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Old 09-14-2021, 04:24 PM   #1
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Default I'm on the verge of ruining my life forever

Hi, I'm new here, but I wanted somewhere I could post my experience because I really need this out there. So a I'm just an average 20 year old guy, and on the surface, no one can see anything wrong with me. But when I'm left alone in my thoughts, my mind goes into places that scare me on a daily basis. I have come to the realisation that I have an addictive personality, It's very easy for me to get addicted to stuff and it's out of control.

I was first exposed to porn when I was between 10 and 11, from a mix of TV porn channels (where you could watch naked chat girls) and finding out about online porn while i was browsing the internet on a gaming system (I also used to suffer from gaming addiction as a kid), it was the only thing I had access to with the internet, I was curious like any kid was and typed something silly in the google search bar, and as soon as I saw nude photos, I was hooked even as a kid. I would spend every night with those channels on the TV, this was before I even knew what masturbation was, and I was enjoying the feeling it gave me by watching it.

This sort of compulsion came and went for around 2 years until I received my first phone, which was able to view and download porn videos onto it, I remember vaguely downloading porn before my internet cut off in preparation, this was around the time I learnt about masturbation, and I was doing maybe 4 or 5 times a day. A lot of people think this is normal behaviour for a kid of that age just coming into puberty, but I beg to differ. Before long, it went from the average porn to more, lets say, niche categories, instead of going down the route of other taboo topics, I went down the path of MILFs, Now its not seen again, unusual by society, but that's where it got worse. I remember stumbling upon mature porn, 50+ year old women, I am not remotely attracted to someone of that, I like people of my age, but I think that since I got so used to the normal porn, I needed something more taboo to get the dopamine out of me. I did experiment watching other types of porn, thankfully I didn't get into that.

A lot of this continued, profusely, all the way through high school, during which, I had no attention from girls, hardly any friends and I was dealing with huge bouts of anxiety and depression, which definitely affected the scenario even more. Which brings me to the last year or so, which where things have become more and more concerning, I have been watching granny porn, I find myself throwing up at the idea of ever doing the deed with someone of that age, but in my sexually demented mind, the older, the better, when it came to porn. Its made me venture onto swingers websites and posting nudes of myself online, the latter was to get attention I wasn't getting in my real life, but also had a weird sexual thrill from it, even though that could definitely ruin my life if someone found out who I was.

So I was on these swingers sites, again I feel the idea of having sex with anyone's wife already disgusting, and I was using them to find older women, to engage with or anything really, I was desperate. During that time on these websites, I was being sexually harassed by other men, they were almost predatory going over straight guys like it was some kind of commodity, no matter how many I blocked, more kept showing up and messaging hundreds of times and the need for sex was so much, I was considering meeting up with them, or even a crossdresser, thankfully my nerves kicked before I ever attempted to meet up with anyone at all. Id keep deleting accounts and creating them again after a set amount of time. At this point, even joined a toyboy website in hope of finding older women on there, chatted to a few there, my conscience kicked in and blocked them.

The only times I had managed to beat at least most of my addiction was when I was starting to get into relationships (who were my own age) when I was around 18, in between them, this was going on, I tried so hard to be loyal because I'm not that sort of person. Now that I'm single again, its never been so bad, and I feel like one day, I'm gonna do the deed with somebody disgusting and ruin my life forever. No matter what I've tried, I can't escape this never-ending hell.
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Old 09-15-2021, 08:14 PM   #2
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Default Re: I'm on the verge of ruining my life forever

Dear newme2022,

Welcome to the Forums. It is very nice to meet you.

I am so very sorry you are suffering. I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful. Sadly my English is not very good. These Forums have helped me a lot with my own personal struggles, pain and grief. I hope this site will be helpful to you too. My apologies to you for not knowing how to be helpful. I want to wish you only the very best!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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