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pliepla
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Default Apr 21, 2023 at 09:57 AM
  #1
  • Regarding hitting yourself ...
  • Yes, I am going to keep doing that
... which was apparently not a good answer. In short I have to start looking for a psychiatrist again (despite earlier traumatizing experiences) and will probably have to accept all the horrible side effects of the chemical junk they impose on their patients
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Default Apr 22, 2023 at 12:03 AM
  #2
Wow


Do you mean that the psychiatrist told you that he/she didn't want to see you anymore and that your access to them has been terminated?
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Default Apr 22, 2023 at 01:34 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by TheGal View Post
Wow


Do you mean that the psychiatrist told you that he/she didn't want to see you anymore and that your access to them has been terminated?
No, the general physician is worried.
I have arrythmia, which was probably induced by an antidepressant. This is part of why I am depressed. I have only one way to handle the stress ... and apparently I should give that up.
I don't want to der a psychiatrist anymore because of their fixation on meds, their unwill to recognize side-effects and because other things happened.
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Default Apr 22, 2023 at 04:35 PM
  #4
So sorry to hear about your arrhythmia, pliepla. I hope it is mild and not severe.

Do you have a psychologist with whom you feel safe and can talk freely? That might help you more than a psychiatrist.


I've hit myself in the past, not so long ago actually, and so your story resonated with me on that level. I take medication, but I don't think it helps with the hitting I think, in my case, I cannot or am prevented from expressing myself... I think I'm overwhelmed with emotion and I do it as a release. I am still trying to figure out the dynamic, to be honest.


Do you have any insight as to why you do it? I'd be interested to hear what you have to say...
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Default Apr 25, 2023 at 12:28 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by TheGal View Post
So sorry to hear about your arrhythmia, pliepla. I hope it is mild and not severe.
It is not that bad. Probably triggered by an antidepressant and as I have been off since three years, my heart turns out to be more regular than the average healthy heart. But I do have an ICD (implantable cardioverter-defibrillator) and I am no longer allowed to work out intensively. All this has been a major life change and especially the ICD drains all my confidence, especially when it comes to dating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGal View Post
Do you have a psychologist with whom you feel safe and can talk freely? That might help you more than a psychiatrist.
I do have a psychologist. I trust her. More or less. She's my best bet but I do have a history of therapists who didn't listen and a psychiatrist who eventually turned to victim blaming. I have trust issues since then and it is hard, but she does make a difference.


Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGal View Post
I've hit myself in the past, not so long ago actually, and so your story resonated with me on that level. I take medication, but I don't think it helps with the hitting I think, in my case, I cannot or am prevented from expressing myself... I think I'm overwhelmed with emotion and I do it as a release. I am still trying to figure out the dynamic, to be honest.


Do you have any insight as to why you do it? I'd be interested to hear what you have to say...
I used to tear and bite away the skin around my nails from when I was +/- 14. I don't do that anymore. It doesn't hurt anymore.

I started hitting in an impulse, mostly hen I was overwhelmed by emotions. My earliest recollection - I might have started earlier, but I can't remember - goes back to my early thirties. I had a very troublesome relationship with my mother and I ended up hitting myself when she was yelling at me (which sometimes lasted for an hour or more). Later on, I "slipped" when I went through strong emotions, but it was all in an impulse.
At some point I got married (and was hitting myself from time to time in the beginning of that relationship) and eventually divorced four years ago. But as I grew more confident, I managed to leave the self harm (also the cutting at my fingertips) behind for a good ten years. And then, about a year and a half ago, due to things that were happening en therapy - I was in a CBT based program, felt forced to do things I was uncomfortable with and my feedback was ignored - it happened again in an impulse. After that, I was put under pressure to go for a leisurely bike ride - I used to go mountainbiking and was always pushing myself to the limit - and I slipped twice.
Recently, I found myself deeply in love with a woman who just broke up and is probably not ready for any step beyond friendship (I don't even have a clue whether I would ever stand a chance). I have been hitting myself more frequently than ever these last two months. I also notice a shift: where it used to happen in an impulse in the beginning, I have also become well aware of the soothing effect. I do fight the urge but I end up planning, sometimes even trying to push myself over the edge by creating the right atmosphere (like playing music that is connected with certain memories).

This shift does worry me. I read somewhere that men are more prone to forms of self injury that happen in an impulse. Hitting for instance. I am not al all at ease with the evolution I am going through and I am really frightened that I might at some day decide to turn to other, more efficient, means which intrinsically require more planning.
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Default Apr 25, 2023 at 07:35 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by pliepla View Post
It is not that bad. Probably triggered by an antidepressant and as I have been off since three years, my heart turns out to be more regular than the average healthy heart. But I do have an ICD (implantable cardioverter-defibrillator) and I am no longer allowed to work out intensively. All this has been a major life change and especially the ICD drains all my confidence, especially when it comes to dating.

