[justalittleunwell]

I am new to this site and have never posted in a forum before but I need help and know of nowhere else to turn. I will try to keep this simple, however there are a lot of issues that play into this.
My fiance and I have been together for three years (high school sweethearts that came back together in our mid 30s). His background; two time cancer survivor, lost a testicle, unable to have children, due to testosterone levels he has difficulty achieving and maintaining an errection, recovering alcoholic and drug addict, low self esteem, add/adhd, very outgoing and well liked. My background; cancer survivor, divorced (due to ex having serious affair), two children, bipolar, eating disorder, low self esteem, poor body image, self injury history, people pleaser.
We have seen each other through many difficult times and have always felt that we have a rare type of love, easily communicate about difficult issues (usually), find beauty and romance in simple things like watching fireflies and hearing the kids laugh...idk just the kind of love that makes you know it was meant to last forever. He is my rock as I am his.
When we first started dating three years ago our sex life was amazing, as is probably every new couple's. I have very limited experience as I was married at a very young age. He has traveled the world as a professional athlete and (though he denies) I believe that his experience runs deep. I have done things in the bedroom with him that I never would have imagined doing and, at times, have felt uncomfortable with but do anyway because I want to please him. I learned fairly early on that he enjoyed internet porn. At first I was bothered by it but let it go because I did not know the extent of it. As time went by I would learn that he had a full blown addiction to it. I have repeatedly asked him to stop and have always gotten the same empty promises.
Lately it has become a major issue in our relationship. I am constantly at battle with my eating disorder and, reasonably I think, feel that these other women are more attractive to him and meet his needs and desires better than I do. Our sex life has become nonexisistant. Partly because he just shows no interest at all, partly because I can't get past his addiction, partly because I gave up trying (after finally working up the courage to try) because of rejection. Due to his medical history there have been very few times that I am able to fully satisfy him (self esteem really takes a hit) though when we rarely do have sex he is such an amazing and attentive lover. He had a bottle of Cialis once that I was devastated and permenently damaged to find empty (all but one pill used for us the rest for his internet affairs). I have found that when I am getting undressed or out of the shower he doesn't even look anymore.
I have tried everything from putting blocks on the computer to limiting access on his cellphone. He always finds a way around it. I bought him a very expensive iPod touch that he never downloaded a single song to, has only been using it for porn. When I get my hands on his phone or iPod the history is full with nothing but porn. He escapes to the bathroom for often hours at a time.
The other night, for some reason, when I saw his phone history it just sent me over the edge. I sat down and very painfully but clearly wrote him a seven page letter explaining what this is doing to me, to us. He read the letter in front of me, sat quietly for five minutes then got up and walked away! I asked him if he had ANY response and he said he had to think about how to respond. That was two days ago. I just asked him again tonight and he told me that he needed to get some sleep. I feel like he figures if he puts it off long enough I will forget about it.
I am truly very deeply in love with this man, with the person that I know he is. I want to make this work! But my own physical and mental health are hurting pretty bad as a result of this. My eating disorder is in full swing, my depression is so dark and today I went back to burning myself.
I'm sorry that I have drug this out. If you are still reading this, thank you. I need help! I don't know what to do. I want to keep our relationship intact but am starting to realize that I have become "the other woman" and that is what ended my 12 year marriage to my ex. Please help me!

[ponder1973]

Hi justalittleunwell,

Your story sounds like my early marriage. I am the sex addict though and you are where my wife was. I spent long hours in the bathroom looking at porn on a laptop and finding any and every way to get more. My wife had many long conversations with me and wrote many letters where I responded in similar fashion. I had nothing to say to her, she was "just jealous and insecure".

You need to realize you can't control him. You are not able to change him. The only thing that will make him want to change is when he gets to the point his addiction is causing him more pain than it is relieving.

Neither of you are emotionally healthy enough for a relationship right now. Just so you don't feel judged, I'm not either. Maybe a break from him is in order? Perhaps call off the wedding? Those things are up to you though. I know you love him, but he is hurting you more than he is helping you right now. It's hard to be alone but is being alone worse than being emotionally abused?

For real help, I would recommend getting in touch with S-Anon. It is a group for the wives and loved ones of sex addicts. They have all been where you are to some degree or another, they understand exactly how you feel and know far better than I do how to help you.

The odds are against him giving up pornography in the near future. If you separate from him, he will try to lie to you and lure you back in with false promises. I'm not sure how you can tell whether he's being honest with you or not, but don't believe him just because you want to believe him. Addicts are liars at our core.

[hamster-bamster]

Oh my goodness, how hard it is! Eating disorder, cancer survivorship, depression, hurting self. Having a partner who at such a young age needs Cialis. That alone requires courage and patience from you. I am sure you could find a partner who could get it up with you without Cialis. I would probably pose to him the following: fine, he likes more voluptuous women and it is OK with you but you also need your sex life and unlike him, you are ***not*** interested in silly online porn, you need real flesh. So change the status of the relationship to an open one, and let us see what he has to say. Maybe it will elicit a speedier reaction than the multi-page pleas. And stop trying to limit his access to porn - it is his computer, his tech toys, he decides how to use them. You would not like it if he limited your access to this forum, would you? Same thing. Personal autonomy.

You do not have to be ready to jump in someone else's bed - just to switch the relationship status to (potentially) open. And I agree with the previous poster that the wedding should be postponed or called off. Good luck, I am sure it is tough as hell!

[shortandcute]

sex addictions contributed greatly to my divorce from my 1st husband. I was my husband's "first," (I took his virginity) but he was already addicted to porn. Which is the reason he married me---I had been a full-blown sex-addict (when I was acting out, I had sex with everyone-literally, and liked to experiment) and had already been sexually abused by different men, so he figured he could just act his fantasies out on me without any repocussions. One problem with that was he had rape fantasies. So he would start fights with me to have an excuse to beat the tar out of me, then force me to have sex. I eventaully picked up bar-hopping and cheated on him like crazy. Well, needless to say, we are no more.

But, anyway, I don't see any reason for you to stay with him.

p.s. trust me, if you marry him, you will end up more alone than you are rite now. It's easier to be alone from the start than to start something that will have a painful ending, and your ending up alone anyway.