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Tongue Mar 21, 2020 at 04:25 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by medievalbushman View Post
@ARaven0137 Do you and your SO have assigned house chores for each other? My fiance and I have been working out what niches we each fit and what we share, and so far I'm the cook and outside chores guy, and she's the laundry gal, with us sharing dishes and general house cleaning. Part of the conflict between she and I has been my failures to fulfill my end of things (due to wasting time on my addictions), and my counter to that is that I do a lot she wouldn't have the first clue about doing (ie. firewood, hauling water, fixing anything that breaks, vehicle maintenance, household maintenance). There are times I feel like I do the bulk of the work around the house, and it's only a problem when I fail to do so because I'm the only one doing it.

I don't think that's a fair light to cast it in as there are things she does at home, and on a fairly consistent basis, but that's how I sometimes feel and I have a hard time seeing it from her side until we have a fight. Then, I feel shut down and silenced because all my failures get thrown in my face and I've nothing to defend myself with. No one is quite as capable as she is at making me feel inadequate and I find it a difficult feeling to move on from. It often makes me resentful.

ANYWAY! May I ask what kind of work he does? And what do you feel is your strong suit together?
I'm the first one to admit that I forget the household work almost as much as I remember it so I do shoulder some of the blame in the conflict. In my opinion, he does have an oddity in how chores are divided up and addressed. He tends to like chaos as I think he feels more in control. By not having anything set, it gives him latitude to be critical. I do nearly everything he asks though. He's very exacting in what he expects, but also very vague in how he wants me to go about it. Again, latitude to be critical. He seems ever so happy when he is telling me I did it wrong.

One of our consistent dances is him telling me to do something, standing behind me, telling me I'm doing it wrong, me putting everything down and saying, here, you do it.

I really empathize with you saying you can feel inadequate. I occasionally snap back with sarcastic things like, "I fly a sixty million dollar aircraft, but you don't trust me to cut cucumbers..." My resentment has been peaking of late.

He's an attorney, which I think contributes to the contentiousness and argumentativeness.
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Default Mar 21, 2020 at 04:33 PM
  #22
Oh boy, yeah, I'm seeing some parallels here, but unexpectedly. Something I have a tendency to do, and I have to actively suppress at times, is telling my fiance how to do simple things (like doing the dishes). I'm an admitted perfectionist, which has been a massive contributor to my procrastination problem (if I can't do it "right", I don't want to do it at all). I will develop ways of doing things that make the most sense and are the most efficient to me, so when I see someone do something different to my way, it can "trigger" me, lol. I've had to step back and apologize to my fiance for telling her how to do dishes, because when I watch her do it, it looks like a chaotic mess to me. She just does them in a random order and puts them all in a pile in the sink and dish rack to drip dry, while I have a spot for every thing and a way to put them so that they dry the best and I make the best use of space on our small counter. This situation is similar for a lot of chores we do together, and there are times I've straight up told her I'd rather do something by myself because how she does it "offends" me so much, lol. It's bad, and I'm trying not to be that way, but gaaaaaaawwwwd I can be so sensitive to stuff like this.

I think the difference between he and I here is the way you describe it... it's almost like he goes out of his way to make it so he can be critical of you when you try to help. Forgive me if that's not accurate, but that's the sense I'm getting, and I can easily see how that would brew much resentment. Combine that with his job... in that job, from what I've seen, half of it is trying to create traps for your opposition to walk into, and I get the feeling he's almost doing this unconsciously with you. It's like he needs a shift in perspective, like he's seeing you as the "opposition" rather than his client on whose behalf he needs to be watching for those traps.

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Unhappy Mar 23, 2020 at 08:51 PM
  #23
Fuuuuuuuuuuu, I'm experiencing one of the most intense cravings I've ever experienced for porn right now, and I need to come on here and vent/distract myself.

I was so close to relapsing, I even clicked onto a music video on youtube I knew would only make it worse, I dunno why, maybe rationalizing it as somehow "not as bad" as actual porn. Got halfway through it and went "wtf am I doing?". Exited out.


I know it's going to pass, and I'm counting the minutes, but the desire to go onto one of my fave sites is so bad right now, it feels physically painful. I mean, mild pain all considered, but pain still. Right down to my core, just clenched and knotted up.

What I wouldn't give right now to bliss out and watch all the things I used to watch. I don't think this was even triggered. I could feel it low-key bubbling in the background all day, just a constant thrum of want, but I chalked it up to just my normal state and I'm only more aware of it today. WRONG. It was definitely more keyed up than normal, in retrospect.


