I told :\

You guys, my sister (the one who works with the mentally ill but told me to stay out of the hospital because it looks bad, you know, that one?) has been bugging the H*LL out of me because she wants to do a "family session" with my pdoc and T "so I can support you in the way a family member should."

Well, geeeeezus, I don't want her knowing my stuff! She's 12 years older and was out of the house the whole time I was being abused, so she doesn't know (none of my sibs do) AND I AIN'T TELLIN'. And I don't want my "helpers" to tell her either.

But she's all over my butt because she doesn't understand how going to work for 10 minutes Sunday flipped me out enough to warrant a pdoc giving me a 2-week enforced vacation Monday.

After seeing my T today, who of course knows everything, I got a wild hair and thought maybe my sister would get off my butt if I put things in context for her. So I just sent her an email telling her that I self-injure, and why that got me to the hospital this time.

I am HOPINGHOPINGHOPING I did NOT make a huge mistake. I have no idea how she'll take it. Will it make her want to know more? Will it get her off my ***? I have no idea. I may not find out for a day or two, because she doesn't always check her email every day. I don't know what came over me to spill it to her, and I don't know if I should have, but it's too late now -- Earthlink doesn't have that nifty little feature like AOL does where you can take back unread mail.

I'm not sure why I'm posting about this -- I guess because I'm feeling kind of stupid and unsure of myself and need some reassurance (a hug or two wouldn't hurt, either! )

Will somebody please tell me I wasn't an idiot for doing this?

Candy

Hey.. Remember something good can come out of it. What if this is the chance that someone can support you. Maybe there is a website you can give her that explains about self-injury, what it is, and what its not. SweetCrusader might have some info on that. Don't worry. All things dont have to end badly. Sometimes people do live happily ever after

(((((((Candy)))))))

I don't think you were an idiot at all for doing this. I think you were incredibly brave!!!

Keeping secrets is just what our abusers want us to do anyway. The more you tell WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL, the more power you give yourself and take away from them.

Bravo!

I will be anxious to hear how it goes!

((((((more hugs)))))))

Angela

Candy,

I told my sister. It was like a year and a half ago that I told her, not long after my most significant SI episode that landed me in jail. I'm rather estranged from my family, living in a different state from any of them, and I hadn't had much communication with any of them for quite a while, but this particular sister (Angela, but not the same Angela who is here - my kids think they have two aunt Angelas, actually) had stayed with us for 6 weeks so that she could do a rotation for medical school in a rural setting, and we had some communication. She's younger than me, but was the one who followed me around reminding me how incapable and wrong I always was too, so I never felt like I could confide in her before. She is a psychiatrist now.

Anyway, I just called her up and told her one night. She was way more supportive than I ever thought she would be. She said she had been worried about me (I had always been careful not to let anyone in my family know that I had issues, but pretty much all of us do). And she had even tried SI herself, not cutting, but a method of her own, that would almost take a medical student to think of. She understood, and accepted it, and said that I had good insight into my problems. She has medication ideas for me from time to time, but has also accepted that I don't want to be medicated. I haven't told anyone else in my family, but I am glad that I told Angela. I was so nervous about it though.

Candy, I think it will be ok. It can really feel good sometimes to let some of your walls down and let your secret out, and get some support from someone who knows you. Let us know what she says, ok?

Wendy

Well, it felt horrible, actually. Very scary to tell somebody besides a T or a fellow SI-er.

But, she wrote back a bit ago and took it very well, and thanked me for helping her to understand me more. Then she started in on the "why don't you move here" stuff, which she throws out to me from time to time. She thinks it would be good for me to have family around. It's my family that f'd me up in the first place, but she doesn't know the worst of it and I'm not about to tell her. I have my life, and mental health folks I like and trust, here, and I'm not about to give them up and start over in another state.

I guess I'm glad she took it well, but I'm still kind of sorry I told. How weird is that?

Candy

Maybe you could explore why you still feel sorry for telling?

Oh, btw, when I told my sisters about it (both are younger than me), the first one I told admitted me that she was a cutter, too, and had been for a LOT longer than I had. I don't know whether or not she still is. The other one, I told her BECAUSE she cut herself and I wanted to let her know I knew where she was coming from and I was there for her and loved her, and she didn't need to do it, she could confide in me. Her story was that she only did it for attention from her friends because one of them did it, too. But there were other scars that looked way too suspicious to have been "accidents" like she was telling everyone. I think she was into burning, too. I find it interesting that all three of the girls ended up cutting, though none of us knew about eachother until later. I don't know of my brother cutting or anything, but he has other self-destructive behaviors. So 3 out of 4 of us ended up doing it.