Hope all continues to go well with the ICD. It is a major life change, as you say. I have blocked carotids which I have to have re-evaluated this year so that I may resume exercise. Again, sorry to hear about the arrhythmia possibly due to meds...


Quote:
Originally Posted by pliepla View Post
I do have a psychologist. I trust her. More or less. She's my best bet but I do have a history of therapists who didn't listen and a psychiatrist who eventually turned to victim blaming. I have trust issues since then and it is hard, but she does make a difference.
I, too, am developing trust issues... I am currently without a psychiatrist and also a family doctor. I have to go to walk-in clinics for my meds. My former psychiatrist (who I left) gave me very bad financial advice and made me feel ashamed that I have MI. Looking back, I ought to have stood up to him, but I was in too weak of a position and very vulnerable. I feel like I've been injured by that person.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pliepla View Post
I used to tear and bite away the skin around my nails from when I was +/- 14. I don't do that anymore. It doesn't hurt anymore.

I used to bite and tear my nails when I was a kid, but I stopped, only to have taken it up a few years ago since my breakdown.

I read (at the link below) that the injurious behaviour could be a way of dealing with aggression or anxiety. I think for me, it is the latter.

The Psychology Behind Nail Biting


Quote:
Originally Posted by pliepla View Post
I started hitting in an impulse, mostly hen I was overwhelmed by emotions. My earliest recollection - I might have started earlier, but I can't remember - goes back to my early thirties. I had a very troublesome relationship with my mother and I ended up hitting myself when she was yelling at me (which sometimes lasted for an hour or more). Later on, I "slipped" when I went through strong emotions, but it was all in an impulse.

Interesting. Yes, I think it is mainly impulsive for me as a way of dealing with overwhelming emotions. I really want to be more proactive in identifying the emotions and learning how to express them. For now, I am trying to quickly leave situations which are volatile emotionally... meaning, i get up and go out.

So sorry to hear you were yelled at for so long... that is a demeaning and humiliating experience.


Quote:
Originally Posted by pliepla View Post
At some point I got married (and was hitting myself from time to time in the beginning of that relationship) and eventually divorced four years ago. But as I grew more confident, I managed to leave the self harm (also the cutting at my fingertips) behind for a good ten years. And then, about a year and a half ago, due to things that were happening en therapy - I was in a CBT based program, felt forced to do things I was uncomfortable with and my feedback was ignored - it happened again in an impulse. After that, I was put under pressure to go for a leisurely bike ride - I used to go mountainbiking and was always pushing myself to the limit - and I slipped twice.
I'm sorry to hear that you were coerced in therapy and that your feedback was ignored. I know what that's like as well... I hit myself when I was in an emotionally relationship in my 30s because I wasn't listened to. I was barked at. That was the first time I hit myself; although, I do count the banging of my head on the floor when I was a toddler and not respected to be the first time I engaged in self-injury.

The hitting has resurfaced since I've been seeing a so-called therapist six months ago... it's starting to turn into a more regular occurrence, and I don't want to do it anymore really. I want to tell the therapist off, but am afraid to because I don't have a pdoc nor even a family doc.


Quote:
Originally Posted by pliepla View Post
Recently, I found myself deeply in love with a woman who just broke up and is probably not ready for any step beyond friendship (I don't even have a clue whether I would ever stand a chance). I have been hitting myself more frequently than ever these last two months. I also notice a shift: where it used to happen in an impulse in the beginning, I have also become well aware of the soothing effect. I do fight the urge but I end up planning, sometimes even trying to push myself over the edge by creating the right atmosphere (like playing music that is connected with certain memories).

Unrequited love: another intense emotion.


It sounds like you're doing controlled releases and that it is intentional now.

I fantasize about other injurious behaviours, but I'm worried those fantasies might turn into a reality.

My overall feeling is that it's a slippery slope and we have to be careful.

I need to better learn how to deal with my emotions.

Have you heard of the open chair technique in Gestalt therapy? I think it could really help people such as us.


Quote:
Originally Posted by pliepla View Post
This shift does worry me. I read somewhere that men are more prone to forms of self injury that happen in an impulse. Hitting for instance. I am not al all at ease with the evolution I am going through and I am really frightened that I might at some day decide to turn to other, more efficient, means which intrinsically require more planning.

There is a certain kind of glee to planning and a sense of control... The rise and ego boost... I worry about that actually.

Thank you so much for sharing you're story with me pliepla.

Virtual hugs to you, if wanted.
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Default May 14, 2023 at 05:24 AM
  #7
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...
It's all so relatable.
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