I was chilling on youtube while in bed next to my girl when I first felt it start to ramp up a bit. Unfortunately, it's that time of the month, and she's idling between states of "fml" and "I only mildly want to murder something" right now. So coming onto her is a bad idea and rather insensitive. So I left the bedroom to make a quick supper, took the laptop with to continue watching the gaming related video I was watching (no sexual imagery in it, btw), and as I was dialing in the settings on the oven, WHAM! It hits me, like a bloody tidal wave! Next thing I knew, I'm struggling to maintain control, and starting to lose when I clicked onto that youtube music video, and that little voice was just loud enough saying "hey, gtfo and maybe try distracting yourself on psych, or just... LEAVE. Anything!"

So here I am. It's been about 1/2hr since the wave hit me, and I'm still feeling it. Little less intense now, tho. And supper is coming along, so maybe food will help.

Also, I've had two masturbation relapses since my last check-in. I'm not as concerned about those, tho, because I'm focused on getting a handle on my porn addiction first, and I don't need to masturbate NEARLY as much when I don't watch porn, Plus, it's helping take the edge off during my SO's period, so I'm not constantly pestering her with my horniness. I'll be more focused on my masturbation (and whether It's as big a problem as I think) once I've had a long enough success period with abstaining from porn.

That said, I want to avoid masturbating every chance I get (though I'd love nothing more than to be indulging 2-3x a day), because I think it's a habit that feeds into my porn addiction cravings. I still see imagery in my head from porn I've watched during masturbation sessions, though it is fuzzier and harder to see clearly each day. It's now at the point where the things I imagine are more compelling than the things I try to recall from porn. But, my imagination is still not the sole things occupying my head at these times, so I have to be careful. Plus, when I've abstained from masturbating for a while, my SO... notices that certain things have become... more noticeable than usual, and it piques her desire. Which is what I want, I want her to want me (cue cheap trick).

Huh, that worked better than expected... craving has subsided to a low hum again, rather than volcano threatening eruption. That only took 45 minutes of embarassing thought vomit... sorry to whoever reads this. Especially the last bit. Gonna leave as is, tho, because it did help, oddly enough.

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Default Mar 24, 2020 at 04:52 AM
  #24
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Originally Posted by medievalbushman View Post
Oh boy, yeah, I'm seeing some parallels here, but unexpectedly. Something I have a tendency to do, and I have to actively suppress at times, is telling my fiance how to do simple things (like doing the dishes). I'm an admitted perfectionist, which has been a massive contributor to my procrastination problem (if I can't do it "right", I don't want to do it at all). I will develop ways of doing things that make the most sense and are the most efficient to me, so when I see someone do something different to my way, it can "trigger" me, lol. I've had to step back and apologize to my fiance for telling her how to do dishes, because when I watch her do it, it looks like a chaotic mess to me. She just does them in a random order and puts them all in a pile in the sink and dish rack to drip dry, while I have a spot for every thing and a way to put them so that they dry the best and I make the best use of space on our small counter. This situation is similar for a lot of chores we do together, and there are times I've straight up told her I'd rather do something by myself because how she does it "offends" me so much, lol. It's bad, and I'm trying not to be that way, but gaaaaaaawwwwd I can be so sensitive to stuff like this.

I think the difference between he and I here is the way you describe it... it's almost like he goes out of his way to make it so he can be critical of you when you try to help. Forgive me if that's not accurate, but that's the sense I'm getting, and I can easily see how that would brew much resentment. Combine that with his job... in that job, from what I've seen, half of it is trying to create traps for your opposition to walk into, and I get the feeling he's almost doing this unconsciously with you. It's like he needs a shift in perspective, like he's seeing you as the "opposition" rather than his client on whose behalf he needs to be watching for those traps.
Oh, that is very accurate! We did some family of origin work with a marital counselor when we were first married. His mother was extremely critical and nothing could satisfy her and he admits that he carries that into our relationship. I call it the carrot on the stick where I keep chasing success in his eyes but it will never happen.

Hahaha! You described our washing dishes routine to a T. I'm a chaotic mess and I admit that. Which is such a contradiction for me. Everyone says that, in the cockpit, I am difficult to please. I keep hearing my mentor in my head so i pass on that sense of perfection in the sky. Copilots just know that I'm going to put my finger on the altimeter and say, "it's not 1520 feet. It's not 1480 feet. It's 1500 feet on the localizer."
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Default Mar 24, 2020 at 04:53 AM
  #25
Stay strong! I'm up to 72 hours of not responding to L.
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Default Mar 25, 2020 at 12:12 AM
  #26
No major cravings today! Did a bunch of cleaning with K (my special other), trailer is starting to look presentable again. Cooked some chili, and just waiting for the timer to run out on a special request from K... Japanese jiggly cheesecake. Hopefully it turns out. We'll see.

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Default Mar 25, 2020 at 05:21 AM
  #27
What's a Japanese jiggly cheesecake?

