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PlushieCat
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Trig Jan 25, 2022 at 08:30 PM
  #1
My whole life seems to be just one giant joke. Everyday I discover new pain and experience old pain.

Growing up I didn't experience love, my parents were always busy with my siblings or work and didn't spend much time with me. My first sexual experience was when I was 8 years old. I was over at a older childs house for a sleepover just the two of us. She had me do things I do not want to get into. This only happened once.

After that I did everything I could to avoid sex or sexual topics, even covering my ears when someone said the word.

When I was about 19 I had my first boyfriend. I never felt sexual urges I just did what he wanted. I never went all the way with him though. After that relationship ended I tried dating, I would say sexual things, I would even send images, but I never crossed that line. When I was 21 I was raped, that was my first sexual experience. Afterwards I spiraled and just slept around with strangers.

I sometimes would find and date but I was abused by more or less all of them. They would use me for sex or money sometimes both. I have never stepped out of a relationship physically. But I have sent photos, videos, talked about sex and sexted. I do not know whats wrong with me.

On to my recent issue, I started to try dating online and I was always approached by men looking for a good time or catfish. I don't really get urges? I just go through the motions. I mean I'm able to sometimes achieve an orgasm and such. But thats just a bonus. I hadn't had sex in well over a year then the other day I messed up. I started talking to someone and then I met them in person and had unprotected sex. I am taking the morning after pill tomorrow. I can't believe how stupid I was. I just don't know, when I am triggered I can't control myself. Its like I'm not in control, my brain screams no but the rest of me just does things.

After the hook up, I drove home crying and upset. I deleted the apps/sites I was registered on. I also blocked and deleted men and messages. I can't stop crying and hating myself for doing what I did.

I have been diagnosed as:

Autistic
Major Depression
Anxiety
Panic disorder
Possibly Bi-Polar
Severe PTSD

Last edited by FooZe; Jan 26, 2022 at 01:21 AM.. Reason: added trigger icon
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Marie123
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Default Jan 26, 2022 at 07:05 AM
  #2
I am so sorry all of those horrific things happened to you. Seeing a therapist could help. Sending hugs.
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Smile Jan 26, 2022 at 04:54 PM
  #3
Hello PlushieCat: I see this is your first post so... welcome to MSF. I hope you find the forums to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you have had such awful, as well as confusing, experiences. I do hope you are seeing, or will be seeing, a therapist regarding all of this. That is the way to finally come to grips with what has happened to you in the past, what you are doing now, and how to live more healthfully in the future.

I enjoy reading (not-too-complicated) information regarding the workings of the human brain. And one thing in particular I read has stuck with me. This is that much more of who we are, as well as what we do, is controlled by areas of the brain to which we have no conscious access than we would typically imagine. So perhaps in your case there is material in non-conscious areas of your brain that is causing you to do things despite the fact your brain screams no? Of course I don't really know. Those are just my lay-person's "armchair thoughts" on the subject. However, perhaps working with a skilled mental health therapist might be a way to begin to figure this out? My best wishes to you...

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PlushieCat
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Default Jan 26, 2022 at 06:20 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello PlushieCat: I see this is your first post so... welcome to MSF. I hope you find the forums to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you have had such awful, as well as confusing, experiences. I do hope you are seeing, or will be seeing, a therapist regarding all of this. That is the way to finally come to grips with what has happened to you in the past, what you are doing now, and how to live more healthfully in the future.

I enjoy reading (not-too-complicated) information regarding the workings of the human brain. And one thing in particular I read has stuck with me. This is that much more of who we are, as well as what we do, is controlled by areas of the brain to which we have no conscious access than we would typically imagine. So perhaps in your case there is material in non-conscious areas of your brain that is causing you to do things despite the fact your brain screams no? Of course I don't really know. Those are just my lay-person's "armchair thoughts" on the subject. However, perhaps working with a skilled mental health therapist might be a way to begin to figure this out? My best wishes to you...
I am currently seeing a therapist, but due to how much my copays are I can't afford to see them more than once a month. I am trying to find other ways to achieve help.

I hate not being in control, so much control has been taken from me in my life. I can't stand it.
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Default Jul 27, 2022 at 08:54 AM
  #5
Welcome to msf, PlushieCat

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