advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Albatross2008
Grand Poohbah
 
Albatross2008's Avatar
Albatross2008 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1,627
5 yr Member
342 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Trig Jun 02, 2022 at 07:46 PM
  #1
I'm sorry. I haven't been here in a while, and I can't remember how to use the trigger tag. So I can't hide anything. I can only use the icon.

I am very harsh with myself when I make a mistake. I may go easy on myself the first time, or two, but after several tries, I go ballistic and lose my temper. When I have a lot of trouble figuring something out, or something doesn't work out the way I think it should have, I will have a full-on beatdown on myself. I will slap my own face, multiple times. I don't leave any visible sign of injury, no red marks or bruises, but I think even doing it is a problem. I verbally abuse myself along with it, cussing myself out, calling myself names, telling myself I am stupid.

It's not so others will jump in and defend me, because I am always alone when I do this. In the distant past, others have seen me do it, but nobody knows it still happens.

I don't know how to talk myself out of it. I tell myself, angrily in the moment, that this is how my mistakes would have been handled when I was a child, and since nobody ever stepped in to protect me, it must have been the right thing to do. Logically I realize, just because they didn't call it abuse back then, doesn't mean it wasn't abuse. It most certainly was.

I've tried making it a policy never to say to myself what I wouldn't feel comfortable saying to a child. I would never dream of treating anybody else the way I treat myself, nor would I stand by in silence and watch somebody getting treated that way. Nobody deserves it. We all make mistakes. But somehow that doesn't stop me in the heat of the moment. Somewhere in the deepest part of my head, I still have the thought that it's only called abuse when it happens to somebody else. Anything done to me is justifiable.

Help?

Thank you.
Albatross2008 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty

advertisement
SlumberKitty
Legendary Wise Elder
 
SlumberKitty's Avatar
SlumberKitty is staying stable.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
117.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 03, 2022 at 09:49 AM
  #2
Hi Arbie, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I know I have done so many negative things to myself that I would never dream to do to another person--so I get where you are coming from. I don't know if you have ever tried counseling but it might help. It is hard to break those old thoughts that something isn't abuse unless it is happening to someone else. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) may be helpful, although personally it is not my favorite type of therapy but it is good for challenging negative thoughts which it sounds like you have negative thoughts about yourself. I am sorry you were treated wrongly as a child. You didn't deserve it. No child does. They deserve love, care, protection, and to know that they are worthy. You deserve all of these things now, it is just much harder as an adult to overcome our past and get to that place of self acceptance and love. But, my friend, it is possible.

Do you know if it is possible to stop yourself before you engage in such behaviors? Is there something that you can do to intercept them, and head them off? For me, I have three friends that I can call, text, whatever and they will support me. That has truly been life-saving and has really helped me on my journey to free myself from self harm. I am at 102 days free of self harm but over the past 2.5 years I have only done self harm a few times. I feel like I am on the road to recovery--but here's the thing, I couldn't do it alone. I needed people who would stand by me and support me. If you don't have friends like that in your life, but I hope you do, there are other options. Have you heard of NAMI? They are the National Alliance on Mental Illness and they run free support groups all around the United States. I would wager there is one by you. I am in a rural place and we have one. I would recommend you check it out. People go there from all walks of life and with all sorts of mental illnesses but still there is common ground.

The other thing is to do things for yourself that foster self love and self acceptance. Take care of yourself. Eat right. Exercise. Get enough sleep. Shower consistently. Etc. The more you take care of yourself as you should be taken care of, the more that you will begin to believe that you are worthy of being taken care of. But I think it is going to take some more intervention than just that. Those things help but alone they aren't enough. I encourage you to seek someone out on your journey that can help you. A friend. A group of friends. A professional. A priest. A support group. Someone.

In the meantime, feel free to write here and to get support here. I hear you.

HUGS, if wanted, Kit.

__________________
Dum Spiro Spero
IC XC NIKA
SlumberKitty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Albatross2008
 
Thanks for this!
Albatross2008
Albatross2008
Grand Poohbah
 
Albatross2008's Avatar
Albatross2008 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1,627
5 yr Member
342 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 03, 2022 at 10:22 PM
  #3
Thank you for your support. I've had enough therapy over the years to know why this behavior is not healthy, but apparently not enough to stop me from eventually losing it, and lashing out at myself. I know, rationally, that I deserve that kind of treatment as much as anybody else does, which is to say not at all.

One therapist and I discovered a possible barrier to my ability to overcome this. The problem is, after I've made several mistakes in a row and become frustrated, I will punish myself and then, darned if I don't do it right the next time. Which tells my brain the same thing it told my mother's brain when she would punish me as a child. In her way of thinking, as long as the punishment brought about the desired result, "Well, it worked, didn't it?" Yeah, but at what cost?

But the same thing happens when I punish myself. It “works.” Threats might also “work.” Just as she might have said, “Do that again and I'll (insert punishment here),” or “You've got a (whatever punishment) coming,” I might threaten myself using the same kind of tone and language. Then I do it right, and stop making mistakes. This puts it into my mind that my threat "worked,” and makes me even more likely to do it again.

Essentially, I'm parenting myself as an adult the way I was parented as a child. Whether in therapy or with other support, I'm going to have to find some method of getting my brain to focus without scaring it.
Albatross2008 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:19 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.