Welcome to the self injury room

I'm sorry that you are going through all this pain. Hugs if you want them: If you don't want hugs then I'll just send my love:

I'm 40 yrs old and have been into self injury since I was a preteen. It started with biting my nails off until they bled and my fingers hurt. By highschool I was an acne/pimple scratcher, again until I bled. But my friends & family just thought it was typical, normal....I don't know. I believed them. But by college it became peeling my lips until all the skin was gone & covering the wound with layers of cold sore lip balm. I blotted out the blood with napkins and stared at the bright red until it became chocolate brown. I would become OCD, obsessed with filling up the whole white square with my blood. the pain was soothing in a way...I'm not sure why. I began to pull off my toe nails until they bled. I had trouble walking. I started picking at my scalp... It was surprisingly easy to hide my secret. No one ever noticed or they choose not to see. And it confirms that I'm invisible, that my fears & pain don't matter. I have 6 tattoos, 2 on my shoulder blades, 2 on my ankles, 2 on my wrists. They are my sacred scars. I loved the pain of the needle, the scabbing above the art, the blood mixed with the ink, and the approval that my personal ink received. It is the pain/wound/scar I could control, that I didn't have to hide, that I was prepared for, I knew it was coming....I got high off of the tattoos. I finally had to stop myself. I've wanted to slash my wrists , to cut myself with knives but I'm too afraid, of the pain and of the inappropriate markings that I couldn't hide. I don't really want anybody to notice my self-injury issues. When I am feeling desperate, I daydream about smashing my face through glass windows, A LOT, almost NONSTOP. Sounds of glass or the sight of windows can be a trigger, just to completely shred my face, to destroy myself, slice off the mask... Now I'm 40 yrs old and I'm STILL having these thoughts, still peeling my lips, still scratching at moles & bumps on my body until the blood flows. For me, self-injury is part self-hatred, part desperation to feel something/anything, part OCD, part some warped idea of my taking control of my emotions. Sometimes it's just a phenomenal RELEASE. I don't drink, smoke or have sex. I don't scream or fight or exercise. I just ....you know....

I found this site on a whim. I'm feeling...you know...so I thought I'd go online instead of bleed. I hope this works.

You are not invisible and you do matter -- every part of you -- your best and your worst parts.

Please, don't start cutting yourself. People will notice your cuts and even if they don't, you will feel guilty long afterwards especially if they leave scars. I've learned the hard way...I'll always have to wear long sleeves to hide all my scars.

By the way, welcome to Psych Central! I'm sure you'll find this place to be very helpful. I have.

Thanks for making this room because I never tell anyone about self-injury. Whenever my psych asks me, I deny everything.

I really appreciate your response. I made it. Didn't cut. Every day is a new struggle but now I have this forum to help me fight the urge, well, that and the latest season of Survivor...

I'm glad you didn't cut. Yay for you!!!

Hi everyone out there I just found this space today and Im glad to be able to distract myself from self harm by writing to you instead lots of things trigger it so I have been looking for anyone to talk to about my mental illness My name is Roxy and Im brand new to the internet, just 1 week now My doc says it can be very helpful. I suffer from bipolar, depression.panic attacks, PTSD, agoraphobia, anxiety plus some medical problems Ive been homebound for 5 years but I have been selk-injurious since high school. I havent stopped yet even after all these years. Well I guess thats enough about me for now if anyone out there wants to talk Ill be here waiting thanks for listening hope you are all well ROXY

Thanks!!! This is going to be so helpful for me because I've been having trouble with SI and it's nice to see I'm not the only one and there is help out there!

I think that this thread will be very helpful for me.

There are just episodes that... I feel the need to talk about but never have.

... did I do the trigger thing right?
I want to make sure before I post more specific things.

Hey Apple!

Feel free to talk about them as much as you want here.

You didn’t have to use the trigger button for that but when in doubt use it. Use it if you’re going to post something or including details that you think might be triggering to others or when mentioning SU or anything of that nature. Use your best judgement as to when you should use the trigger button. If you still have questions check here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=107951

^_^ Thanks.
I was just testing, wanted to make sure.
Because no one wants to hear sordid details without a trigger icon, I'm sure.

So... here goes.
I've really never talked about this episode and from all the times I can remember, this was the scariest... the kind that you finish and you just stare at what you've done, "....." like that.

So, as kind of a prelude... I met this guy at work and... I'm kind of impulsive, so we flirted (quite suggestively), a lot... and all that jazz.

