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Member Since Jan 2021
Location: France
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#1
I am kinda planning on moving out and self-harming the way I have had urges for for years.
I am tired at this point. All the methods I can get, all the medical knowledge will work against me. I am exhausted all the time, triggers are everywhere, my sleep is bad but it is just how things are right now. I have had too much bad medical stuff happen to me at this point, seeking help seems impossible and internally I am not allowed to. I wish I could be grateful but I just breakdown crying thinking about these people. I feel so far away from the world. I feel hate and fear. And the hate I feel, the anger I have to punish myself for. Everybody around me is a God, they are white Gods and I will never be good enough. I will never succeed and I am scared I really won't make it. I don't belong and I am not supposed to be. My body has been so strong and I am so thankful for what he did endure all the time and still made it out. I struggle with eating because the self-harm and suicidal urges make me so nauseous. And these urges combined with becoming detached and being outside and there being streets. It is hard to keep myself safe. I move without wanting to. The only reason I have not done it is that I don't want to hurt others, or drag people into my mess and not be locked away. I am so frightened. I can't stop self-harm so I have to continue in silence. I made the mistake to talk about these methods, I am so scared to be found out. I faked being cured to myself and the people around me, even the psychiatrist. I have been fooling people for years and it only brought me to bad places. I tried being honest but I made it look good. Right now I am hoping the urges will go away with time. I am more functional. Being outside and around others is hard. Studying is hard but I am doing it. I had a breakdown crying and was getting urges from hearing my professor talking... Everything evoking emotions is dangerous. Music, people, living. And I can not stop triggering myself. It is an addiction but also because that means not living. Even locked in a room, I still have urges. It gets dangerous at times and my fears are debilitating but I still do everything because I don't want to let it stop me. I am scared that I will get long panic attacks again where I end up screaming in rest rooms, I hope it does not happen. Because then I won't be able to train I am now part of a youth sports group. I am happy... I am just really worried about not being able to hide things... I am worried about not surviving things. I know without treatment I likely won't. The self-harm ideas are more and more severe. I am scared of losing my health, my independence, my life. But I don't want 'help' ever again. I want to be able to disagree with treatment. I want to survive just no help. The things I have been through there. I don't know I can't get over it. But it won't let me speak. I am glad if I suffer, because that means I don't have to punish or self-injure. But it is not enough. Nothing is enough anymore. I feel like I aged so quickly. Like physically I am really fit but if you look me into the face you can see the exhaustion for fighting for years to stay alive. I am now past the 3-year-mark almost. I was not supposed to live past my 17th birthday - because of me. I don't know why I am making this post. Not really to earn pity but to have a space to disclose what I can not say in real life. I wish I could say I am overreacting but I know I am capable of doing severe stuff to my body I hope so much it does not come true. I really hope I can avoid this. My memory is getting worse again too, it feels like. Even though I am not sure I mostly notice it when I am in contact with others. It is just very bad at this point. I hope it is just a bad 'phase'... But I know I am not out of this... I hope you are okay. Last edited by ReveuseTroublee; May 01, 2021 at 11:16 AM.. |
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#2
Dear ReveuseTroublee,
My English is not very good but I want to tell you that I think you are a very heroic person. Life has been so brutally hard on you. It is just heartbreaking. Wish I knew what to say to be helpful to you. I was in a really awful and dark place once with no escape and no hope and then one day things just turned around for me. I hope that things will get better for you. You deserve so much better than life has given you! Sincerely yours, Yao Wen |
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#3
Quote:
I am so glad to hear things turned around for you... <3 I sometimes care too little about myself to keep myself safe. It feels good to have a life again and I hope it will be enough. But any failure or everything that could be interpreted as such also failing others is risky. But maybe it is my fault, that I can't let go of self-harm. I am trying my best but it does not seem enough and my self-worth is so low. |
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#4
Dear @ReveuseTroublee, I feel like Yaowen does. And good for you in being brave enough to open up & express yourself here with us. Frankly, I have a hard time doing that. But that's what this place is for, to feel safe & help each other. All of us here have mental problems. And many of us feel like we don't fit in anywhere. I am so sorry you are going through such a painful time. Please hang in there & stay with us, ok??
__________________ "Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * |
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ReveuseTroublee
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#5
Quote:
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#6
Thank you, @ReveuseTroublee. That is so sweet. I didn't expect that.
__________________ "Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * |
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ReveuseTroublee
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ReveuseTroublee
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#7
I kinda hoped this was a joke or a shallow threat but I had an awful relapse today... Compared to the past and that method not the worst but in the top 5. This is so risky. Still trying though to get clean again... I am really playing with fire.
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#8
I'm so sorry you had an awful relapse @ReveuseTroublee please be extra gentle with yourself. HUGS Kit
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ReveuseTroublee
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#9
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Thank you for being there... I am scared I know now that this was not just a joke. It is a real threat.. I am scared to be called attention-seeking or a drama queen, or the worst upsetting everybody. Maybe I should just keep everything (bad) to myself to protect everyone else. It won't change the outcome for me. You all matter so much to me. Thank you for everything! <3 |
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#10
If people call you attention seeking or a drama queen that's on them. I've had people overreact before which led to me being hospitalized......yah not fun, but it was exactly where i needed to be really because I've gotten so much better since then. I'm not saying the same is true of you. Just saying that there is help out there sometimes in mysterious ways. HUGS Be gentle and kind to yourself. You can always share here.
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#11
Quote:
I want to believe everybody overreacted but deep down I know why all the (medical) intervention was there which I tried to reject at any given opportunity. I kinda try to downplay everything and even know I reject it but it won't get me anywhere. After all, I just don't want to affect people negatively... Which I am scared I might. This is unfortunately my reality right now but it is something that is not new to me. But still I don't want to drag people into my mess. We all have issues here and I don't want to heighten someone's struggles even though most might not tell, I kinda want to keep everybody safe from me being an awful human. |
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#12
HUGS @ReveuseTroublee
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#13
I am shocked and frightened and angry at myself, trying to process everything and sure what to do, how to act, how to feel.
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#14
__________________ "Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * |
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#15
I don't feel that well...
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#16
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#17
I'm sorry you aren't feeling very well @ReveuseTroublee HUGS Kit
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#18
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#19
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