[Julie Garbs]

me and my husband have lived together for 1 year. we'd never faced any problems before marriage, though we hadn’t lived together then, we had sexual relations and both enjoyed them. We had also been friends for about 6 years. After marriage I faced with the fact that he doesn’t want to have sex every night, but rather once or maximum twice a week. he didn’t go to bed with me, just sat there with his computer in the other room, saying he had to work. I begged for attention, but every time we eventually got to sex his face was impressing only unwillingness to make love, as if he was waiting for the end. He told me he didnt feel relaxed and mentally satisfied. I never said 'no' to him, every time he wanted sex (even though it happened quite rarely). We tried a lot of new stuff - role games,positions,****,etc. to color our sexual life, but he seemed to be bored anyway. Then I noticed he watches porn quite often. Then I found videos of him filming my girlfriends pissing in a toilet. Then I found photos of somebody’s panties. Then it was movies about underwear fetish. Then I realized that we always had sex only if I had fancy/strange underwear or costumes. Now he realized what he prefers. he is all into porno movies with fetish. He can’t work properly; he behaves with me as if I was his best friend. We don’t have sex, despite the fact I ask for it, but I want to make love without fetish. I want to be loved. I am in deep depression now. I don’t want to live.I don’t respect myself for asking for attention, I hate my appearance, as I don’t look attractive to my husband, I dont want to work, I cant work obviously... Then he told me that he was raped when he was 13. He suffered a lot at first, but now he doesn’t seem to care about this fact. After that he started enjoying watching other people through the windows at night.
We tried to go the psychologist. But it didn’t help, because he didn’t want to speak about this. The doctor used hypnosis which obviously didnt help. So, he is still doing this... downloading, loading fetish porn into social networks, he created a group in such of those for those who likes fetish.
He knows he can lose me, but doesn want to change anything. He is all into downloading and watching these movies now. Every time I find something at our computer, I start really shaking badly from nerves, crying. I am obsessed in looking for stuff in his PC. I see him watching porn and sites, pictures and it drives me mad.
Every time I call him when he is home online and I am at work, he speaks to me like to an enemy. He changes, as if it was another person.

But I love him. He is a wonderful man, talanted architect, smart and kind, he loves kids and helps all the people he knows. Every one adores him, including all my friends and my parents. I cant tell anyone, i dont want to spoil his life or career, so I try to look fine and everyone thinks everything's fine. I wouldnt be able to explain anything to all those who love him what happened if we get divorced. And I cant think of living without him anyway. I need him as a breath. I'd never loved anyone that much before, even though i had many relationships in my life. I know, that he loves me too, I can see it from other things. but he seems to be addicted. We always argue, I cry and he cant see me crying and depressed. I always think of suicide. Belief in God is the thing that stops me. But I cant live like that, i feel like i cant make it any more... I dont sleep well, I dont eat properly, i dont want to see anyone and I cant work. I feel destroyed. Sometimes I cant even look at him, sometimes I dont want to come home and see his work place and computer, I dont want to talk to him or touch him, but sometimes I look at him and realize that my love is higher, i love him and hate him. We must win, I want to believe we can go through this together and save our relationship... Is it? how should I behave? What shall i do?

[ponder1973]

Hi Julie,

I'm a sex addict and I've put my wife through similar pain. I would strongly advise you to seek out S-Anon and talk to them. Every member of S-Anon has been through something like you are going through and they understand. They can help you.

[tjc98]

Hi Julie,
I know how you feel, my story is somewhat similar but my husband cheated on me and we have been together for 15 years. I feel the exact same way. You are a very strong person, you can make it thru this you just need to believe in yourself.