I have to admit that we're having a dry spell and it's driving me nuts! I've been thinking about it all day.
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Default Mar 27, 2020 at 12:44 AM
  #28
@ARaven0137 Ach, sorry to hear that! At least you have effective means of handling it at your disposal, and likely no negative repercussions. Oh, and Jiggly Cheesecake is like... it's like angel food cake, but made with cream cheese, and it jiggles! It's a strange dichotomy of textures and flavors, and it's surprisingly good, especially with fruit. However, I personally don't class it as "cheesecake". Nuh uh. To me, cheesecake has got to be dense, moist, and rich!

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Default Apr 02, 2020 at 05:16 AM
  #29
Feeling a bit frustrated with myself lately. I've lost all motivation to progress further in my efforts, just been in a holding pattern so to speak. I haven't tried meditating yet, I haven't done any of the things I said I was going to try to do. I can blame part of it on this Covid BS upending my life lately, but really, I'm the sole reason I haven't progressed. I'm happy to report I'm still going strong in my efforts to abstain from porn, and it's easier to click away from overly-sexual material these days, so that's encouraging. But I need to keep pushing forward. The goal, after all, is to make myself a whole and productive man again. And I just... feel like I haven't gotten anywhere lately. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop. Cleaning the same things, doing the same dishes, cooking, getting firewood, etc. But stuck there. My home, while much cleaner these days, is still a disorganized mess, with tools and things just... THERE, just there because I've nowhere else to put them yet. I've been working on a woodworking/shop shed to have a place I can put all my tools away, to have a home for them, but I haven't gotten past the floor yet. I feel like I have so much other... crap, just getting in the way, and then when I have time... I just don't have any motivation left. We had a massive dump of snow, constantly snowing for about seven or more days now. So I tried to get the snowblower hooked up to our tractor, because there's just too much to push with the bucket now, but problem after problem kept cropping up while I was doing it and now I'm stuck with a problem that I've attempted several methods of fixing it with no success. Stuck again. By the time I gave up on it, it had been dark for a couple hours. That was yesterday, and today I couldn't push myself to go out and try again.

K and I have been kinda beating around the bush of sex the past two days as her time of the month finished recently, but between her stressing over income flow, and me just feeling... blech lately, we've just never gotten around to it. Like it's a chore now that neither of us is all that keen on doing. WTF? And it's not like my libido is gone, I still have bouts of desire for her every couple of hours, but it's like my libido is just... suppressed, by circumstance or by lack of motivation, whenever an opportunity might arise. It worries me, to be honest.

I've also had some... unsettling ponderings rattling around in my head for the past couple weeks as well: how much of my sexual desires are actually me, and how much were brought on by seeking greater stimulus from the porn I consumed? How am I going to handle the desires I still have that K either has no interest in exploring or is frankly physically incapable of? Am I going to have to go back to suppressing aspects of myself that came out during my exploratory period? I mean, I guess I kind of already was in some way or another, but I felt like porn was an outlet in some fashion, and now I don't have that outlet. I'm starting to recognize some things that were just stimulus seeking, it's easy for me to drop them from my fantasies now. But there's other things that still haunt my mind, things that feel genuine. When they materialize out of the fog, my heart starts pumping harder and I feel the desire in my veins. And now, when I think about it, I recognize that porn was even just a mere stopgap for these desires. My mind doesn't conjure up most of the porn I consumed of these desires anymore, because the porn feels... hollow now. Instead, my mind now projects fresh and vivid imaginations before my mind's eye, scenes I never saw in any porn I ever watched, and it's so much more... satisfying... and yet torturous. It makes it very difficult for me to abstain from masturbation, and now I both fear and look forward to showers because they've become the place where I can indulge in relative peace. At least now the drive to masturbate is significantly less than when I was still consuming porn. But it's still very much present.

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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 06:46 PM
  #30
I think that with anything that was addictive, the desire will never completely go away, but control or moderation is the key. When we have our dry spells I can tell that my imagination goes way up and I fantasize a lot more. My libido has always been high and its frustrating for me that my SO doesn't have the physical or emotional capacity to be intimate with me. One of my biggest weaknesses that I have been working on is that when we do have those dry periods I can tell I become a lot more flirtatious with men...and women. I'm bi and I have been imagining myself with a female friend a lot more.

We both need to stay strong!
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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 04:12 PM
  #31
Aye, I'm all too familiar with fantasizing about people I "shouldn't" be fantasizing about. It's tougher now, because with no porn filling in the script for me, my imagination has all kinds of freedom to write the screenplay. In fact, while I was consuming porn, I rarely imagined things. Having my imagination reawaken in the absence of porn has been, as I said, a blessing and a curse. That said, as much time as I spend fantasizing about other people or things, I now spend as much if not more fantasizing about K. Which has been a boon. But also frustrating, because for one reason or another, I doubt most of said fantasies will or could ever be fulfilled. Some, though, are very much within the realm of possibility, so there's comfort in that. Knowing there are sexual fantasies I can share and perhaps act upon with my fiance is helpful.

