[SweepingDawn]

I can't believe I'm posting about this or living it either. I'm in mi mid30s and have been dating a man for more than a year. We were friends for years before dating. Before we got together, he told me he had certain interests as far as pornography and fantasy and role play. He said he knew I would ot share those interests and that he did not want me to, but he wanted me to know about them. I was a little weirded out, but it seemed like they developed out of sexualizing some important emotional needs and I understood that. He knows I'm very vanilla sexually and that I don't agree with porn watching as a sexual outlet, especially not while involved with me. He said this particular thing had been important as an aspect of emotional need and sexuality for him. He loved me though and felt that maybe the emotional and sexual climate of our relationship could meet the needs this type of porn, fantasy, and masturbation had met for him. The relationship does meet those needs to an extent, but as is so often the case, it does not provide the specific context or intensity this other stuff does for him. He finally fessed up to that and said he still sought those things out on line and fantasized about them during sex with me. I thought "sex addiction" and maybe he'll want to try and get help. He wound up telling me that he didn't think it was a problem other than because I was uncomfortable and that we would have to decide basically if I could understand that this other stuff didn't take away from what he needs and has with me. Its just different needs that he can only meet in this particular way. To me, that says sex addiction/porn addiction. I said I couldn't make space for sharing him with this. Its something that weirds me out (not child porn or anything illegal, but just weird to me) and I think monogamy means he can get his needs met within our relationship. I feel like he's basically said "I choose this over you, a real person that I claim to love so much and who's been friend and lover to me the way no one else ever has." I can't live that way. I'm not okay with porn, with something being that much of a need, or with it being in bed with me in his mind. Is this sex addiction? I'm devastated by the loss of the relationship as he is wonderful in so many ways. I'm angry at him and at this thing that seems to have so much power and to be bigger and stronger than me. I've told him I can't do this and now I have to grieve and deal with feeling weirded out and dirty because this has been a part of our relationship. He kept it from me for a long time that he was still involved with it and I could tell he was distancing himself out of guilt. Its horrible. I feel like I'm so messed up by the loss of the relationship and the reason for the end off it. But I can't be with someone knowing they've got an ongoing other thing. I feel traumatized. I'm seeing a therapist and will do all I can to heal, but I think this is going to have me very screwed up for a long time. How can you let go of someone you love to keep something that can't love you back and then not think you have a problem? I know its hardwiring and that I couldn't be "enough" due to the need for intensity and context. I don't blame myself. I'm just so very sad about this.

[Trippin2.0]

Personally I believe other peoples thoughts are none of my business. My bf looking at porn has nothing to do with me, it has no bearing on my worth as a woman or partner. If looking at Jessica Alba makes him revved up, then I say GO JESSICA ALBA! you know why? COZ I GET THE GO0DS nobody else, certainly N0T Jessica Alba! Men like to be visually stimulated, and I don't have the time or inclination to prance around naked all day... From your post, I honestly don't see his fetish as a problem or addiction. It didn't interfere with his life, or cause any impairment to him, it simply increased his excitement... probably to your benefit. The problem lies in that it upsets you. You want to be his fantasy and reality, you want to be 'enough', You are weirded out by it, you cannot accept porn within a relationship and you cannot separate his fantasy from his love for you. And that's ok, there's nothing wrong with you either, it just means the 2 of you aren't compatable, as you stated, you are sexually vanilla.... Just like he could never expect you to become sexually multi-flavoured, or whatever, you can't expect him to become vanilla. He was atleast respecting you by keeping his 'flavour' in his head. THAT says ALOT about this man's character... He didn't try to coerce you to the 'flavour-filled' side, and he didn't engage in his fetish with another partner.... (btw an addict would have)... I suggest that if you CANNOT accept that he fantasizes about other "weird" things, that you make sure your future bf is vanilla too...
.
This is why I say 100% honesty can ruin a good relationship. If he didn't tell you, you wouldn't have been weirded out, and wouldn't have felt like you were competing with a fantasy... Staying silent wouldn't have hurt anybody. I'm sorry you ended a good relationship over this.

[RoamingMind]

