Struggling… relapsed

Hi all, I’m new here.
I hope I’m posting in the right board? It didn’t seem to fit any of the others?
I’m really really struggling with some feelings I’m having, regarding my appearance and lifelong trauma around being labelled “ugly”. It’s been happening since I was 6, I’m now 31, turning 32 this year.
It’s not just a few people who have said it either; it’s been en masse (many many MANY people) ever since the age of 6. And it isn’t just things that are said either. It’s the way I’ve been treated my whole life too. It’s absolutely disgusting. I’ve been treated as sub human my whole life for my appearance. Been asked out or hit on as “a joke”, been publicly shamed and humiliated and harassed even by total strangers so many times. Cheated on and abused by exes. Betrayed by my own family and former friends…
Had crimes committed against me, even…
There’s been so much of it.
I fled my home country to escape and to restart my life almost 8 years ago. I managed to even get a lot of cosmetic surgery and other procedures, worked on my body and my appearance in other ways so I’d feel happier and better in myself. For the longest time, it worked. Or so I thought!
I’m married now and I’m finally happy. But recently a few people including my own adoptive sister (who I always thought I was very close to and was like a best friend to me! So that betrayal hurts all the more!) have said and done things which triggered those feelings of being ugly again. It’s made me relapse terribly. I have harmed myself, and I have spiralled.
I’m honestly not a shallow person. Ever! I could NEVER refer to someone else as “ugly” or anything like that. And I don’t care about looks when it comes to others.
But I am so full of self loathing and I truly hate myself for being so ugly and disgusting and worthless.
Because it’s true. It always has been. Why else would SO MANY people say it and attack me for it and treat me as inhuman for so long if it wasn’t true?

I’ve been in therapy since I was 13 and on medications but none of them have ever been able to fix this so there’s no point in suggesting that. Every time I try to talk to anyone about this, I get the typical cliche responses of “oh no you’re so beautiful” (no I’m not). “But you’re beautiful on the inside”. Blah blah.
Or I get judged, scolded/told off, called “shallow”, accused of “attention seeking” or “fishing for compliments” which I AM NOT!!!! Or I get told to “just ignore it” or “be grateful” or “think positive” and other cliches. All of which do not help at all and make me feel worse! I can’t just ignore it. If I could, I wouldn’t have the issue in the first place. Besides, this has happened all my life now, pretty much, and it’s ingrained into my head.
Nobody understands what I’m going through or seems to relate. Or they turn it into a competition or an excuse to judge me or berate me or accuse me of being superficial or “not having my priorities straight” and stuff like that. I just feel so invalidated which makes me feel even worse and more alone, on top of feeling so ugly and hideous and worthless. I don’t deserve to be here or take up space.

It’s really badly affecting my life and I can’t help it. Nothing works.
I have because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I haven’t harmed in years but I just had to. I really had to. I couldn’t deal with these feelings anymore.
I haven’t told anyone (except my husband, who obviously noticed.) I’m so incredibly depressed and alone in this. It’s tearing me apart.
I’m not asking for advice here. I just want to feel less alone… Nobody understands or even tries to. 😞 I want to disappear off the face of the earth.
Thanks for reading

((((lavenderghost))))

I feel so sorry for your pain and wish there was something I could say to alleviate your suffering.

I can say that I'm angry at those who've called you ugly... they're not good people. Stay away from them. They don't deserve your kind heart.

Now that you have injured yourself, could you engage in an opposite positive aspect of selfcare now, such as taking a luxurious bath and putting on some skin cream? Listen to some nice music, perhaps?

What did you do to your face? Is that permanent harm or will the face heal and not show any traces?

((((( lavenderghost )))))

I'm angry at those awful people who have called you ugly!

LavenderGhost, hi. People can be cruel, attacking that which we are most sensitive to, it’s one of the ugly things about society. So focused and obsessed about appearances that the facade of the soul carries more importance than the truth within it.
People are conditioned in this way, I too am a product of this conditioning and with shame, perpetuate these ideals to some degree.
I understand that the value of a person does not rely on appearance or achievement, but that exact idea has been hammered into my head from outside forces since the first day I can remember. I am sorry that the world is organized in this way, I’m sorry for my sometimes shallow nature, I’m sorry that you are judged for something you have no control over but most of all I’m sorry that I do not know what to say in order to bring you any relief from your sorrows.

I am so sorry that this is the message you received from those who were supposed to love you... And worse, that you have internalized these people's * subjective* standards of beauty.

I know it hurts to feel those feelings. Yet, I would invite you to show yourself compassion and not replicate the hurt and hate that these other people are projecting onto you.

Their treatment of you says a lot about *them*. Shame on them.

It just goes to show, what I have been saying for decades; Welcome to the gigantic trash pile that makes up most of humanity. People are so superficial and in situations like yours act as if in a gang mentality. Give me a choice any day of choosing whom to advise me, if it were my job, about how to launch some sort of attack, or destroy something or someone. A. A think tank of some of the brightest minds on the planet, B. A room full of highschool seniors , C. A gigantic sprawling metropolis full of millions. If that were the test question, it would be faulty. You would have to add an answer; D. It makes no difference because they are all the same. That is the correct answer, whenever I hear those talk about things like most people are really okay and genuinely have other's best interests in their hearts. For those that do that, if I were still practicing, I would order copious amounts of Thorazine or Haldol as they have no real grip on reality. There are exceptions, there are those that are decent people, the trick of that one is; Everyone likes to tell themselves they are one of them, when in reality they number very few. All I can say is that people should not have done this to you, that is just plain awful, and really sorry they have. I am brutally honest, and if it walk's like a craphead, acts like a craphead, yup it's a craphead. Been dealing with them my whole life and their recidivism rate is 100%.