Broken

I feel completely broken inside.

I wasn't sure where to post this, but when I look in the mirror, I feel like I can see my trauma. I have flashbacks and all that, but when I look in the mirror it's like I can see it (hard to explain).

This year was a big year for me and it brought a lot up. Ive had no support throughout. In July, I turned to drinking. Since then, Ive been drinking every damn day. My husband has started keeping money in a seperate account. I am struggling also a lot with my relationship with him. I don't think he loves me and tbh I find him emotionally/mentally abusive. I have no where else to go otherwise I would up and leave. But I have no job, no money, etc.

Everything is getting to me. My physical health is ***** but I can't afford to get help. I feel like I'm letting people around me down (not that they exactly care about me...but my problem is, you could be the worst person to me and I will still love you/like you). I don't have a hateful bone in my body. Typically, I only end up hating myself.

With where I am in life, this is not where I thought I would be. I feel like I have no life and that I am barely existing. I feel like I have nothing and that I've lost myself. I don't have anything that I like, or anything I really do for me. I constantly feel depressed and don't see any point.

There is too much going on and I'm so overwhelmed. My head is spinning.

Typically, tonight it is back to drinking. That's all that is on for me. However, Ive thought a lot about suicide again. I figured that if I still felt the way I do by new year, I'd be attempting. I already have a plan in place. With the way I feel though, I don't even know if I will get through tonight. I don't feel like I even want to. I mean, what does it matter if I take my life. Not going to be missed. I'm no good for anyone anyway. The pain from all of this does hurt and I don't want to feel like this anymore, so I feel like this is my only option.

I'll b ok...

I just hurt so much and nobody cares. When I reach out to people for help I get told "stop having a pity party for yourself."