[UpInTheTrees]

I have written a bit on these other threads. I decided to start my own as a way to vent and get it out and help.

I feel embarassed and uncomfortable to talk about this with my family and friends. I have a therapist who is helping me go through the thinking process and emotions behind the porn. I liked an article that someone else mentioned, it has to do with acceptance and not beating yourself up on it. Being understanding and non-judgemental.

I went online to endulge yesterday and today. I think it's because I can't think of other ways to preoccupy my time and I get depressed. This seems like the easier thing to do and it gives me gratification. However, I end up feeling worse and more depressed.

Emotions are getting to me. I also have bi-polar so it adds another variable to the mix. So far joining this blog, I felt good to voice my struggles and such. When, I didn't see any feedback, I felt sad and switched back to my coping behavior of porn. Right now, it hasn't been a major problem of preventing me from other activities, but it has in the past. It's my retreat or escape from social anixety and responsibility.

I feel that baby steps can help me and also not being hard on myself. I see that alot in me. I just came out of a manic epsiode and am living at home which really bites and I feel alone and isolated at my home often. Instead of trying to go out I just nap or look at porn recently for more than I'd like too.

I am hoping to break that cycle in the next few weeks. I would like to reach out to my friends and loved ones about my vunerabilities. I would also like to spend more time looking at my emotions. I feel right now in my state of mind, life sucks because all I tend to do is think about this addiction and being bi-polar. There seems to be nothing else going on.

I notice I burn out when I have a bit of energy and then just use it all on getting out and socializing that I get tired and sad when the high is gone, and revert to oversleeping and porn as coping skills.

I spoke to my therapist and we've been discussing identifying emotions. I belief my situation involves my difficulty to sit with my emotions, especially when they are sad. I feel an uncertainty of how to help me feel better by doing other things or speaking about it. The certainty is the instant gratification of the porn or the passing of time with the sleep. I feel I don't want this anymore, but at the same time I feel scared to reach out to friends or other activities to help cope. I know where this stems from, its an all or nothing mentality I have with things. I have difficulty starting or engaging slowly. I have to be into it or not. This is a trait I notice in myself. I hope to work through it. My emotions and friends are my biggest fear. I fear they would understand me or they'll disappoint me or I'll disappoint them. I feel I've put up a front with many of them and now I don't know how to relate or come across to them at my lowest points, I am a bundle of so many emotions, that I want to unload at anyone that starts to listen. I don't even to the emotions, they are all jumbled, highs and lows. High ones for thinking and trying and understanding what I am going through, low ones for my sorrow, isolation, and inability to work through my emotions and work through feeling satisfied and honest and understood by them. I am terrified to call my friends when I'm feeling low, and when I do I cover it up. Then I don't feel I was true to myself and got what I needed. Support. I don't even know how to ask or what to say.

So in my lowest feelings, I turn to the porn for relief and the idea that I am not judged. There is not one judging me or misunderstanding me with that, which is why I do it. Plus the feeling or instant gratification is there and constant. thats why I do it. Blah....

I'll stop here, but I'll be writing more and more and more.

-Ele

[BigBeautifulBipolar]

There is no reason to beat yourself up about this and it does not make you a bad person!! I dont have much time at the moment but wanted to say that! TTYL _hugs_

[evaone]

I understand but have you tried reaching out? specially your family i'm sure they will understand you. if you live in fear you will stay in that way. be strong my man.you're not the only person suffering this addiction in the world. be focus and self determination will also helped. Good luck!