I've been slowly incorporating mindful awareness into my daily fantasies, and it has been helping quite a bit. First, in helping me abstain from masturbation on many occasions. But more importantly, it has actually been helping me filter who occupies my fantasies, and recognizing that's all they are. Just fantasies. In the past, I've gotten in trouble with allowing fantasies to develop into more, which helped lead to my emotional affair. Recognizing the warning signs and re-writing the script on the fly has made it much easier to discipline my thoughts, shift them towards less harmful or potentially misleading fantasies. I still have fantasies about people outside my relationship, but the ones I allow to stay are the ones that there's not even a remote chance I could ever act upon. And even those are less frequently a subject in my mind, now being replaced with "shadows" as I call them. Nameless, faceless beings who are merely tools in writing the script rather than actual people I shape my script around. Not sure if this is a good or bad idea, but if it is helping me abstain during the meantime, I'm going to take it as something good. I had no idea I missed my imagination this much, though.

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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 05:13 AM
  #32
I think that's a very positive development. You have great insight into where you are and where you want to be, which, to me, is most of the battle. It sounds like you're getting a better handle everything with some minor setbacks, which are natural.

While I do have a good level of self awareness, I can be very impatient. With my husband, I know when he is going into his mood cycle. Once I learned what to look for it was like a parade setting off the changes. What's changed recently is the length between cycles has gotten shorter and the duration of the cycle can vary now. When he goes into his depressive mode it can now last weeks to where he is minimally functional outside of work and house chores. So, I'm essentially a bachelorette for all intents and purposes with a anxious and critical roommate. At some point, I throw up my hands and begin to act outwardly like I'm single. I tried many times to talk to him about this, but I've gotten nowhere. I try to approach gently, but he seems threatened whenever I bring up a problem. I've told him and the counselor that he seems to prefer being up on the high horse, telling me what my problems are.

I jokingly call his cycle The Crescendo of Doom. It starts with a phase I call "The Huffy." He huffs around, letting out aggravated and irritated sighs, mumbling how I'm doing everything wrong. This tells me to start digging trenches and hunker down. It progresses to "The Frantic" where he goes into the hypomanic phase. He can't sit still, can't stop talking and everything is a problem. We watch shows three to five minutes at a time before he gets up or starts talking nonstop. I can go an hour "conversation" where my contribution is, "yeah, uh huh, oh really, wow." He becomes immune to social cues like crossed arms or staring out the window. I get the "machinegun" problems where he throws problems at me, dozens at a time, most of them trivial. I told the counselor that when he's hypomanic, every blade of grass in the yard becomes a life or death issue. This is where I try to volunteer for work trips overseas. Then, we reach "The Shrill" where his voice goes up several octaves and gets much louder and he picks a fight until I offer battle. Once here, it's hard to deescalate and he is usually only concerned with winning as opposed to resolving the problem. I developed a strategy I call Mutually Assured Destruction in which, once battle is joined, I will move to destroy the relationship. I did it as a deterrence and it has actually worked to get him to think twice before launching an offensive. He actually caught himself a few times and deescalated on his own.

A big fight is followed by serious drinking on his part and then a crash into depression. It's not uncommon for him to not emerge from the bedroom for days and for him to only get out of bed to use the bathroom or drink water. His family has a lot of bipolar in it, but he's never been diagnosed. He is on meds and I think that affects his libido.

So, here I am, feeling like a bachelorette, fantasizing about people and using my stash of toys a lot more than I should.
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 11:30 PM
  #33
Wow. So much of his behavior you described sounds so similar to how my K will sometimes behave. Including the escalation. However, near as I can tell, her bouts of combativeness are usually triggered by a combination of stress and her time of the month coming into play. If she's worried about money or house chores, and then her period starts, I can expect to start seeing an escalation unless one of these conditions has a meaningful change.

A few differences though. Her escalation is usually over the course of a week. Starts with being "huffy" as you described. Then progresses to constantly telling me to do this or that, mixed with complaining that I never do anything around the house or for her (regardless of the veracity of this belief, I could have been doing a lot, but she NEEDS to have something she can needle me about). If we get to this stage, sometimes if I manage to change the circumstances (either financially or chore wise) it will nip it in the bud, and it's just a normal period for her. However, this isn't a surefire means of preventing it, I have found. And if I can't do anything about what's causing her anxiety, I'm boned. It makes me feel rather helpless at times. The next stage is either digging up something I did wrong in the past, and her questioning whether I'm doing it again (like talking to other women behind her back) and then escalating her anxiety about that by worrying I'm doing something worse (like full blown cheating). And I can reassure her countless times to no avail. This is partly my fault, for having betrayed her trust in the past. She then feels justified in not trusting me, and therefore in worrying that I'm doing something worse. Which only makes things worse, because I can only deny it, which she doesn't believe anyway.

