[dancinglady]

Well I have reached my new way of handling my problems. Get drunk and lay in bed. Seems to be working. All calm all peaceful. Done with all of the pDoc, therapists and mental health workers. I have been in treatment for 34 years, now I will just lie. They can't help me anyway. I have personally worked really hard in my treatment, paying out of my pocket, doing all the suggestions, working the programs, walking the walk just not talking the talk. I have finally found my solution. Why was I stupid enough to keep going down the same river, with the same paddle and thinking that I was going to get a different result. That is pure insanity at its finest. I am done with all types of mental health workers and doing "the wrong thing" per them. it is working so don't really care. It is my life, my way and now I feel better. I am still alone and that is just the way it will be. Can't force, motivate or pay anyone to be my friend in person. I had a group member whose friend died. Look at my bright side, I do not have any friends so I have no one to lose if they die. Hooray.

[sideblinded]

((((dancinglady)))

Extra extra hugs for you !!! I am sending you a HUGE basket of hugs.....airmail to wherever dancing lady lives.....coming your way.

[Ruftin]

(((DL))) Group hug for you right now from all of us!!!

[Ruftin]

(((DL))) I hope your distress eases up a little bit for you today. We care about you and want you to feel better!!!!

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

Well I have reached my new way of handling my problems. Get drunk and lay in bed. .... Look at my bright side, I do not have any friends so I have no one to lose if they die. Hooray.

This sounds rather bleak - I hope you feel better when you have had a sleep and the drink wears off. Sometimes you just need a break from it all.

[Ruftin]

(((DL))) How are you today? Thinking of you!!!

[dancinglady]

Still drunk and still alone

[Dempsey64]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

Still drunk and still alone

I'm alone but not drunk! Hmmmmmm

[gayleggg]

It sounds like you have really worked, but nothing seems to have helped. I hope you find another way other than drinking as that can have bad physical and mental side effects. I can't say I blame you, though.

[dancinglady]

Yea it is either drinking or not living anymore. It has come to this. I have tried all treatments with not enough success. So this is the last thing I can do. My old body has so many physical things wrong with it, it really does not matter what the drinking will do to it. It is 3/4 dead already. If it takes the other 1/4 that is fine with me. I will die sooner and stop all the suffering.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Is this what is technically called drinking yourself to death? I very much hope not.

[Ruftin]

(((DL))) Try and remember a good time/memory in your life. Can you share it with us???

[dancinglady]

I have not had a good past to remember any good times. It has been tragedy after tragedy. I very seldom drank, did not have random sex, never did any kind of drugs. In fact since my mother was alcoholic getting pain pills when I had a back injury was almost impossible. I have tried all the "right" ways. My T talks about always being in the present stop looking at the past for anything. I do remember when I have had a better time in Ts offices but that is when they were trying to hook me into years of therapy putting their charm out front. Then they started being a T of a BPD and then the gloves came off and starting literally hitting me in the gut.

Sorry there has not been any other than these. I can only now remember how much I cried in T offices. They used to tell me to grow up. Sorry bad time.

Yes about drinking yourself to death. Knowing my luck that is not going to happen, just more suffering on and on and on and on and on and on. I am exhausted and do not have any more energy to go through another tragedy all alone.

[IowaFarmGal]

I'm sorry dancinglady. I've had some very destructive therapy. Not all therapists are equally competent. I know the weight of the years gets heavy sometimes. I wish you would give yourself a chance to find your footing without the alcohol feeding into the depression.

[dancinglady]

I wish I had other answers that worked too. I have tried all others. I am in a big metro area for 28 years and have never been able to have a friend. I could have just stayed on an Iowa farm in the middle of cornfields. It would have been better cuz then I would have a legitimate reason why I am alone. I am in a city of 2 million people.

[IowaFarmGal]

I've been in big cities too, and on a crowded east coast in Florida, in large towns and small towns. Among the cornfiels is just where I ended up about 30 years ago. One of the few good memories from my childhood. Is there somewhere else you have some roots?

[dancinglady]

I grew up in council bluffs but there is no one there anymore. I was bullied by my classmates for 13 straight years so not interested in going back for any length of time. I was not accepted there either. I am an only child so there was no family in the beginning.

[IowaFarmGal]

Kids can be cruel little assholes. I wonder how those bullies ended up. I've read they land in prison more often than the general population. Do you suppose they ever learned to be decent human beings?

[dancinglady]

No jail time. They ended up being very successful professionals. All college educated and left me broken in a million pieces and with a mental health disorder with no friends and having dreams of unsafe situations.

[IowaFarmGal]

They look all shiny on the outside, still miserable crap on the inside though. I've met a bunch like that in the work place, very often the triggers that get me fired. All sweetness and light to the people they have something to gain from treat everyone else light ****.

[dancinglady]

Look who keeps suffering - YOU what are the therapists probably say to you. Bad person you can't let them effect you. You are responsible for your reactions. That is what they say to me. Instead of beating us down they need to go after the bullies but the mental health workers are "chicken" they never go after the bullies and get them to change their behavior. Ugh ugh

[IowaFarmGal]

They can't do anything about the bullies in our lives unless it's extreme to the point of getting police involved. My T doesn't put me down though, she is supportive. She tells me that people have limits of what they can tolerate and I'm doing the best that I can with what I have to deal with. She will help me make difficult phone calls or help me with practical things I'm struggling with. There are some decent T's out there, just sometimes they're hard to find.

[dancinglady]

I had one of those and he "fired" me. I have never been able to find another one like him.

[IowaFarmGal]

I hope that doesn't happen this time. I had one that stuck to a schedule of how long it should take. He was suddenly angry with me and I didn't understand why. I'm sorry, I know that's a painful thing.

[marmaduke]

Oh dancing lady
Big hugs.
I'm hoping you'er feeling a little better.
You say you've tried lots of therapy, I assume you've tried anti depressants too?
You are an only child of an alcoholic mother. You have had one tough life. To have fought and tried so hard, I can understand why you feel exhausted with it all.
You do have a fighting spirit tho. So get drunk spent some time in bed. Sometimes we need duvet time, to sleep and to shut out the world.
Dont give up, dancing lady, just have a rest till you are ready give it one more go.
Brave lady. Love to you.