glad if I suffer, because that means I don't have to punish or self-injure.
But it is not enough. Nothing is enough anymore.
I feel like I aged so quickly. Like physically I am really fit but if you look me into the face you can see the exhaustion for fighting for years to stay alive. I am now past the 3-year-mark almost. I was not supposed to live past my 17th birthday - because of me.
I don't know why I am making this post. Not really to earn pity but to have a space to disclose what I can not say in real life.
I wish I could say I am overreacting but I know I am capable of doing severe stuff to my body I hope so much it does not come true. I really hope I can avoid this.
My memory is getting worse again too, it feels like. Even though I am not sure I mostly notice it when I am in contact with others. It is just very bad at this point.
I hope it is just a bad 'phase'... But I know I am not out of this...
I hope you are okay.