After that, it will often progress to full blown fights like the ones I've described in the past. And frequently, the only recourse I have when we get to that point is to tell her to leave me if it's that bad being with me. We'll fight about that, with her accusing me of only being with her because it's convenient or easy and that I don't actually love her. It's a mess. Sometimes, I wonder how we ever patch things up.

So, while I don't think that they have the same issues going on, it's interesting how similar the behavior can be. Don't wear your toys out!

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Default Apr 09, 2020 at 04:57 AM
  #34
I recognize so much of that situation in mine! The Huffy to The Shrill is about a week on average. I get the rapid fire commands and complaints, being led around the house and shown all that I missed. I am truly a sub par housekeeper and I have often heard that he wanted a housewife. He would be perfectly happy if I resigned and just sat on the couch, awaiting his next household command. I get the exact same thing in that I can do a lot, but he perceives that I've done nothing. One of the big fight lead ins is, "You never do anything around here! It's all me!" Nothing I can say or do can convince him otherwise. I call this the "nine of ten rule" where I can do nine things and the one thing I miss will be the focal point of the conflict.

I've been accused of cheating in the past and am frequently scrutinized in my contacts. I also have blame in that, as I've mentioned I get very flirty when I feel ignored. I would consider myself quite attractive and I do get a lot of attention from men, especially at work so that feeds into it.

We've had many a fight in which I threw up my hands and told him that I must be the worst wife in the world and that he should find a wife who is a good housekeeper. I've also been accused of staying because it's convenient and that he takes care of everything at home while I'm off saving the world. So, between my husband and the BPD stalker friend, I've had stellar luck with men. My husband is a good man. He's kind hearted, charitable, engaged in world events and the environment, but I truly suspect that we are a big mismatch. My best friend says he's an idiot though. He has a beautiful, active and intelligent wife who wants to have crazy sex and he doesn't appreciate it.

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad to have someone to commiserate with. Oh, I had three goes today including one with my sybian.

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Default Apr 09, 2020 at 05:37 AM
  #35
@ARaven0137 I'm jealous! I wish I could do the same and still get anything done. I could easily have three goes, but it's an all day affair for me typically. And a sybian! I'd get one just to watch K ride it if she had the desire. Maybe down the road I can convince her. I've always thought they looked like intense fun. Wish there was something like that out there for guys. Though I'm not sure I'd ever buy one for myself as I can't justify buying even a simple fleshlight (though some Bad Dragon toys looked fun).

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Trig Apr 11, 2020 at 10:12 PM
  #36
Phew, boy! Past couple days have been... trying. Fortunately, while I have had cravings for porn, they've been very manageable, so that's a small blessing. But, the past couple days I've been very irritable with K. Unfairly so. Yesterday was the worst day, it seemed like everything she did pissed me off, and I had no real good reason for it. I tried to tamp it down, keep it relatively contained, and tried to puzzle through it in my own head, try to sort it out so I wasn't letting it out on her. But I kinda failed. I was very passive aggressive, very huffy and full of sighs, and became visibly irritated anytime she requested I do something. I'm having trouble today figuring out why, but I think a couple factors were at play.

While we're pretty used to spending a lot of time together, more than either of us spends with anyone else, this quarantine business REALLY increased that time to... ALL of the time. And I think we're just getting on each other's nerves and up in each other's grill with nowhere for either of us to take our frustrations elsewhere. Last week, it was her being very irritated with me, these past couple days it's me. I did apologize to her yesterday, after I finally sorted myself out with some alone time getting a couple loads of water into our cistern. That helped matters. But before that, when we were getting groceries, and then gathering up some more firewood... I was downright grumpy with her. Almost mean. Maybe even mean. Over stupid stuff, like her asking if we could stop by staples for some art supplies to help mediate her boredom at home. Simple, right? You wouldn't think it by the way I was behaving. I was just so fed up with following her around stores that I felt we didn't need to be going into (although we kinda did), and I wasn't keeping it to myself. So that's probably one reason for my poor mood, just too much time around the same person with no breaks.