So, I end up inviting him over, presumably to watch a movie... not quite what happened, but... um... there is something very awkward about... doing... things in your parent's basement.

So, after he had gone home... my dad kind of questioned me about what we had been doing in the basement, his intentions weren't bad or anything... but I ended up telling him what had happened.
And it didn't go over very well, and I got called a ***** (understandably, I hardly knew the guy, after all).

And I just snapped, I went back downstairs... and I really didn't even have control of what I was doing. I went in to the storage room and found a pair of scissors and then I just sat down and cut myself, and cut myself more.
I don't know how long I sat there in the creepy trance-like state cutting myself, but I ended up with over 60 cuts on my forearms.

My dad felt awful when he found out what had happened, but honestly, the knee-jerk reaction makes complete sense, him being my dad and all.
Thankfully he didn't go shoot or maim my now fiancé. ^_^; I'm sure he wanted to.

Well, I must... say that I didn't mean to kill the thread. o.o

Thanks for putting this on here, I have a new friend who does this and talks about it openly as if she was just going to the shops. I don't understand it so hopefully places like this can help me to understand, cause it's difficult to know what to say or do as someone on the outside looking in.

Thanks Doc John!! I've recently started cutting again after 8 years of not. So it's nice to have found a place where other ppl. "get me". I hope I can get get can some help here, as well as well as give some.

I started cutting when I was six. I was being severely sexually abused on a regular basis. You'd think someone would notice a little girl cutting; but they either didn't or chose not too. Sometimes I would beat myself up with a broom handle until I was bruised and swollen.
The sexual abuse stopped when I was 14 when I got shipped off to NC to live with my aunt; but the cutting continued.
When I met my partner I stopped cutting myself for almost 8 years....until recently.
The first time I needed 17 stitches, and the second time I have no recollection of it at all. That's the one that scares me. But, I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she'll have put in the hospital.

Thank you, Doc John, for creating this room.

Thank you so much for making this room, DocJohn. I needed a place where I could get help and advice...It's too scary to talk about IRL.

You obviously need so help and your therapist is the best one to do that. Going into the hospital may not be so bad--you are safe there.

Best of luck on whatever decision you make.

I'm sorry.. u where sexually abused:/ i cut still it juz helps I guess and how'd u hide ur cuts at 6? N 7th grade I got cot..

I am grateful you added this forum because this is one of the most difficult and confusing things that has ever happened in my life. I did not start cutting until I was 43.

Hi everyone! I am new here and hope that I will be accepted as a member soon. I just wanted to let you know that I too have a history of SI. I generally only resort to this behavior when I am feeling totally EMPTY-no feelings, no thoughts, no self esteem. While I do believe this behavior is not healthy it has been what has brought me back to reality and a basic sense of selfworth. In being so empty it is hard to refocuse your thoughts and direct energy towards a more positive way of self soothing
yourself. I quess one step would be to recognize that path that I'm heading towards before I reach the end and have little energy to help myself. I have much more I would like to say and share but for now this was a big step in itself for me. Thanks for being here.

I too SI. I did as a teenager and then it stopped. It returned again after starting T. I do feel ashamed by it - particularly as all the literature seems to say it is something people younger than me do (I am 45) - that makes me feel that there is something doubly wrong with me. The main trigger to it is sui thoughts - I do try and do other things, but it seems to be the only thing that calms the intensity of the thoughts down - so I guess it is serving a purpose for me at the moment.

I am older too. I started cutting my arms in high school. Then I quit on my own. I had no idea it was a symptom of anything, ie borderline. It was around age 28 I discovered BPD and that my personality traits fit with this disorder. I always thought I just had sever anxiety problems. I do not think anything is doubly wrong with us, we just want to feel better.

I'm new to this, so I was kind of hoping this was a "chat" forum, but hoping threads are read frequently as my need to injure myself (via cutting) is becoming more frequent and more damaging. I began at 11 and continued throughout my late teens, then stopped until last year. There was a trigger, but now, it seems that this has become my primary method of coping with the most significant emotional stressors. I cannot get into a counselor for another month and have 2 disabled children to care for as a single parent, so cannot seek help anywhere else. I'm just not sure what to do. With extensive apologies if this sets off any triggers, I am very ritualistic in that I prepare each time with Steri Strips and bandages in order to care for anything that may need stitches, etc.