Talking about it

Today a kid talked to me. We had talked before and were chatting again. He was telling me some pretty disturbing things, including what sounded like abuse at home, and vices that he did. He talked about it so casually, but it made me think that maybe I was meant to be here for him to talk to.

Kind of out of nowhere he mentioned self injury, casually telling me he did it. I don't really remember how the conversation flowed from there, if I told him I used to do it too, or if he outright asked me. He asked why, and I was a bit stumped and said it was like a coping thing. I didn't really think much about my answer. He told me he guessed it because of my jacket, which I was still wearing out in the heat.

I guess knowing that he did it too made it easier to talk about. I always had difficulty with that before, and it was always easier to just say I didn't do it anymore, which was sometimes the truth at the time. Still, I didn't really know what to say, and I didn't ask him either, but he just told me. Some of the things he said were familiar, like I had felt that before, but it felt distant. I was able to remember some reflection I had done before and told him my experience of it feeling less intense when I got older as compared to when I was a teenager.

One thing he talked about also was how he had a different attitude about it when it was his gf doing it vs. when it was him. It also made me think of how I would rationalize to myself that drinking and smoking were worse than si, but I couldn't say that to him. On the other hand, he actually also did those things, but it didn't strike me as much as when he told me about the si, and I'm only realizing this now.

I thought of giving him my number or something so he could contact me to talk when he felt alone again, because he also mentioned s. thoughts, but he didn't ask and I didn't offer. I will most likely see him again though.

I don't really know what to think about the encounter. He talked about everything so openly without prompting. In retrospect, I'm thinking that maybe he had already noticed my jacket and guessed it the first time we talked and perhaps that was what made him gravitate towards me.

I don't really know what emotions I'm feeling right now. I feel some sense of dissatisfaction, maybe some sadness.

Sounds like you had a genuine connection with that young fellow given your shared lived experience.

How are you doing nowadays?

I've been okay, thank you. I have been busy mainly with work and some side activities, including this one where I met this kid. I have let myself become more detached these past years, and seeing someone up close going through this struck me.

Yes, I can see this experience struck you, as it would me too, tbh.