Another was definitely sexual frustration. The past couple days I've been going through up and down cycles of ramped up sexual need. Without an outlet. I ain't turning back to porn. Can't really, anyway. One pro of being around K constantly is she's always around to see what I'm up to, so there isn't much opportunity for my brain to get up to it's "just a little" shenanigans. Also the boon of only having internet access through her and her laptop right now, makes it a lot easier to resist when she can see what I've been doing on it. I did try to relieve myself in the shower, as has become a habit, but... I just couldn't this time around. Partly because I've been trying to save it for her, but also... it just ain't what I need right now. The touch felt good, but my being is after more. Something more connecting, less mechanical. Something deeper, more primal than just getting my rocks off alone in the shower. I need the emotional and physical connection my imagination can't provide. And therein lies the rub.

I feared our disparate libidos would become an issue, and my fears seem to be getting proven. She's definitely been more receptive since I quit porn, but... agh, selfish as I feel saying it, not enough. I think I said this before, but for her, once a week is more than enough. To me, it feels like half as much as I "need", and a quarter as much as I want. Also part of it for her is that (as I've mentioned before I believe), if I don't orgasm with her, there's no point in her eyes. She needs guarantee that I can provide verifiable evidence that I've enjoyed my time with her or she doesn't want to do it. Whereas I don't see that as the be all for time well spent. And then she's also dealing with her own problems, depression and such, that inhibit her libido even more.


Throw that in with my imagination working overtime lately, going through all my fave fetishes and visuals, often combining them, and me still managing to resist and even dampen them at time... I've been in a sexual high key for days.
Possible trigger:


None of this is her fault, something I have to constantly remind myself of so that I don't build resentment against her, but that's one of those things easier said than done. And then today, I got the offer, after supper, and I should have taken her up on it, but the resentment I've been trying to prevent and suppress came out in the form of rejecting her offer. Partly because of how it was framed. See, her way of expressing desire is by asking me to bath with her. "What's wrong with that?" you might ask. Well, I've a pretty big frame. I'm 5'10 and my chest is 46" around, 24" across at the outside of my biceps (this is my widest point when my arms are down). I'm no body builder, but I'm not a small dude. So I typically shower, not because I don't enjoy soaking my bones (hot tubs are fantastic), but because it's much more comfortable than trying to wash all of me in a tub that's just wide enough and not near tall enough. In order to wash my hair, I have to lift my legs out of the tub so I can push my body down far enough to dunk my head. It's not comfortable. Now try cramming me in with another person. And still expect me to wash myself properly. And if I want to have sex with her, she nigh expects this of me before each time. It's like foreplay for her. See how this might be annoying for me? I have no problem with getting clean before getting dirty, who wants some sweaty smelly viking climbing on top of them? But I can't just have a shower before? Is there no other acceptable foreplay? Not really for her, it seems. So I foolishly rejected her offer out of pure annoyance and frustration. And now I'm regretting it. Upon writing this out, I now feel even more foolish, and even petulant, for it.

I don't know anymore, is it too much to ask that she desire me enough to want to be more sexually adventurous for me? Am I asking too much when I ask her to wear lingerie and stockings, and to set aside some time for us to play with rope and other things? Aye, it's only been a month and a half since I quit porn, and granted I haven't asked recently, but then... I haven't really seen any sign that I should. I feel it would just be more of the same rejection I received in the past. Maybe I'm being impatient? Maybe I'm letting myself focus too much on the sex?

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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 12:00 AM
  #37
Hello there! New to your thread, but it's been an interesting read. I have had problems with porn addiction, but on a smaller scale, (in my eyes anyway), and it all leads up to a pang of guilt afterward, (religious guilt) as if I am sinning in the eyes of the Lord. I am not crazy religious in any form or fashion, but as a woman, a believer in Jesus, (worse that I am having these urges on Easter now), I feel that I shouldn't be participating in it.

My fiance, he has a high libido. Granted, we are at the beginning of our relationship, so four times at a hotel stay had become our new normal - all four times him reaching a powerful orgasm, (one night it was five). But in recent months, as our relationship moved more toward long-term and we became engaged, our sex life tapered off - mostly because of his back injury, and he felt like he was doing all the work. I know I have to lose more weight to ride him better without my legs giving out - or even to try other positions which would take "the work" off his shoulders, but without those hiccups, we have a pretty healthy sex life.

Now, for him, the porn is poison. When he watches it, he would Google my real name and find women that looked like me to jerk off to - but like my bipolar disorder, he has schizophrenia which would cloud his mind and put delusions in his head that I was actually IN those pornos he was watching - turning him to accuse me of making those videos behind his back, (it got pretty bad at one point). His jealousy is a big headache for me; even as a bigger girl I am still quite a looker, and my Facebook is a problem for him, my best friend, (also my ex), is even a BIGGER problem - basically, ANY guy in my life besides him is a HUGE problem. I have had to hide my male friends from him, (I hate hiding behind his back), but he gets ballistic with any guy talking to me, even if it's innocent.

Besides that, he's a fantastic guy and honestly has been the best sex I have ever had, and no one in my life has ever loved me as much as he loves me.

