[BettyA]

I need some encouraging advice. Try to keep it brief and to the point so I won't drag it on...
I am having to come to terms (not doing a very good job of it) with the fact that I am simply not that important in my daughter's life anymore. I don't ask for much, and I try to keep on the positive side when I am with her... I simply can't discuss any illness I've been through (which included Emergency last wk) because all I get is lectures about 'you should have done this, eaten this, been this certain way, etc etc etc) ... And most of our communication is done by what I am disliking more every day: TEXTING... I have asked a number of times if she could just give me a short call once in awhile...oh MY but that would mean so much. She is very busy in her life, I know... LIke maybe about 4 years ago or so, we used to always talk on the phone. She and her grown daughters and I would get together at least once every two weeks at some café or coffee house.
Even my therapist says this is simply the way things are, sometimes, as we grow older... elders usually 'slip in our importance ratings'... and I just want to know how others have dealt with it. I am going through Depression (hopefully start on new meds this week) and sometimes its just all so unbearable. I want to keep my spirits up when I DO actually communicate with her. Anyway, if anyone else has gone through something similar could you share it with me and how you 'helped yourself'... I really want to do that. (Thank you )

[baseline]

Dear Betty, As a daughter and a mother I can see both sides. First, I would like to empathize with you because it does hurt to be forgotten. Texts are ok but they don't take the place of a voice or a person. It shouldn't be the way things are. In many cultures the elderly are respected and cared for. You sound like a reasonable and independent person and you deserve to be a priority. Your daughter is lucky to have such an understanding mother. It is sad your daughter doesn't realize she will be in your shoes someday and her daughters will mirror her example. I tell my kids to make sure to call their grandparents and just let them know they are loved and thought of. big hugs you sound like an awesome mom.

[Gus1234U]

sometimes a person just has to 'bite the bullet' and accept that reality is not very pleasant.
i like to find alternatives to 'doing without', and constantly hurting over neglect and feeling unwanted.
make friends with new people, younger people, MUCH younger people, who call you to see what you think, how you are feeling, what has happened in your life. i know they are out there. and having a goal to work towards is its own reward.

best wishes~!



"the ocean refuses no river"

[here today]

Hi Betty,

I've had to come to terms with the same thing. Very painful and not easy. But once you do come to terms with it -- well, I finally got very clear that nothing was going to change the fact that I love her. In fact, dealing with the pain made it very clear how much I do love her no matter how she feels about me. So that's been a good thing for me. And eventually has helped our relationship some, though a lot of that is up to what my grown daughter wants.

I'm 69 and my daughter is just 40 with young children still at home. So I wonder a bit if maybe your daughter, with grown children, may be starting to feel some of the issues of impending aging herself? Just an idea. Maybe you can continue to "light the way" for her about his largely unspoken - about period of life? If she seems open and wants it.

[BettyA]

[ I think you could be right...thank you for shedding a 'new light' on something I had no considered before. I always think 51...that's just a baby!! but no, not to the person themselves. Thanks, again.

[eskielover]

I left my H 9 years ago. Always thought my daughter was daddy's girl though growibg up she would always call me for anything she needed or needed to know.

My depression & suicide attempts were horrible when she was a senior in high school. She went to junior college & moved out as soon as she could (dont blame her one bit). Then she moved from Calif to Co & started her life there.

No money to visit her, got to see her when she got to Ca & the times at the end of my mom's life....hwr grandma that she was VERY attached to as my parents cared for her from the time she was born so I could finish my degree & have my computer engineering career.

We never were really close but interesting looking back now My parents never emotionally connected with me & my H had no idea what being emotionally connected was either....so Im sure my daughter didnt get it any more than I did.

My daughter HATES to talk on the phone & will ONLY text....but she has been texting me more in the last 9 years. She lives with her BF & he has 2 kids that she has been like a mom to, so I have been supporting all their activities & sending gifts & helping fund parties within my limited income ability. Interesting as I guess her dad doesnt help her at all... but he has alwYs been so financially irresponsible. He has more $ income than I but irresponsible spending...(one serious reason I left him among 100's of other reasons.

I honestly have no problem with my daughter texting me. I would rather have her feel comfortable to text me than for her to feel pressure to call that she hates & never communicate with me. She learned bad financial things from us growing up. When we had a 2 engineering income, the use of credit was normal & that was what she learned though she never had the kind of income that allowed her to get away with it. I cleaned up our finances before getting into our 2nd house but after I got sick with depression after the aerospace industry crashed & my career ended & I was so messed up that my H took over the finances & totally destroyed us....I just walked away from it all after my mom died.

I had no idea how my daughter felt about it all or me ir my H at that point, so Im really thankful to have the relationship that we do have now.

I moved from Ca to Ky to live alone on my little 10 acre farm. I have actually (even through texting) apologized to her for the way things were & we have sorted through the past between the 2 of us. I refused to say anything bad to her about her dad just the facts on things he has done since I left but no opinions about him. My relationship with her is just that, between her & me.

Its what is working well now & I am more thsn happy that we have any kind of relationship after everything we went through & what I put her through her senior year of HS.

[winter4me]

I notice that, when I am missing hearing from my grown children, I am also just, in general feeling lonely, a bit forgotten, and sad in general...
So, I love them, they know that, I try to remind myself that that is what counts.
it is something my brother and I did not know about our parents...they fed, and clothed us while we grew up...but love, affection...recognition of us a individuals...no
I also remember that, at their age, my concerns were very close to my daily life/work/home....their love will be spent well on their own children...
Getting older is a process of loss, although there are gains to be had...very hard for me to admit that some dreams have to be let go of...that the past is immutable, that there isn't time for 'everything'........and choosing is not a strong point for me, I have gone along taking things as they come with intermittent goals...now, to find a few things I can to to fill and expand my sense of time, worth, ...creativity.

[winter4me]

...and I had been 'spoiled' by having time with my grandson, and son for several years every weekend before I sold my house...now it all has to be planned....etc