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Trig Apr 07, 2022 at 08:00 AM
  #1
Hi all,

its been a while since i have SH'd the last time but today i got triggered and i've been overwhelmed with SH thoughts and visions.

i dont want to just cut but make a real mess throughout my body and end up in hospital.

i can clearly see myself doing it and feeling it.

im resisting the urges so far but please, tell me its not a good idea.

i need someone to keep me grounded. please help before i give in...

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Default Apr 07, 2022 at 09:33 AM
  #2
I'm so very, very sorry you are struggling! Please do not SH. My heart really goes out to you!
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Default Apr 08, 2022 at 02:51 AM
  #3
Hi there @sinking👋👋

Please, it's such a difficult life these lives we've been given, and you're absolutely right: cutting yourself is not the answer, is NOT a good idea at all. Yes, you get thoughts and urges, I understand, but you have to distract yourself, change your focus, and just endure the feelings you're having. As a recovering alcoholic, I have cravings and urges to send myself into oblivion for a couple of days on a fairly regular basis, but I know from my long experience that drinking, just like cutting, is not at all a good idea. And why punish yourself further still, for a short term relief that will be over before you know it? I tell myself I need to be smarter than that.

I do hope you're managing okay today sinking, and I hope you still have your health. Physical health, mental health, is very very important.😔

Sending peaceful thoughts your way today.🙏

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Default Apr 08, 2022 at 08:28 AM
  #4
Thank you both for answering.

Yesterday i was triggered very bad and i have seriously thought about doing it, but then i tried to distract myself and i also had a breakthrough... i guess it would have been the first time i would have done it because i was angry at myself.

Usually, i use it just to have relief from whatever, but this time i realized i was very angry at myself. i still didnt mean to punish myself but again just have a relief from these feelings of hatred.

i keep thinking about it, but if i can, i want to wait until i see my T and psych next week. if after that i'll still feel like doing it, then i guess i'll do it.

i also realized it would have also been to take a "break" from life and make something happen. i know it must sound stupid, but i have nothing else in life making me feel alive.

i guess i could try to have strong feelings so that i feel alive in other ways, but i feel i belong to the psych ward.

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Default Apr 08, 2022 at 09:28 AM
  #5
You're welcome, @sinking.

No, it doesn't sound stupid to me, using SH to take a break from life, to feel alive. I can relate very much in my own way, sinking. My old doctor of 20 years, told me my drinking was a form of self harm and due to other symptoms diagnosed me with BPD. I've stayed away from the bottle for two years now, though.

Also,I'm glad you've postponed the SH. Yes, have a talk with your T and psych, that's a great idea. I can totally relate to negative self thoughts and feelings too. I've had self esteem issues forever.

And I think you're right that if you can find something, a pass time, an activity, a hobby, that can make you feel alive inside yourself, it can definitely offset the inner negativities and give you some joy. Wow, can you imagine that, sinking? Joy. Actual joy! I have some pass times like that. It makes me feel interested in life. If you don't mind me saying so, maybe you could make it a focus to find enjoyable things with the help of your T?

Anyway, I'll leave it there now, sinking. I'm glad you're okay and have your T and psych appointments next week. You're doing well!🙏

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Default Apr 09, 2022 at 09:29 AM
  #6
Thank you mote.of.soul,

no, i cant actually imagine feeling joy.

my feelings wont allow me feel that.

relief is the closest i can think of. but that would involve SH and drinking.

but i've also thought about volunteering with kids/teens. sometimes i think it would make some difference, sometimes i think it would not. sometimes i think it would make me feel more fulflled and sometimes i think i would be like putting myself in a cage of fear, strong unwanted feelings, too much responsibilities or the opposite (doing something that would be too much for me but mean nothing to others).

im pissed off at myself because i think the happiest moments i've had are those in which i was close to dying or while IP or talking with T and psych.

i know i have family's love (cat included) but i feel that as a person of my own i have nothing but SH or SUI and T.

i still want to end up in Hosp for severe SH. it would be stupid and maybe i could regret it but its very attractive to me now.

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Default Apr 09, 2022 at 08:37 PM
  #7
Counselling, therapy, talking with counsellor, IP etc., there's nothing wrong with that, sinking. No need to feel ashamed of those things - because they're meant to make you feel happier. Yes, do that, it's good. Take full advantage of them. But putting yourself in the hospital through SH - no. I can't validate that, sorry, but I do appreciate that it is how you feel.🙏

I spent months, nearly two years off and on in residential care (they had groups and counselling) because I knew I needed help. I don't regret it. Please, utilise those services some more. It's for the best, sinking. It is.🙏🙏🙏

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Default Apr 10, 2022 at 11:55 AM
  #8

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Default Apr 11, 2022 at 09:06 AM
  #9
In this sh**y world honesty never pays off. i got conned for it. f**ck. im pissed off.
everything goes wrong.
it doesnt matter if i always have good intentions. life doesnt care.
next week im going to yell with my whole body how hurt and sick and tired of everthing i am.
this thing im living is not life, if every single day is torture. i dont want it. i hate it. i want blood everywhere.

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Default Apr 13, 2022 at 08:19 AM
  #10
i cant stop thinking about it. these thoughts follow me everywhere all the time.

i've told T but it didnt help.

tomorrow im going to tell psych.

if it doesnt pass, next week im going to give in. im sick and tired or resisting the urges and the thoughts. im obsessed.

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Default Apr 16, 2022 at 07:07 AM
  #11
I've told T and psych but urges are still there, visions are still there, im still obsessed. im thinking about when, not if.

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Default Apr 20, 2022 at 07:53 AM
  #12
Im still thinking about it. if i wanted a break from life here you go: i called in sick for the whole week. no doubt im enjoying it but im still thinking i have to do it. it feels like i wont be at peace with myself until i do it. its like i made a promise and i have to keep my word. i cant even sleep at night because this is all i can think about. what else can i do? please help...

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