The big test will come next Friday when he comes home from the hospital. (Corona Scare), and we spend this quarantine together EVERY DAY in each other's face since I have been furloughed from work.

Right now, the time I have had in my apartment by myself, I have watched porn only because I have internet everywhere and it's so accessible, but I have felt guilty about it every time. I am sitting here right now about to open a browser, but it's now almost 1 am on Easter, and I feel I shouldn't.

I am sorry your K doesn't want to participate in your fantasies or at least wear lingerie. Maybe one day she'll come around - I know I wasn't into any of that till late in my 30s, so I don't know where she's at. Also, I have had sex on my period and even though a little messy, its the best sex in the long run so don't let that time of the month stop you from having a sex life - especially since she can take care of YOUR needs at least during that time.

And to answer the last part of your post - 70% of happy couples report a healthy sex life, so when people say, "it's not really important," I think they are lying to themselves. Just my opinion, though.

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Frown Apr 13, 2020 at 03:43 AM
  #38
Another not so great day. Started fine, got up and helped K cook some apple crisp for her mom's birthday. Got a little frisky with K afterwards before I hit the shower, and we were sharing some nice intimate moments with the promise of more to come after we delivered her mom's apple crisp. And then it went downhill after I got out of the shower.

As soon as I stepped out, the first thing that hit me was the smell of burning electrical. If you've ever smelled this, you KNOW that smell, and might even know how that can induce panic. I went searching and found the source almost immediately. Fortunately, the main breaker blew before the failed electrical outlet in the spare room could really catch alight. But fuuuuuu what an anxiety inducer that was. I killed the power, pulled out the outlet and disconnected the wires, made them all safe before turning power back on. Made sure nothing else was short-circuiting. Everything seemed fine.

We left an hour later to deliver the crisp. Came back after dark. No lights in the kitchen or the spare room, and the fridge wasn't working. WTF??? More anxiety. K starts pulling stuff out of the fridge to put in the snow while I tried to diagnose the problem. A phone call to my parents later, and I've figured it out. Disconnecting the plug cut the entire circuit, and apparently our kitchen lights and fridge are on the same circuit as an electrical outlet in the spare room... What. TF? So I've got the circuit restored by direct wiring the wires together until I can get replacement outlets, but talk about frustration. Thankfully, it doesn't appear anything in the fridge got too warm.

But hey, guess where that leaves me? If you guessed "foiled and sexually frustrated once again", winner winner chicken dinner, you're correct. So here I am, trying to distract myself away from a relapse.

Btw, I was browsing through some porn addiction forums today, looking for more information and people directly dealing with similar problems to me, and... man, I don't know if I can join those forums. I might suck it up and deal in the hopes of camaraderie and useful information, but I'm not sure I'll find it there. Seriously, one of the threads I had the misfortune of clicking on was a guy trying to claim that masturbation caused all kinds of physical defects and deficiencies, like stunting your growth and de-calcifying your teeth. I wish I was making that up. Worse, the first five responses were people basically thanking him for "preaching the truth, brother!" before someone sane stepped in to debunk his crap. To be fair, most of the rest were similar posts of mockery and disbelief, but this first encounter has still left a bad taste on my tongue.

Most of the other threads I saw were less informative and more people begging for help quitting porn, which is less than useful for me. I'll probably go back to browse some more before I give up on it, but I'm not hopeful.


In good news, however, I have started using a daily journal to help me track my progress and goals, and I have to say, while only a few days in now, it seems promising. Will update on that more as I get further along.

Finally, I've been struggling with another old habit of mine lately, related to porn but not nearly as visually explicit. I believe I mentioned I feel I'm addicted to erotic literature as well (I mean, it is in the title). My mind has been trying to play the "but it's not porn" game with this, and while technically true, this is not good for me because I still had similar habits and failings using that medium as I did with porn. I had one site that was my go to, and I could spend hours browsing through stories on there. Wasted way more time than I can admit on that site. In fact, I often enjoyed stories more than I did porn. I found them more mentally stimulating (which I've found a key factor in my arousal) and this in turn influenced my porn tastes. I hated porn that was poorly acted, because while it might have all the visuals, it was so jarringly immersion breaking. Also, if it didn't have some sort of context or story or setting, I had trouble enjoying it. Porn for porn's sake was just not my forte typically (though not a hard rule. hehe, hard... I'll show myself out).