Originally Posted by SweepingDawn

I can't believe I'm posting about this or living it either. I'm in mi mid30s and have been dating a man for more than a year. We were friends for years before dating. Before we got together, he told me he had certain interests as far as pornography and fantasy and role play. He said he knew I would ot share those interests and that he did not want me to, but he wanted me to know about them. I was a little weirded out, but it seemed like they developed out of sexualizing some important emotional needs and I understood that. He knows I'm very vanilla sexually and that I don't agree with porn watching as a sexual outlet, especially not while involved with me. He said this particular thing had been important as an aspect of emotional need and sexuality for him. He loved me though and felt that maybe the emotional and sexual climate of our relationship could meet the needs this type of porn, fantasy, and masturbation had met for him. The relationship does meet those needs to an extent, but as is so often the case, it does not provide the specific context or intensity this other stuff does for him. He finally fessed up to that and said he still sought those things out on line and fantasized about them during sex with me. I thought "sex addiction" and maybe he'll want to try and get help. He wound up telling me that he didn't think it was a problem other than because I was uncomfortable and that we would have to decide basically if I could understand that this other stuff didn't take away from what he needs and has with me. Its just different needs that he can only meet in this particular way. To me, that says sex addiction/porn addiction. I said I couldn't make space for sharing him with this. Its something that weirds me out (not child porn or anything illegal, but just weird to me) and I think monogamy means he can get his needs met within our relationship. I feel like he's basically said "I choose this over you, a real person that I claim to love so much and who's been friend and lover to me the way no one else ever has." I can't live that way. I'm not okay with porn, with something being that much of a need, or with it being in bed with me in his mind. Is this sex addiction? I'm devastated by the loss of the relationship as he is wonderful in so many ways. I'm angry at him and at this thing that seems to have so much power and to be bigger and stronger than me. I've told him I can't do this and now I have to grieve and deal with feeling weirded out and dirty because this has been a part of our relationship. He kept it from me for a long time that he was still involved with it and I could tell he was distancing himself out of guilt. Its horrible. I feel like I'm so messed up by the loss of the relationship and the reason for the end off it. But I can't be with someone knowing they've got an ongoing other thing. I feel traumatized. I'm seeing a therapist and will do all I can to heal, but I think this is going to have me very screwed up for a long time. How can you let go of someone you love to keep something that can't love you back and then not think you have a problem? I know its hardwiring and that I couldn't be "enough" due to the need for intensity and context. I don't blame myself. I'm just so very sad about this.

I really don't know if I'm in the least bit qualified to even touch on this issue but.....

Have you thought about trying to be a little less vanilla?
What exactly weirds you out about porn, is there a reason or something
that makes you not feel sexually comfortable?

I know those questions sound harsh, and that's not my intent. But
as you said you liked having him in your life.

[hamster-bamster]

Don't end anything impulsively, you may regret it. Cool down and think. He has clearly been very good to you in many ways.

[ponder1973]

SweepingDawn,

I am a sex addict trying to get into recovery. He did something wrong in hiding that he was still engaged with his sexual fetish from you and bringing it into the bedroom with you mentally. One of the signs of sex addiction is not being able to orgasm without the fantasy playing in your head. I'm not saying for sure he is an addict, but I think he is. I have a tendency to diagnose that too easily to make myself feel more normal though so take it for what it's worth.

There is a support group called S-Anon that would help you a great deal. They have a very straightforward program that deals with healing from the damage a relationship with a sex addict causes and getting over the "I wasn't enough" feelings. The program also addresses any personality factors you may have that attract sex addicts to you or attracts you to them. You are fortunate and wise to have gotten out of the relationship when you did. Kudos for him for coming clean and letting you make an informed choice.

I believe that sexual activity, including pornography, outside of a committed marriage is always damaging. I've obviously crossed my own beliefs being a sex addict. I don't condemn or judge people who believe differently than I do. I know there's no way they can understand the road I walked to reach my conclusion. People may be upset with me for this post but it's my opinion. I respect yours, respect mine please.

[SweepingDawn]

Thank you, Ponder. I'll look into this group. Maybe they have on line support, too. I sure could use it. I can't exactly talk with loved ones about the specifics of why the relationship is falling apart.

I know that some people think looking at porn is fine in a relationship. This is a specific type of porn and he needs the fantasies and scenes related to this particular interest to fully enjoy sex with me, even if its just him fantasizing about it. These are not things I could play out the way he needs, though I have been submissive and vulnerable in less extreme ways. He's all about consent and isn't about causing people pain as much as needing a certain sort of scenario to feel nurturing and powerful. He has that with me, just not in the context that works best for him. I see the intensity need as concerning.

He was right to be honest with me. It was bothering him and causing a wall between us because he didn't feel right about deceiving me and keeping this from me. He knew telling me would upset me and could lead to the end of our relationship. I'm very appreciative of his honesty. I deserved to know.

Someone said that I should be glad it was "just porn and fantasy." But what if that changed? What if he needed more and more stimuli and someone to act out these things with? What if porn and masturbating to this eventually became more important than wanting to actually be with me? Its hard to imagine because he's not a casual sex guy, but the other thing is that these things can progress. I don't think he would cheat on me, but what if he left me to find someone who would be this way with him, willing to role play the scenes he wants? Those are possibilities. I see how we could grow resentful of each other. Him because he can't talk with me openly about this and me because I would know he's viewing and fantasizing and masturbating, even if I didn't always know when. It just can't work and its so sad.

