Female Sex Addict Here

Hi - I have a ton of shame and I really would appreciate it if you all are kind and not making me feel bad.

I grew up in a hippie mountain town. My parents were hippies and my Dad would walk around naked, smoke pot playing bongos that kinda stuff.

My Dad would travel a lot because he worked very hard on low income

I was curious and I said I did want to see and I know now that I had very little ability to give consent just like my brother.

I have an addiction to uncircumcised penises in the United State of all places.

It has caused problems where I ask a guy if he is intact and it gets around. I was prescribed Ativan because I've been harassed by so many guys that I've never met in my town.

I would like to share more but I don't know if it's appropriate in this forum. I also don't know if it would even be possible to get better.

I'm in college and I'm studying biology but I think I will take a break and then move somewhere else after I get better.

Hello rachelholland: Thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry you had to be exposed to all of this. Welcome to MSF though. Hopefully being here can be of some help. There's a lot of support that can be available on the forums.

You mentioned not being sure what's appropriate on this forum. One thing you can always do is to private message any of the forum moderators before you post and ask their advice. (Their names appear in the bottom right-hand corner of the forum page. At least that's where they appear on my old laptop.) Everyone here on MSF is supportive and glad to help. Best wishes...

Hi @rachelholland

Sorry to hear you are suffering ...

Would it be possible that you are not a sex addict, but have some form of OCD and are suffering from intrusive thoughts (albeit of a sexual nature)?

Hi and welcome! Perhaps seeing a therapist might help.

Can you elaborate on this? I am at a college in the south eastern united states. I messaged a guy on Tinder if he was cirucmicsed and how big he was. I have been doing that for about a year. And he screenshotted the message and it went viral on discord.

People identified me and I received so many prank phone calls. I received texts that said things like enjoy your anteater dicks you sick *****. My address and phone was posted.

I dropped my classes and I am out of school now. I'm on Ativan and when I'm not on it I am very uncomfortable. I feel like something bad will happen to me.

Is it wrong that I ask guys if they are uncircumcised and big before anything else? It seems like the entire school was apalled at that behavior and I'm not sure if I can go back there.

@rachelholland

I was a sex addict for a period in my life following the breakup of a long-term relationship where I was codependent. It's like I was looking for the next big score, or I'd say to myself 'just one more time' (like an alcoholic might). I was cavalier in my approach and felt rushes and 'highs' (and I'm not bipolar) from the encounters. At the time, I had an inflated ego. And I was proud of my escapades... even though I knew, deep down, that I was on the wrong path.

The reason, I'm telling you this is because I have the sense that you are not a sex addict. Someone mentioned about that you might consider a seeing therapist. I think that would be a very good idea. It sounds like you're hurting a lot and I am sorry that you are experiencing pain.

The thing that came to my mind for you, in your case, was OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) for which there is a forum, here, on this site. You may want to google "OCD & intrusive sexual thoughts", as a place to start.

Again, I feel for you as you are clearly suffering. So sorry to know you are hurting. There was clearly a lack of boundaries when you were growing up, so be gentle with yourself. It's not your fault.

As a part of OCD (which I have some, too), we often feel something bad will happen. Intrusive or unwanted thoughts pop into our brain and sometimes we act on them or perform rituals so as not to act on them and prevent something bad from happening.

Another thing I first experienced when I was your age was 'derealization' : where things didn't feel real. I'm wondering if you are also experiencing that as well? It can be a scary sensation, but it is a reaction to stress.

Let me know if what I said makes any sense to you or rings any bells...

And let us know how you get on...

Hang in there! There are answers and solutions...

((((HUGS))))

I do feel like things aren't real especially when I am not on Ativan.

I can't function right now and I'm just sedated.

@rachelholland

Good on you for coming here to talk about your issue. This is a really good step.

Clearly, you are in great distress and my heart goes out to you.

You need a plan of action to get help.

Do you have a psychiatrist (known here as a 'pdoc')? Do you have a psychologist? You need someone to talk to who can give you some tools and insight so you can recover.

There will be better days ahead, although it must be overwhelming and perhaps not feel like it now. Hang in there!