However, one thing porn provided that stories could not... was audio. Oh lord, that was one thing that definitely got me going back to porn over and over was the audio. I loved the sounds, especially when it was evident the actress was thoroughly enjoying herself (or was just incredibly good at faking it). In turn, if it was evident that they were forcing their vocalizations, there was no greater turn off for me. This one puzzles me though. I'm not sure why I'm such an audiophile. Is it just built into me? Did I develop it? Was there a trigger in my youth perhaps? Maybe it's the imagination of it that gets me going. Like, if I was sleeping in a room next to a girl's room, and I started hearing the faint sounds of her masturbating, especially if she was trying to keep it quiet, but just wasn't quite managing... this gets me incredibly aroused. Even just thinking about it increases my heart rate. Is this unusual or more common than I think?


Another line of musing I've been pondering is whether porn was ENTIRELY bad for me or if it was an aid in helping me explore my own likes and desires without the risk of involving other people before I was ready. I don't think I'd have figured out what some of my core turn-ons are without having been exposed to them through porn. The feeling would have been there, but perhaps porn helped bring it out in the open and caused me to realize it? Again, I don't want to go back to porn, the addiction is real and fearsome, but... if not porn, what then would have helped me figure these things out? Is there healthier means of exploration? Because I can't help but think blundering into these things through sex might have turned really messy... even dangerous in some cases. Does that make sense? Am I just blowing smoke up my own rear?

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Laugh Apr 13, 2020 at 05:34 AM
  #39
MB, So sorry for the frustration. The bathtub option definitely sounds like a no go based purely on logistics. Would she be amenable to showering? Also, if showering together helps her get in the mood, could you indulge her? That seems like a harmless "sacrifice".

Oh, I feel your pain on the stay at home mandate. I'm considered essential so I get to escape to the hangar, but I just fly and go home unless there's maintenance to be done. My husband works two days a week, three to four hours each day so he's home more. He's a homebody anyway and just sits and dreams up a million things for me when I get home. I flew a 13.5 hour day on Thursday, staggered in the door at home and then started my next full time job because he had dreamt up a gazillion chores.

Sometimes, people are just aroused by certain things and turned off by certain things. Beyond that, I think there is wriggle room to learn and develop a taste for them. I'm just going to throw this out there, but I was pretty vanilla going into college. I was gently introduced to and learned to enjoy light BDSM as a submissive. It was done very gently and we always had a safe word and my pleasure was always a prime consideration. It took a little convincing for me to try it out, but it was always safe and enjoyable. Most of the orgasms I get while tied up are mind blowing. I think the only consideration I had to throw in was that I sometimes get itchy and someone would have to help me scratch.

And I'm just going to throw this one out too...just putting on stockings gets me aroused for some reason. I like wearing just that and maybe heels too.

Sorry about the home malfunctions. Talk about a mood crusher that was totally unexpected. Yes, we once had a short in the cockpit and talk about an attention getter. Every other priority goes on the back burner other than keeping the bird in the air.

I like this forum in that people will actually engage with you on the issue and seem to care and not just throw out BS. Hmmm, regarding erotic literature, I can actually see that as a positive provided it's not an addiction and doesn't disrupt your ability to function as a person and a lover. I think it can generate good ideas and things to act upon. I enjoy good role play and think it can add a good dimension to one's love life.

LS, I empathize with the jealousy you are getting. One part does seem to be related to schizophrenia, but the jealousy of any guy in your life I can relate to. I mentioned that I can be kind of flirty and I had my headset taken from my xbox. I also have this friend I have mentioned, who has probably has BPD and other issues. He believes that we are in a relationship and has repeatedly demanded that I give up every man in my life. I hope it goes well when he returns from the hospital.

Playing off of what you said, I say, sex is like air. It's not a problem unless you're not getting any.
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Default Apr 13, 2020 at 06:18 AM
  #40
K's not a fan of showers. She enjoys lounging in a hot bath and soaking up the heat, which I think is a big factor in it. She loves the warmth. So showering together is probably not a go, though I will try suggesting it. Because I'd love it, personally. All that wet naked skin for me to roam my hands over... yep, love it.

And gawds yes, stockings and nothing but... the stuff of wonderful dreams. Since we're sharing, my thing I wear that gives me arousal is c*** rings. I love that snug feeling around my base, that constant reminder. Love how it draws the eyes down there, becomes a point of fixation. I love wearing one under my clothes, my naughty secret, and then surprising K with the fact I've been wearing one all day. I'd like to get a nice metal one, but have been having trouble finding the right size in the style I like. And metal needs to be sized correctly, it doesn't have the leeway silicone has.


Alas, erotic literature, at least at this point, is something I know I can be addicted to, and that at least for now I need to avoid. This actually pains me more, much more, than abstaining from porn. There's so much well put together words can convey that porn can not. And I sorely miss that right now.

Right now, I'm hoping the stars align and I can get some dedicated time for me and K to reconnect to our mutual enjoyment of bondage. You'd think it would be easy what with the quarantine and all, but surprisingly, no. It's not. Not when you're trying to align libidos.

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