I'm reading and educating myself about what he's into to try and understand, but understanding doesn't mean I can be okay with it in my life.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you are being careful and thoughtful, not impulsive, in considering the end of this relationship.

[Trippin2.0]

I agree, you are putting alot of thought into your decision. It's good to know exactly what your deal breakers are so that you don't wear yourself out trying to compromise where there is barely middleground.

[kirbydog156]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Personally I believe other peoples thoughts are none of my business. My bf looking at porn has nothing to do with me, it has no bearing on my worth as a woman or partner. If looking at Jessica Alba makes him revved up, then I say GO JESSICA ALBA! you know why? COZ I GET THE GO0DS nobody else, certainly N0T Jessica Alba! Men like to be visually stimulated, and I don't have the time or inclination to prance around naked all day... From your post, I honestly don't see his fetish as a problem or addiction. It didn't interfere with his life, or cause any impairment to him, it simply increased his excitement... probably to your benefit. The problem lies in that it upsets you. You want to be his fantasy and reality, you want to be 'enough', You are weirded out by it, you cannot accept porn within a relationship and you cannot separate his fantasy from his love for you. And that's ok, there's nothing wrong with you either, it just means the 2 of you aren't compatable, as you stated, you are sexually vanilla.... Just like he could never expect you to become sexually multi-flavoured, or whatever, you can't expect him to become vanilla. He was atleast respecting you by keeping his 'flavour' in his head. THAT says ALOT about this man's character... He didn't try to coerce you to the 'flavour-filled' side, and he didn't engage in his fetish with another partner.... (btw an addict would have)... I suggest that if you CANNOT accept that he fantasizes about other "weird" things, that you make sure your future bf is vanilla too...
.
This is why I say 100% honesty can ruin a good relationship. If he didn't tell you, you wouldn't have been weirded out, and wouldn't have felt like you were competing with a fantasy... Staying silent wouldn't have hurt anybody. I'm sorry you ended a good relationship over this.

Trippin, the only problem with your premise is that a true addiction to internet porn doesn't work that way. I didn't find out about my husband's issue until we had been married several years. It became a preference rather than being with me. I am very willing to try things and consider myself open and enthusiastic. There was a period where we weren't intimate for three years. I didn't know it at the time, but his needs were being met online. Devastating doesn't even begin to explain the heartache of being married to someone with this tendency. We are a work in progress and are trying to heal because we have a child. This issue ruins marriages and lives.

[Trippin2.0]

My stance is based on the FACT that addiction hasn't been proven. Except for the bf being distant bcoz of his guilt, the OP did not provide any other indication that it is an addiction.

[hamster-bamster]

I agree. And had he not felt guilty, he would not have been distant, it seems. If he were at peace with his OP, he would have been close. So it is an issue of preferences and choices within a relationship, not an issue of addiction.

[ponder1973]

What is "OP"? I thought it was "Original Post" or "Original Poster"

[hamster-bamster]

I understood it to mean Online Pornography.

[ponder1973]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I understood it to mean Online Pornography.

Thank you, it all makes sense now. Both meanings would be a common acronym in this forum.

[Scotty204]

I guess it would depend on the fetish and how weird it was. There are alot of real creepy things out there so I can understand how you and some people get creeped out. You have your beliefs and boundaries so he needs to understand this also and if it makes you uncomfortable and is unwilling to stop then maybe things won't work out

[Nannylou]

Sweeping Dawn, I too am dealing with these types of issues. I have been married to my husband for 17+ years and we are dealing with this same issue of Internet porn and other sexual behaviors outside the marriage for all 17 years. It's a problem that never seems to go away. I have decided to attend my first S-Anon meeting next week. I know what you are going through. It's not any easy thing. Take care of yourself!

[poptart316]

I thought fantasy/role-play was perfectly normal, healthy, and natural. I understand it can be taken to excesses and people can get carried away, but who likes to have vanilla sex ALL the time. (although this IS coming from a sex addict. : /) I dunno.. I look at it this way, if I loved someone who had a foot fetish, which to me is weird, I don't like people sucking on my toes.. but I loved the guy I'd give a shot and would try to find the beauty/sexy in it and would get enjoyment/satisfaction knowing the man I loved got pleasure out of it.

[dagorelbrab]

i know i probably shouldnt but im gonna chime in, you two were good friends, and lovers, you knew about his desires all along, but when he openly admitted them you wanted out right ? was it wrong of him to have desires and thoughts that werent exclusively about you, fantasies and daydreaming are natural, he was open and honest, even knowing it was a deal breaker, i respect you for being willing to admit that may not be all his fault, it sounds as if he wanted something you couldnt provide, and he told you, knowing it was a deal breaker, good for you for standing up for your principles, and for him for being willing to let you go instead of trying to change you into something you dont want to be, its sad when a relationship ends, its depressing when it continues and ruins both peoples lives