Anyway, I got derailed off topic! Sorry about that.

I do hope you can work through your feelings about this, Candy.

One question- are you the only one that your parents abused? Or does everyone just not talk about the abuse? Just curious

Angela

Your sister loves you! When I was going through something similar I felt ashamed when my family knew what was happening. Were you afraid of what she'd think of what you did? I was surprised by the reactions from family members that I expected the worst from. One family member even told me they had done the same thing a long time ago. They understood, and it made me feel better. Not all of my family was so understanding, but they still loved me, in their own muddled ways.
I'm sure that no matter what, your sister isn't going to give up trying to help you, number one, so maybe you should just get used to it and accept that she cares about you. Number two, she should still respect your privacy! If she becomes really hard to take, maybe have one of your helpers talk to her about backing off?
It sounds like she's just trying to be a good big sister. It would hurt me a lot knowing that my little brother was going through that, and not being able to help.
Sometimes letting an eager helper know what EXACTLY what they can do to help you, (giving them specific tasks,) and then letting them know you appreciate it, will calm them down. Think of something your sister could do for you from where she is that wouldn't be interfering with your life.

Angela, my sibs are all way older than me (8, 10, 12, 13 yrs) and were either already out of the house or wrapped up in their own lives and not paying attention to me (little sisters being a pain in the butt, you know). They weren't around for my dad's heavy drinking and what my mom did to me, so they pretty much escaped unscathed. Because I was so far behind them, I got the worst of everything. I guess when you think you've stopped at 4 and then get stuck with a surprise 5th kid, it causes some resentment.....

Anyway, I'm sorry I told because I just don't want any of them to know. I'm fine discussing it with Ts and pdocs and people here, but I don't want my family in on how bad my mental health is. My mom thinks she was Mother of the Year, so there's no reasoning with her, and I don't think my sibs would believe me if I told them what she did to me, so I would just rather keep it to myself. I *KNOW* my T and pdoc will believe me, so they're "safe." It's so hard for me to talk about anyway that I just can't chance anyone in my family calling me a liar.

I dunno. Maybe it would be different if we were a closer family. But as it stands, I'd prefer they not know anything. Is that weird of me?

Candy

((((((((((safe hugs for Candy)))))))))))

I don't think it's weird at all. I'm in the same boat, except I was the oldest and the one who took the brunt of all the physical and mental abuse. The younger kids know it BUT they just don't talk about it. I am the oldest of 5. Anyway, I think it's understandable that you don't want them to know anything more than what they know. I am the same. I told my sister that once I was suicidal and she looked at me in total disbelief....so I've not really talked about it since. It's like they know something is wrong with me but they never bring it up. My husband is sorta the same too. He is the youngest of many children and his oldest sibling was 21 when he was born, so half the kids were grown before his dad started drinking heavily and abusing them. The older kids want to believe they "had it so much worse" than the youngers. But they are wrong.

It's the others that are weird, not us. Besides, if it's any consolation, you have us and I promise you PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE I'll be here for you no matter what you do or say! I'm just that way

Take Care of yourself hun,
Many blessings sent your way,
Kimberly.

My little brother got it a lot worse than me (at least on the physical end of things. The mental end, she didn't stop with me until I was in my late teens), I know that! I know because I was always hiding when things happened, and I could hear it. And, I did what mommy said. I think it was easier for her to do things to him because it was less likely he would tell anyone, and because she could blame it on his 'bad behaviour' if anyone found out. I told my dad once what was happening and he didn't beleive me until he went and looked at my brother's body. Then he went downstairs and hit my mom. I felt so guilty for telling on her! And I was afraid of what she'd do because I told. I never told again. I was already old enough to understand the games she played. He wasn't. All he could do was try to run away.
In later years, when I wasn't afraid any more, I was laways standing between which ever parent and him. I felt like I owed him that much. I talked to my dad about it a couple years ago, asking why he never spoke up when I was in the hospital and we were in family therapy sessions. When I talked about that stuff my whole family looked at me like I was nuts! I felt really betrayed that no one would say anything. It turned out that because I had only told once, my dad though it never happened again. My mom is in HUGE denial about that whole period of time, and my brother didn't really remember until years later when I looked at him and saw that he was wearing the belt mom used to hit him with. I asked him, "How can you wear that?" Then he remembered, and we talked about it for hours.
My brother and I have a great relationship now , and we've talked a lot about the things that happened. We have an understanding of our past that needs few words now. I guess because we are so close in age it's a lot easier for us to relate than siblings with ten or twenty years between them. I work with my brother every day, and we have a lot of mutual friends, so I don't know what it would be like to be so seperated from him.