Shifting fantasies

I'm adding a trigger warning to the post for a reason . While I don't go into much detail, if you are a victim of a violent crime of any type, I would urge you to not read on, or at least skip reading the content of the parts I have hidden in the trigger warnings. You can also simply skip ahead to the last paragraph where I ask the questions that lead me here

So, as some of you may know I have had fantasies in the past, of I'll spare you any details, they don't belong here.

Anyway, I've fought these fantasies and urges for the past decade and a half. A little over a year ago, I entered therapy with my wonderful T, and though he understandably had a LOT of reservations working with me and my issues at the start, he has been absolutely amazing and I have made steady progress.

In the past week or two, my fantasies have shifted to harming myself. I have last done this when I was like 16, and only for a short while. I've done a bit of reasearch on the topic, and noticed that researching it really doesn't benefit me, does it? Rather, it seems to increase the urge to self harm. So I guess I shouldn't do that...


However, this also means it is much more likely for me to act upon the urge to self harm, than my prior urges.

So I guess I come here looking for guidance. How should I deal with this? Do I avoid researching self harm? Do I push away the thoughts or let them come and accept them as a part of me? Do I do too much sport or whatever instead? Should I ask my T how he deals with self harm, i.e. would he place me in patient, and at what point? Or should I rather not clarify this, as knowing this might entice me to test his limits? For now, I really just want to research the topic of self harm, but I noticed myself looking for tips rather then for guidance on how not to do it, so that's probably not very helpful...

At alternating times I have either pushed away thoughts, or invited them to be part of me, sat with them peaceably, or actively tried to rid myself of them. It all depends what I need in the moment. I would suggest not looking for tips but if you can educate yourself about self harm I think that would be good. I am glad you have a good T who is helping you with this. HUG kit