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Default Oct 22, 2021 at 11:10 PM
  #1
How do you handle an elderly parent who is so negative about everything? All my life we have had a strained relationship mainly because of some of her behaviors. Being spiteful, immature, having to be the center of attention all the time and very controlling. As she has gotten older these behaviors have gotten worse. I bite my tongue and try to gently calm her down and get her to see their are others involved. Sometimes that works, sometimes not. She doesn't want to leave the house and wants her boyfriend to stay there as well. He likes getting out and seeing people and it makes her crazy.
Maybe I'm just overly sensitive right now because Dad's suicide date is coming up and I don't want to lose another parent. She is not suicidal. But she would cut off communicating with me for spite over about anything that doesn't go her way. *sigh*

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Default Oct 23, 2021 at 07:08 PM
  #2
Hey, Trace. My mother was narcissistic, so I can relate.. But, thank God, my sister lived close by and helped with her care. Honestly, you might get a book on dealing with two-year-olds and apply some of those principles. Of course, don't talk down to her, though.

She needs to be given lots of choices, so she can feel like she's in control. Can she not talk to her boyfriend about his getting out and about? They sound incompatible to me. Let's hope he leaves her.

You might also find it helpful to have regular appointments with a therapist who can support you and be willing to give you guidance.

My thoughts and sympathy are with you. Feel free to vent here, too!
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Default Oct 23, 2021 at 08:44 PM
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Oh they have been together for 40+years and really I don't think she could make it without him. They both are a hot mess. I feel sorry for him at times. I know how she is and he has to deal with it 24/7. But they work it out some how. If I get involved taking up for mom then it ends up working against me, so I just stay out of it. Being an only child is hard at this point in life. I bend over backwards to keep her happy. She's pretty much home bound, by her choice, and I think this is why she wants the BF to stay around also. When he's out he calls and checks on her and usually brings her lunch or dinner. But then she tells me he worries her to death about having sex. No daughter wants to hear about their mother's sex life.
You are right she has to be in control and she can't control the BF when he is out working somewhere. I haven't been on vacation for years because when I talk about going she starts guilt tripping me over leaving my dog. I am with him pretty much 24/7 and I don't the house leave much either. I injured both knees a couple months ago and getting out is even more difficult than it was before. Because I don't get out I send monthly clothes, house hold supplies, cookies, other snacks, shoes, or anything I think would make her happy and her life easier. Just a heavy load to carry sometimes.

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Default Oct 23, 2021 at 08:51 PM
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Funny you mentioned seeing the therapist. Out of the blue her office called to set up 3 video appointments, last Friday.

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Default Nov 22, 2021 at 07:22 AM
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Trace14, I can relate to what you are saying. Firstly, very sorry to hear that your father took his own life.

My mother is same age as yours and you could well be talking about her. I've had to deal with this type of behaviour for much of my life. My brother is the golden child because he produced her only grandchild. I've given up trying to please her and decided that at my age, I want less hassle.

All came to a head in April, when I told her I wouldn't be helping her in future because of her attitude. The reason well documented in another part of this forum. I distanced myself and of course, that inflamed situation even more. I'm cruel, uncaring, selfish and any other adjective she could find. Just starting to re-form some type of relationship. She tried to accuse me of something at weekend but she'd got it wrong. The apology was a surprise. Am also finding out that my brother and sister-in-law don't get the food she wants but rather than tell them, she moans to me.

Got into a relationship with neighbour, who treated her really badly. She'd cook and shop for him, then when he developed alcohol related dementia, she got involved with his care. Of course, that ended in tears when his son said something she didn't like. I could see all this but was branded a hateful fantasist.

Sadly, the situation you are experiencing will never change. It's time to take care of yourself. The guilt will ease. Please don't allow yourself to subjected to these feelings by other people. My aunt tried it recently with me and got her answer, politely of course!

Take care and as another contributor said, feel free to vent any time. The road you are travelling has plenty of traffic!
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Default Jan 13, 2022 at 12:36 AM
  #6
Just recently found out mom has pre Leukemia. This may have something to do with some of her behavior.

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Default Jan 13, 2022 at 05:07 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that. Let's hope the doctors can make it "post-leukemia." I know some disorders can lead to confusion in older people. I'll try to find a list I saw recently and post it here.
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Default Jan 14, 2022 at 10:35 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that. Whilst dealing with your mother's diagnosed medical issues, please look after yourself.

As my doctor said to me almost two years ago, you must take care of yourself. I'm your GP and it's your health I'm looking after, not your mother's. This may seem harsh but he was right.

Offer as much support as you are able. Avoid the guilt feelings because she is ill. Maybe you can work something out with her boyfriend over support and using outside agencies where possible.

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Default Feb 19, 2022 at 09:49 PM
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I know don't know what to think anymore. Mom's blood results are still terrible. Now the doctor saying she has multiple myeloma and some type of autoimmune disease. She's still in pretty good spirits for the most part, though those negative sides of her seem to be getting worse. She just turned 87, and the doctors have lot's of appointments to go to. I expect she will stop going and or stop the medications. She doesn't like not having control and someone telling her what to do. Her getting so sick has brought up a lot of childhood emotions and I'm afraid if I try to talk to her about them she will get mad and not talk to me anymore. Then something would happen and that would be a lot of guilt to carry.

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Default Feb 20, 2022 at 05:28 AM
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I understand how you feel. My mother has some kind of disorder too- lupus, I believe. But, she does not want to go to the doctor to be diagnosed. My brother is not really pushing her either to see a doctor. My mother is 87 and has always been in control. I wanted to see her again before she forgets about me. She says things that hurt me still. She said she would help me then reneged. So, I was stupid to believe her and quit my job to go home. Now, I am looking for another job. I forgive her though since I believe she is sick. Your mother sounds similar to mine. I still stand by my mother and would drop everything to see her again. I miss her although she hurts me still. I hope you and your mother continue to support each other. I wish I could be there for my mom too. I wish I could see her again. You are doing a great job with your mom. I know the past negativities are hard to accept and get over. But, she is your mom and no one will replace her.
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Default Feb 20, 2022 at 09:05 PM
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I'm wondering if she is really aware of how sick she is and how she needs to get things in order. When we talk on the phone she never mentions the sickness, and rarely her doctors appointments. She's stopped sending me birthday cards, Christmas cards, etc. and that was something she always took joy and pride in doing. She loved to send cards. I feel like I'm losing her without her being gone.

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Default Feb 22, 2022 at 08:13 PM
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She could be denying the extent of her illness. Or her dementia keeps her from being aware of how sick he is. Please know it might be her brain damage due to old age that has rejected you. She wouldn't have if she'd been in her right mind.
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Default Feb 23, 2022 at 04:25 PM
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Well mom and I have had a complex relationship since I can remember. Seems it's getting worse since she has gotten sick. She's a very spiteful person if you don't do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants she gets angry. She usually shows her disapproval by withholding love and attention. Through the years I have set boundaries with her to protect myself. But now I don't know if that's a good idea. What if she stops talking to me then passes away? I'm just walking on egg shells with her and her boyfriend.

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Default Feb 24, 2022 at 03:35 PM
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Trace, she sounds like my mother. I chose to limit my time with her, even making sure to not live close to her. But my sister looked after her. She and I were by her bedside when she died, holding her hands. I don't regret that.
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