Persistent urges

(Sorry this is so long, first two paragraphs are just disclaimers)
First off I should mention it’s been over three months since I last truly self harmed. And second I want to say upfront to anyone still struggling to quit, because believe me I get how hard it can be, that I don’t want what this post is about to dissuade you from trying to stop.
Don’t let the little malicious voice in your head say “this guy is still struggling after months sober, you’ll never be free.” Because that’s not true, I am better off and everyone’s recovery is different.

With that out of the way, I suppose I just wanted to rant/ ask for advice. I won’t go into the whole story, but the reasons I SHed were hatred I felt for my body, not due to dysmorphia or anything, but for a chronic pain disorder I suffer from that I at the time didn’t under stand.
On that note, I wanted a pain I could control. I was able to choose when and where I SHed, unlike the sore inflammation that came in fiery waves.
Once I started seeing my therapist, having to check in with her weekly really helped me get into the right mindset for stopping for good.
The only issue is, the urges still persist. The good news is they’ve weakened, and like I said I’ve been able to resist them. Bur it’s really hard having my mind try and rush me to hurting myself when we I perceive that I failed. I’ve conditioned myself to want pain whenever I feel I’m too unintelligent, lazy, or weak, to get past some obstacle I face.
I know I can’t just wish maladaptive mindsets away, but hell man, really wish this wasn’t an entity I let grow in my head. my therapist talks a lot about cognitive reframing, I think that may be important

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Your amazing and brave, Suntheif

Thanks for sharing your story, @SunThief and a warm welcome to the forums! I'm not totally out of the woods (I don't remember the last time I SHed but it's been a while) either, still get urges, but I know now I don't have to act on every urge I get which has helped not just with self harming but also with sticking with my schizoaffective meds, staying clean and sober, and even keeping relationships a bit steadier.

A breakthrough I made in therapy which has been helping me was discovering why I relapsed on harmful behaviors such as SH. I always told myself no, but the other me never listened. Because for awhile now, I haven’t viewed myself as someone worth listening to so it let my urges take advantage of me.
I’m still struggling even with this realization, but self esteem issues don’t go away at a whim’s notice unfortunately. Thank you for your response, because it is nice to know I’m not the only one whose finished with the haunting but still hearing the ghost whisper, to use a spooky metaphor.

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Welcome @SunThief


I too still struggle with urges. Sometimes I give in. Like 2 weeks ago. But sometimes I can say no. I did have 18 months clean at one point and my goal is to make it two years (716 days to go!). I know how hard it can be but also how rewarding sobriety from Self Harm can be. Wishing you all the best! HUGS Kit

Welcome to the forums SunThief