How do I stop, can't get it out of my head!!

Keep thinking about SI and how it would make me feel better. I oppsied (new word?) last night. Had a fight with the razor, I lost.

Now I keep thinking about it. How much more damage I can do. Why not, does not matter anyway. But this nagging feeling of cutting so deep that any life left inside will drip away. Just let me wash away.

This is insane. My kids are in bed. I could not do such a damaging act that would be set in their minds for the rest of their precious lives. I won't do this. How do I stop myself from doing any of this at all. Its wanting to creep in my head and not quite get out. Foolish aren't I. Why can't one just turn this junk off and keep it off. GGGRRRR.

Justy

I "lost" last night to cutting, too. I know sometimes when I cut it doesn't seem like it's enough. So I want to cut more and more and more.

Try to think of your children and what they would think. Or even if one of them would cut, how would that affect you? Have you tried journaling? I know as long as I keep my hands busy, I do ok and don't cut...do whatever it takes...play cards, write, play a game on the net, whatever. You're kids need you.

Justy, you are under and EXTREMELY huge load of stress right now. You are going to have si urges and you're going to want to restrict your food, and have suicidal thoughts- you are going to be fighting these things a lot for a while because this is how you have learned to cope. Knowing in advance that you are susceptible to this can help you out. If you know that you need to watch yourself more lately, then you can avoid doing these things much easier.

What I think you need to do is to develop a crisis plan. Maybe your T can help you out with this, too. Outline what you are to do in a crisis- when you are wanting to si or do more, these are the steps you will take FIRST. Be very specific and list the things that you will try. Include things that could help to relieve your stress on that list. Make a committment to yourself, and maybe even a contract with your T, that you will do these things before you will allow yourself to consider si. Generally these plans contain a list of about 5 steps to coping with a crisis. You can add more if you need to, but I would not do any less than 5.

One good thing about this is if you determine the steps in your plan, it gives you something to control and it gives you a chance to plan out your actions & reactions purposefully. This helps you take charge of your recovery and be a very active part of determining how you will heal yourself. Also, if you work this out in while your mind is clearer, when the thoughts of si are there, they will be a little easier to resist, knowing that you have a crisis plan in place that you need to stick to. (And if the plan doesn't work, you can consult your T for ideas of how to amend it and make it more helpful for you). Another good thing about it is that sometimes when we exhaust all the steps we are supposed to take before si, by the time we have done this, we sometimes change our minds about si.

Give it a try, would you?

Be safe, sweetheart. *hugs*

Angela

((((Justy))))

Dear friend, I know you've had so much to deal with lately. It seems like more than your poor tired shoulders can bear. But we are all strong. YOU ARE STRONG. Much stronger than you think. You can fight this. You really can. You have so much good in your life. More than anything else, your children.

I'm so sorry for all the pain you're going through, all the uncertainty. I've been right where you are, with the si and the suicidal thoughts and honey, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things will get better, just please dont lose hope. We all care so much about you. I know I sure don't know what I'd do without seeing your posts on here. You've become quite dear to me and I am sending nothing but good thoughts your way that you find some peace within the chaos.

***Many blessings upon you!***

Take care of yourself, friend
Kimberly.

AAWWW ((((Lexicon)))) sorry to hear this. Are you okay today???
Please let us know how your feeling today. Sending you tons of hugs and love. (if thats okay).

((((Angela)))), awsome ideas. This I will definetly do. I will be talking to my t tomorrow. I am going to write this down and discuss it with her. Thanks very much, sounds like its something giving a try with. You are an intelligent lady, I see it everytime I read what you say. And I love this about you!

((((Kimberly)))) what wonderful words you have sent. I was drinking coffee while reading this; haha, I started to cry just as taking a sip, now I have coffee down my chin; lololol. too funny. Sometimes, or for the most part lately, the hope is so far away. But I don't think I have completely lost it or I would not be here.

I want you to know, I feel the same way. You've have grabbed a huge part of my heart. You are all so dear to me, I would be lost without you.

Thanks again. You are my true and dear friends, part of me, part of my family. And yes, my kids are the wonderful things so close to my life. They are so wonderul, just lovely souls. I love staring at them, makes me smile everytime. Its cute, our dog sleeps on the bed beside them every night. Its supposed to be my son's bed, but he sleeps with his sis. So puppy took over the bed; lolol. He just adores the kids. I feel like he is their protector. I don't worry having him here.

I send these wishes back to you. Your a kind hearted person.

Love coming your way,

Justy

Awfully inept right now - but scrawling wlidly on the wall with a pencil helps oftentimes - and you get to paint over it in place of the whole bandge routine.

(((((((hugs))))))

Apologies for saying so little of use

I have some seriously sick thoughts going through my head. I don't know how much longer I can avoid this. I am scared, afraid of myself. I keep crying and can't stop and feel so alone.

I want someone so bad, just to be with me. I am sooo scared. I know how sick I am, is this worth fighting for anymore?? I can't take this sadness, the total devastating feeling rushing inside. Its the worst pain I have felt. I am in trouble.

Justy

((((((((((((((((((Justy)))))))))))))))))))))

Hang in there , we are here for you. I know the urges can be strong . Do anything to get away from it. I wish I could be there in body for you and give you a real hug. You are such a sweet and caring person, I hate to see you in pain. Keep posting and writing me e-mails. I wish I could help more.

Love,
Leslie

Oh dear Leslie, I wish I could tell you in words how much you really do help!!

I would be lost without you. I am trying to stay away from the razors, but I have been using the laxatives instead. And it hurts big time. Constant tummy aches.

I feel so tired lately, I have been napping. But I don't hear a thing when I fall asleep. Its normally only for an hour or so, but feel just as drained when I wake up.

I will keep writing you!!! Wishng you the best tomorrow, let me know please. Don't over do it this weekend. You need rest.

Thanks ((((((((((((((((((Leslie))))))))))))))))), thinking of you always,

Justy