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waterbuggy
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Trig Nov 28, 2020 at 01:12 AM
  #1
hi, im new to this forum and i made this account just to ask questions like this. im terrified im a pedophile.
im 19 years old, ive dealt with physical, emotion, and sexual trauma since i was little, and have been a victim of pedophilia multiple times. partially as a way to cope, i began enjoying problematic content in fiction. ive always been told that since i like loli and shota content that im a pedophile and im starting to believe it.
i feel like i cant masturbate to normal porn anymore. it has to be anime porn or it wont feel as good. its been this way for years, but recently ive been super paranoid about it.
is it just hotter because its fictional? or am i really turning into a pedophile?
if i am, then i will quite literally kill myself. ive been hurt too many times by pedophiles and the thought of being one just makes me want to destroy myself

Last edited by bluekoi; Dec 01, 2020 at 09:26 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Smile Dec 02, 2020 at 03:33 PM
  #2
Hello waterbuggy: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

You didn't mention whether or not you're seeing a therapist. If not, I think your concerns are ones you need to take up with a mental health professional... either a psychologist or a mental health therapist. I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't tell you whether or not you need to be concerned you've become a pedophile. I'd say chances are what you're dealing with has more to do with the effects of the trauma you yourself experienced, along with (possibly) what is referred to as Pedophilia OCD. But that's just a guess on my part. You really need to be talking about this with a mental health professional.

Here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of at least some small bit of help:

Am I a Monster? Common Features of Pedophilia OCD

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 03:47 PM
  #3
It's so brave for you to reveal these things @waterbuggy . At 19 you are still developing physically. I know you are grown, and of course it would be criminal and an awfully destructive thing, as you are so painfully aware of, to hurt and betray a child, the way you were hurt and betrayed. You clearly feel you are doing something wrong...it does sound like a compulsion which you want help to overcome.
Please do find a therapist that you can trust to guide you with these painful issues. Please do not destroy yourself. You are still developing, and it could take a long time to resolve these issues, but the world will be a better place for your recovery.
There are lots of people happy to listen and not judge you. Don't be scared to ask for help. Feel free to PM me. Call Samaritans on 116 123 and they will only offer reassurances. You're never alone in this world
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