Sex at 6 I am 31 now, I need to fix this

Eduard92

Hello,

I am Eduard and I had sex with a girl that was 4 and I was 6, we did it everyday for like more than an year, there we no adults involved She taught me and we did it almost everyday... whenever we seen each other, because we knew to keep secrecy.



At 13 I got internet and I went deep into porn, like I saw before vcr or whatever magazines, but at 13 I saw ALL, in early 2000 deep web was the web, so I saw all the illegal porn, I don't wanna use the words as I am ashamed of them.
However I did not develop any addiction to the really f. up porn but I did to the regular hardcore porn, I had struggles with girls in highschool, as I felt I cannot get close to them on a deep level, I was afraid of hurting them, even tho I wasn't going to hurt them, I just felt shame, inferiority, guilt which was strangling my confidence.
To keep it short... my life went downhill at 26 when my father was abandoned by my mom because he is an alcoholic, which has his share of my traumas, they aren't sexual but they added to the inferiority complex, having a secretive life and crippling my self confidence.
So I came home to help him cause I though is wrong to just abandon him, but I could not find jobs and I had no friends, nothing, so porn started to become a big part of my life where it became compulsive for every stress possible, where it wasn't about pleasure but more about releasing.
Fast forward, now at 31, I decided in June I will not orgasm no matter what, so July I binged on porn for hours, had blue balls, I started to watch again the illegal stuff, I could not control it, but I felt even more guilt and shame to it but after for like 2 weeks of taking a beating from my addiction, I started to lose the connection between porn and physical orgasm so I started to lose interest in porn.
In august my alcoholic father got in hospital in another country and I think I suffered a trauma, because I still had no job and I though he gonna get crippled home and then this porn addiction started to show up really strong, I felt that compulsivity like a mf but I did refuse to orgasm or even watch.
Met a psychologist... she helped me with self confidence, guilt and how to talk to interviews and I got I think one of the best jobs in the city and I got hit by reality, that all the people in the office mostly have family, have a fappy life, going to clubs, going shopping, they laughing, they are happy.
I am horny everyday, I even orgasmed twice 3 days ago without porn, I could not hold it anymore, I just want to control this sexual energy, it hits me like a mother****er and I know its a pattern learnt from childhood.
I did check porn recently, I feel like I have let my guard down after I got the job, I do not want to have porn in my life or sexual thoughts, I wanna work, dream work and work again, everyday, till my career is stable, its all I want the next 6 months.

I am glad I didn't become a rapist, a pedophile, or whatever. But I just don't want to feel attraction to women, I don't want to feel horny, it triggers my god damn guilt and lack of self confidence like a piece of ****, I feel inferior to women because of this sexuality ****, because I have seen so many naked women in my life that I don't know how to talk with a normal woman.

Give me books videos, I need to figure out a pattern to implement

Samicat

I would think that first you need to forgive yourself for all this - it started way before you had any choice or free will, and it seems to me this is an addiction like any other. There are 12 step groups for sex addiction, and I would think specific treatment is needed Just do a search for self-help for sex addiction, or better yet for Porn addiction. Unfortunately I think this addiction is common given how much material is out there. And a lot of it is unwholesome to say the least. There's a site - your brain on porn, that talks about why porn is so destructive. Good luck with your journey.