I read a lot on here about people who are fighting hard to continue to not SI. This has never happened to me. Sometimes I have gone a considerable amount of time without doing it, but that is only because I felt that I didn't need it. It didn't fit my needs.

The only time I really try to stop is when T asks me not to. Sometimes I break the contracts, though. He asks me to at least be mindful and careful, and even to try to write about it before I feel like it is going to happen.

I never think about saying, "Okay, no more SI."

Maybe it is because others in my life have minimized it so much-- people were afraid, I think, so they detached themselves from it when I needed the most. I think, perhaps, I have picked up on that attitude because I really don't see the big deal about it.

[jacq10]

(((((pinksoil)))))
You know, I often times find myself wondering the same thing.
I think it all comes down to desire... and I mean sure, ideally, you wouldn't need to SI, but there are certainly many ways we can rationalize our behaviour.
I'm sorry to hear that others have minimized it... its one thing for us to feel that way, but sometimes I think we need to hear other people tell us that there is something wrong with the BEHAVIOUR - not us.
"I really don't see the big deal about it" thats pretty much where I stand too... but I think it gets tricky when you realise that what you're doing to SI just isn't enough... and then it gets worse, and before you know it, something that once "wasn't a big deal" becomes one... only by then, its normally too late.
I have a new theory.... and it is that: behind every action there is a POSITIVE intention. Even with Si... what is it exactly that it does for you? For myself, it gives me a sort of relief and/or comfort when i'm feeling particularly distressed. Now when I'm feeling really bad and feel the desire to SI, I try and find the positive intention behind my wanting to [at that moment] and see if there isn't something else that I could do to fill that need instead.
Sorry... i feel this is a little all over the place. I hope it helped...
hugs to you
Jacq

[deliquesce]

my pdoc and T don't see the big deal about it. of course, they would prefer that i didn't, but they don't mind that i do.

all this wanting to stop business - that's come from me. a few years ago, i was self harming every hour, just to keep going through the day. excusing myself to the bathroom during classes, so i could keep myself going on a bit longer. when it got to that stage, it became a dependency for me - something i no longer controlled, and i wanted it within my control.

so that's why i've been fighting hard to stop.

[sujunew]

pinksoil, it's kinda the same for me too- "I read a lot on here about people who are fighting hard to continue to not SI. This has never happened to me. Sometimes I have gone a considerable amount of time without doing it, but that is only because I felt that I didn't need it. It didn't fit my needs." I don't know what the longest time period is I've gone with no SI; a year or 2 I think a few years ago. I 'cycle' through it; there are times when I don't think of it at all and there are the times when it's all I think about and do. I feel a lot more guilt now though; after all the work my t and I put into CBT last year I feel like I am letting her down when I SI; and I have my daughters asking about the scars (my youngest asked me this morning in the shower what the scars on my arm are...). It's strange though- take away those 2 guilts and I would still be doing it every single day... and feeling worse and worse and more embarrassed about my scars.

[phoenix7]

My old T told me he wanted me to stop because it is addictive and can escalate into more destructive things, I cut at my wrists so he said that is dangerous because I could accidentally cut an artery.

I cut myself to ground myself when I thought I was going to lose it - but I continued until I had a scar at my wrist that I could see it there - its dumb but I thought this was the outside sign of my inside pain and while it was there ... it sort of justified my pain... hard to explain. When I wanted to cut again I would say I already have my scar while its there I dont need to cut - most of the time that worked.

Now the scar is gone and the urge is there every day, somtimes i think if i would just it and get it over with ....

[sujunew]

[quote=phoenix7;927246]I cut myself to ground myself when I thought I was going to lose it - but I continued until I had a scar at my wrist that I could see it there - its dumb but I thought this was the outside sign of my inside pain and while it was there ... it sort of justified my pain... hard to explain. When I wanted to cut again I would say I already have my scar while its there I dont need to cut - most of the time that worked. quote]

phoenix, it's great that you are so insightful. I think that this is why most ppl SI- to ground themselves and to feel physical pain for the inner turmoil that they are going thru, and the scars are the visible signs of that. I just wish that i had your resolve to look at my scars and not feel the need to create more, and I also wish that they would heal up so they can't be seen! I wish you luck in your continuing struggles with SI; it is such an achievement to be free of it (not speaking from experience tho lol).

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by sujunew

Phoenix, it's great that you are so insightful. I think that this is why most ppl SI- to ground themselves and to feel physical pain for the inner turmoil that they are going thru, and the scars are the visible signs of that. I just wish that i had your resolve to look at my scars and not feel the need to create more,

when I want to cut i picture my old T and the way he looked at me when I said I would never do it again - it was so and "yep Ive heard that before" look - I wanted to prove him wrong - I have inadvertantly si by scratching my arm till it bled but I dont count that as it wasnt deliberate.

and I also wish that they would heal up so they can't be seen! I wish you luck in your continuing struggles with SI; it is such an achievement to be free of it (not speaking from experience tho lol).

Dont think im free of it while I still have the urge - but maybe I am on my way - who knows - I hope that you get the healing you desire - and deserve P7

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I thought this was the outside sign of my inside pain and while it was there ... it sort of justified my pain....

thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for posting that. Often times I feel as though I have nothing that "justifies" or "sums up" how I'm feeling but when I look at my scars (or sometime fresh cuts....) it DOES justify my pain... as though nothing else can describe how I'm feeling. By looking at it.... its almost as though I feel OK knowing that at least some part of my is able to express how it feels - even if its just a physical representation.

Big hugs
Jacq

[Sannah]

So it becomes sort of an expression of that pain?

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So it becomes sort of an expression of that pain?

A visible sign of the internal pain -

when i injured my back the pain was really bad but i was able to 'mask' it - I looked ok so people thought I was ok - and expected me to be ok to do things - I often thought then that If I had a broken arm it would be better because people would be able to see i had an injury and would understand when I couldnt do things - this is the same... but different

The physical sign is more for me - it not only lets the pain out -but it left a scar and I could say to myself - see im still healing - im allowed to be the way I am because the cut or the scar is still there - once its gone there is no validation - I should be healed - and the pain becomes unbearable again... I think part of me also wanted people to see and acknowledge my pain - and maybe offer help - that never happened - I am good at hiding things

[jacq10]

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I find that one I have a "new" cut, the fact that my body is physically able to heal itself gives me hope that I will be able to "psychologicall" heal myself.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by jacq10

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I find that one I have a "new" cut, the fact that my body is physically able to heal itself gives me hope that I will be able to "psychologicall" heal myself.

yep, and if you are not healed when the cut is....then do you find this adds to the pain? it makes me feel like Ive failed again - that I should have been healed by the time the cut is... adds to the inner turmoil

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

yep, and if you are not healed when the cut is....then do you find this adds to the pain? it makes me feel like Ive failed again - that I should have been healed by the time the cut is... adds to the inner turmoil

yes... yes I do feel that sometimes. But there are also times when I feel healed (atm) and my cut isn't. Its times like those that help me through the bad times... I try and not put a time limit on healing as it can sometimes be so gradual you don't even realise its happening. And also, if my cut does heal... it helps me see that I AM capable of healing... even if I don't feel like I am.