I have a psychiatrist but not a psychologist. Sorry if I triggered anyone I just needed to get some things out. I think I am a sex addict. It's that I'm young and it will get worse. It's caused harm in my life and I don't know what to do.

So sorry to hear about the harm caused in your life... how do you know that it will get worse? What makes you say that?

Maybe bring up the OCD theory with your psychiatrist to see what she/he says? Would you do that?

I think it will get bad because I'm already well known at my college. There was a private discord channel that my profile and messages went viral to that a lot of students were on. My behavior was driven by sex so I didn't really care about social norms I just wanted what I wanted and now I am shunned. If I don't address this it will get worse. I'm not a pedophile or anything but I need to fix this now.

How do I get help about this? I don't know if I can change how I am wired sexually. I am so confused right now that I really don't know what to do but I was a happy girl that studied and minded her own business and now I'm a freak and my friends are choked. I don't know if I can go back there.

I really don't know where to talk about this. I signed up for the website at the top called Better Help but I got paranoid that I would be hacked because a lot of people know me. And I have already been doxed. I'm sure they would try to if they knew I was on that site. I used a fake email and a fake name for this site. My ex bf said there was no point in using Tor but he said if I changed my name and used a different email address I would be good.

I might get a therapist in person but I'm not at the city that I was at because I had to get out. I'm not really sure how to move past this. I didn't think this would happen to a girl in 2022. It's like wow and now I am just trying to fix my life and finish my degree at my school or elsewhere.

I also want to be a urologist maybe I have OCD I don't know that's just my interest area where I read when I'm bored. And I think I would be good at it but if this got out then it would be like yeah you're not fit to do that job.

I have had no sexual urges because I am so ashamed. I have no libido. None. For weeks. I'm disgusted with myself and ashamed of my urges.

I think you are being far too hard on yourself.

It does go against social norms to ask about a man's penis first thing, but it doesn't mean you are a bad person. You're human and made a mistake because you honestly didn't know better. I've made many social goofs myself.

Part of it for me is that I was raised in a home with no filters where people say exactly what they think. So for me, that's normal. I only learned when I went to college that other people don't say things like that. It's the same with you and your curiosity about penises. You are just repeating what you learned at home. And that is natural.

I think a therapist might help you figure out what the social norms are and how to follow them. There are also support groups (some virtual) where you don't have to give your real name. I go to a lot of those and only share my first name.

I appreciate the kind words but I don't care about social norms. I am only interested in dating men with very large uncircumcised penises. I don't want to follow social norms. I don't want to waste 3 dates before I find out what he looks like down there. I'm not open to dating smaller men or circumcised men.

I'm back at my mountain town on a higher dose of Ativan. I'm mostly keeping to myself but I might venture out of my apartment soon and try to gauge how I will be treated.

Getting therapy could be very helpful.

In my opinion, this sounds like a kink. You seem to enjoy big, uncircumcised men, which I personally don't think is an issue. It is a shame that someone shared your interests over Discord, and then got doxxed. I don't believe you deserved that at all!

I personally don't think that you liking this kink is OCD. Typically for OCD, you need to experience some sort of "distress" or "negative emotion" as a result of getting unwanted thoughts, urges, emotions or sensations. However by the sounds of it, it seems like you get a positive reaction when you think of men that fit your kink. Of course, I'm not a psychiatrist, so you'll need to get a professional opinion to be sure.

However, it does sound like you have some sort of trauma from getting doxxed, as well as from childhood. I can see why you are scared of leaving your apartment, and hope that one day you'll recover. Some trauma can result in issues as well. A common one with hypersexuals is that they may have experienced sexual abuse when they were younger.

As for if it is unusual to ask if a guy is big and uncircumcised? By social norms, yes. Is it wrong to ask it though? Personally I would say no. If you ask in a nice way, it should not be an issue.

On a side note, it sounds like you don't have friends, since they judged you for this incident. If you want to, and are over 18, I'm more than happy to chat with you. I know that "keeping to myself" might sound helpful, but it really isn't. It will likely just make you feel drastically worse! I know this because I did it, and it was horrible.

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery!