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Kelly2870
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Default May 04, 2020 at 08:39 PM
  #1
I’m a 48 year old female with porn and masturbation addiction. It’s something ive has an issue with since I was young. I discovered my fathers porn collection when I was 11. I was seeing and reading things no 11 yo should. There were books on sexuality as well as hardcore magazines. Reading those books is where I learned about orgasms and how to achieve them. It’s somthing that became an obsession. It’s always been like an escape for me and I’d find myself doing it for hours still so to this day. It has effected my relationships and sex life. When I was younger I acted out sexual a lot. I don’t do that as much now but still indulge in porn and masturbation a lot. It’s effected my work also it’s made me late to work a lot and I’ve called off a lot to do it. I have really never sought help with this because I seriously don’t know how to bring it up or discuss it. Or maybe it’s jist easier for me to keep it secret I don’t know. With the current state of the world and be stuck at home it has even increased to the point of thinking I really need to make a change
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Default May 05, 2020 at 05:35 AM
  #2
Hi Kelly, a friend of mine, medieval bushman, and I were just discussion the same thing in a previous thread. I can see how this is having a negative effect on your functioning. I won't steal his thunder, but he is going through something very similar. I'm hoping he might be around as he has a lot of wisdom in how to deal with this.

Can I ask if this is something that is stress relieving or is it something else?

I've mentioned that my husband is frequently unable due to anxiety and bipolar disorder and I do indulge frequently as I have a high libido. However, it does not impair my work or other activities. I hear so many counseling services are unavailable due to covid so I hope you can find some answers here with people.
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Default May 05, 2020 at 06:03 AM
  #3
Thanks for responding. Yes I think it is stress relieving and anxiety relieving like I said I think it’s an escape from reality for me. I also have depression and shame and guilt about my behavior. Like I’d i was having a stressful day at work I’d sneak off to the bathroom and couldn’t wait to get home and indulge myself
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Default May 13, 2020 at 03:40 AM
  #4
Hey Kelly, sorry I've taken so long to chime in, I hope you're still checking in here. So, first thing you should know is you're far from alone in your predicament. I've been digging around looking for help and resources, and this has made me aware of just how many people there are out there struggling to overcome a dependency on pornographic materials. I've yet to find a dedicated forum I personally could recommend (outside of here on Psych Central, which isn't really a dedicated resource, but is one I've found immensely helpful). That said, the search is young yet, so if I find something I think could be useful, I could share it here if you like.

As for ideas and suggestions for ways you can get started, lets start with some information, some of the same stuff that was shared with me when I first posted.
Digital-Age/Conditioned Porn Addiction: A New Version of an Old Problem
Treating Different Categories of Sex/Porn Addicts
I've been slowly digesting the content on this Noah Churche's site, and he seems to have a pretty good handle on how this addiction ticks and what one can do to combat it, so I'm going to recommend checking it out for yourself, and read this interview as you have time, you might find it relatable.

What It's Like to Be a Porn Addict? An Interview with Noah Church (Part 1)
What It's Like for an Addict to Quit Using Porn? An Interview with Noah Church (Part 2)
Understanding Porn Addicts: An Interview with Noah Church (Part 3)
His website https://addictedtointernetporn.com/

THIS article in particular, however, has been the MOST useful for me in terms of actual methods for addressing my porn addiction, I HIGHLY recommend it. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-a...addictive-sex/ Seriously, I would never have thought it, but using mindfulness exercises and not trying to "resist" the urges have been the best help for me on a personal level.

I just threw a lot of information at you, I apologize, but take your time, read it as you can and try to give yourself time to process information. I initially struggled to find the words to respond to your post because I was focusing too much on the fact you're a woman who's fighting this addiction, which used to be quit uncommon, and I was concerned I would provide you with information that hindered you because it's not tailored to your sex.


However, upon further examination it appears that not only are more and more women struggling with this issue (as a result of how ubiquitous pornography now is on the internet, among other factors), I shouldn't have been so concerned with physiological differences because men and women are actually wired quite similarly. Now, take all this with a grain of salt as I'm far from a professional and this is merely my opinion as a result, but it appears the biggest differences between the sexes in regards to sexual stimulation are in intensity of response to different stimuli rather than what actually triggers sexual responses. For example, studies have shown that when men and women are shown slide shows of varying sexual images. they both respond to sexually explicit (or implicit) material. However, men will typically have a more intense reaction to visual stimuli, and typically only to images that cater to their sexual inclinations. Whereas women will usually not have as strong of a reaction to visual stimuli, they will have a sexual reaction to a much more diverse range of explicit material, even material outside their preferences and inclinations (ie. straight women will have a reaction to images of naked women, regardless of being heterosexual). TO BE CLEAR, these are just generalizations from what I've gleaned from studies I've been digging through, I'm far from a professional, and there's still so much scientists don't clearly understand as of yet, much less me, a pervert on the internet. That said, I felt I should share what I've been gathering from my look into the differences between men and women addicted to porn, and so far, there really isn't that much difference between us. To be sure, there are some physiological differences, but again, they're more about intensity and what stimulus men and women respond more strongly to. So I need not be worried that I'll horribly hinder your efforts with misinformation, and you can take some comfort in knowing that while most of the resources out there are tailored to the context of men, most of it should still be useful to you. With my needless worrying out of the way...

Here's what I, personally, would recommend.
1. Inform yourself. Look for information resources, try your best to vet them (because there is misinformation out there), and always be trying to absorb new information that might assist you in your efforts. This does a couple of things: a)It helps you gather information that could help you understand how best to treat yourself. b)It helps keep at the forefront of your mind what you're trying to accomplish, a life free of porn. Most of the articles I've read here on PsychCentral have been good and helpful, it's a good resource. I've shared some other stuff for you to peruse.

2. Quit cold turkey. Sooner is better. Why? Because everytime you consume porn, it strengthens your dependence on it by strengthening the neural pathways created by the dopamine released during consumption. This is a great article on the subject. https://oceanrecoverycentre.com/2016...orn-addiction/ Everytime you relapse, those pathways get renewed. Your best chance is going cold turkey. But I warn you... it's going to be rough. The first three weeks for me were hell, and looking back, I'm still not sure how I managed... but it was waaaay worth it. I'm still far from healed, but I've already seen some major improvements in my life, and I'm still working towards even more improvements. I do not regret it. After the first 3-4 weeks of going sober, it starts getting easier for most, but until then, your body is going to fight you because it's become dependent on that dopamine hit. You just need to weather that storm. And do your best to avoid sexually stimulating material that could trigger a relapse. For me, it was explicit music videos and content on Netflix and such with explicit material in it. You need to determine what to avoid for yourself.

3. Get an accountability partner, someone who can help you stay on track. On this front, I'm not much help I'm afraid. I had an early leg up in that I'm in a committed relationship with a woman who helped me stay the course. I didn't have to go find a partner to help me, so I'm not sure what the best way would be for you to get one. What I can tell you is I KNOW I would not have been successful without my fiance, that much is certain. You don't need to go get a boyfriend, though, my fiance was convenient for me. I would say that most addicts I've seen online had to also find their own accountability partner, so you're not alone. Whoever you find, though, will need to be someone you can start building trust with, someone you can share your darker moments with so that they can support you through them. I would offer my support in this regard, but frankly, I'm not immediately available at most times due to my living situation, and you need someone you can rely on to be available rapidly. More rapidly than me. Perhaps we can find an online community that would serve in this role? I know that works for some of the addicts I've seen online.

4. Be prepared to dig into past traumas. For a lot of sex/porn addicts, their addiction is driven by trauma early in their life. Some didn't even remember until they started trying to fix their problems and then they ran into it. For me, I'm actually unsure at this point if mine is at all influenced by prior trauma. It's a possibility, but if it is the case, I don't remember it as such. Once this pandemic has lightened up some, I'm going to renew my efforts to get a therapist to try and dig deeper into this part of my life. We'll see what gets turned up.

5. Understand that being free of porn is not a silver bullet. Sometimes porn is the symptom of problems. Sometimes it's the cause. Sometimes... it's both. You're going to run into things as you struggle with this that will seem to conspire to foil your efforts. Perhaps you've got bad habits as a result of your addiction. Perhaps your addiction is an escape from the problems your bad habits cause. Perhaps both. I know for me, they all like to work together to keep me down. I'll have a problem because of my procrastination habit, sometimes bad enough it triggers my cravings to just lay in bed and masturbate to porn. And then I'll procrastinate by watching porn... and then the problem gets worse. And it's a vicious cycle. Breaking these cycles is not easy, and sometimes it will feel like you're fighting ten problems at once AND your addiction. Take heart. Try not to fix them ALL at once, just focus on a couple at a time a day at a time, and make fighting your addiction your priority. You'll get through it. And you'll feel better for it. Sometimes, you'll get the added bonus of killing two birds with one stone. An example from me is distracting myself from my cravings by trying to focus on doing some dishes or other minor easy cleaning. I made my life a little better AND refrained from indulging in porn. Win-win.

6. Take it a day at a time. Don't worry about yesterday. Don't fret over tomorrow. Just be in the now and focus on doing your best today. Sometimes your best today won't be what your best was yesterday, and sometimes it will be the best day you've had in months. Don't think too much on it, don't let it steal your attention away from where it needs to be at this moment: Here. Now. In the past, I've let my past failures and even my past triumphs steal from me my days months at a time. Worrying about all that instead of focusing on the day and what I could be doing right at that moment got me nowhere, and only served to paralyze me with self-doubt and fear. It's not easy to let go, but it's necessary. Otherwise, you stagnate and fall back into the old habits you're trying to shed instead of moving forward even a step.

7. Perhaps the most important. Forgive yourself. Don't hold onto your mistakes and sins, all that baggage weighing you down. Remember them, yes, they're why you're trying to change... but don't beat yourself with all your failings over and over like the proverbial dead horse. It achieves nothing, and worse, actively hinders you by making you believe you're not worth fighting for. You ARE worth fighting for, worth changing for, and don't let your past self convince you otherwise. Nothing will improve if you don't believe you're worth changing for.

I hope anything I've shared here is at all useful to you in your newfound quest. Please, feel free to message me with questions or just for support. I might be scarce at times, but I'm happy to help when and where I can.

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Last edited by medievalbushman; May 13, 2020 at 03:47 AM.. Reason: better paragraph spacing
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Default Sep 24, 2020 at 08:01 AM
  #5
Hi,

Loads of good stuff from medieval bushman.

If i may add to it its not always trauma that's the root cause often it a can be attachment, it is for me. I've moved from focusing on the use of porn to my attachments, my relationships and increasing the quality of my relationships.

I feel this is helping me significantly.

Whats works for you will probably be based on why your are using porn.

Cheers
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