[x_BabyG_x]

I just wanna apologise for not being around much lately, I do still care about you all, I really do.

Ive just had a bit of a rough few weeks. I went on holiday in august and my family ended up calling an ambulance for me in the middle of the night because I was having severe back pains. I was taken into scarborough hospital 30 miles from where we were staying and they wouldnt let me go home. I was in there for a few days, Phil was in spain at the time wanting to come home but he couldnt, and it was awful. I was so lonely.
I went back to work when I got home, when I should have been resting and I just felt so rough. I dont know why, but even though I was still ill, i was still agreeing to work 50 hours that week. I was getting up at 5am to get ready, and starting college the week after aswell, I was preparing for that. Not only was I in need of physical rest, but I think I needed it mentally too.
I had to end my therapy sessions because of college. My last session was so upsetting. Even though I have been doing so well lately, especially with trying to learn how to not 'hate myself' as much, and my SI. But I still felt like I needed him, and it was scary knowing I was all alone in this now. At least I felt that way.
Last week I started feeling worse - headaches, dizzyness, nausea, struggling to get out of bed in the mornings. Not only that I kept dissociating alot, I even had an episode of hearing and seeing things. I needed time off but I kept myself busy. I ended up in the hospital again on tuesday night.
They found that I had a serious infection in my pelvis, which Id had for a while now. I was in a pretty good mood that day because I was off for a photoshoot, even though I was feeling like crap. The thing is, when I found out what was wrong with me, they told me that it was associated with STI's (sexually transmitted infections). I had to tell Phil, because even though its not classed as one, it can still be passed on through sex.

I phoned him up and told him. He took it the wrong way. He thought I was 'blaming him' for 'passing something on' to me. He went mad. so did I. He made me feel like a bit of a sank to be honest. Then he brought my self injury into it...
I mentioned that he made a promise to stand by me through things like this, and that he wasnt doing a good job of it. Im not going to repeat what he said next but basically he made of my self injury was something he had to try and put up with me because of my self injury, even though I gave it up for him and Its been 4 months now. Even though I dont talk to him about it, because he just gets angry at me. He blamed me for being borderline, and that all I did was make thats my excuse for the way I behaved. That was it for me, I told him I never wanted to talk to him again.

My photoshoot was great, but I got a bit drunk, and ended up spending a bit too much... all of my savings to be exact, just to make me feel better. I didnt go into college the next day, I was too depressed.

During all that, I really suprised myself how I didnt cut. I may have spent a bit too much, I may have done other things I wasnt proud of, but I didnt cut, and it still shows how much I have learnt these past few months.

Me and phil are back together now, Im giving hom this second chance, but he has promised to TRY with me. Listen to me, learn to understand. I asked him if he even knew what BPD was and he just couldnt come up with an answer. It shows how much he cares to get to know that part of me, and I hope he keeps his promise.

Im taking a few days off to get my head together. I just wanna apologise and Ill try to get back to you all soon, I hope your all doing well, keep fighing the fight guys, and Im sorry - xxxxxxx

(((((((((((((((((((( baby )))))))))))))))))))

No apology necessary! Please take whatever time you need to take care of yourself physicaly and emotionally.

Sending peaceful thoughts and many

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((BabyG)))))))))))))))))))))))) You have come so far in your healing. Please take what time you need for you. We will be here when you are ready.

BB

[bchlyn]

congratulations on the 18 weeks... that's a big deal... i am sorry that things have been so hard...lyn

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you are doing better. This is great news...

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( babyG ))))))))))))))