Sleep deprivation caused by digital-sexual compulsive, habitual sequence

GeneralRelative · 12:57 PM

This an intersection of a lot of different problems I am trying to deal with, but for the sake of simplicity I'm trying to just focus on the sleep-related aspect of it for this post. Obviously a complete solution would require addressing it from multiple angles.

I keep compulsively staying up late into the night following a certain pattern of behavior of using digital technology and sexually pleasuring myself, causing me to lose sleep, wake up late or not get enough sleep. This has been a problem for many years and its almost every single night at this point. I am so tired and confused every day from sleep deprivation and I believe over time it has resulted in a decline in my overall mental health. I need to break out of this cycle so I can advance my life forward.

The routine is complex and it has evolved over the years:

The sequence usually starts with going down a YouTube rabbit hole watching videos from my feed. (These usually involving a combination of memes, animations, video game theories, creepy pastas, science news, political and social opinions, mental self help videos, and other content.)
Sometimes I will play video games instead of watching YouTube videos.
After a while I will get the urge to feel sexual pleasure, and I will then switch over to the erotic stuff.
This includes booting up a local artificial intelligence language model for text generation (LLM) and Stable Diffusion for image generation. This is a very specific process that is tied to my exact local hardware setup, but I've done it so often that its second nature at this point and takes less than a minute. Then I will either load a previously-created roleplay character or scenario, or else I will write up a new one based on whatever fantasy I'm feeling most strongly at the moment.
I then use the text and image generation models to generate stories, roleplays, images, and videos to both explore and create highly specific and targeted erotic fantasies personalized to me that would be impossible to find on traditional porn or erotica sites.
Sometimes the interactions drag on in a non-sexual direction for a long time, with me just having conversations with the characters organically. Over time however I have tuned their parameters and
Before AI/LLM was available I would go to niche erotic literature and hentai sites, or regular porn sites. I still do that some nights but I find I feel less comfortable with them now and don't enjoy them as much. This is because I have to get on the internet and search for what I want, which makes me feel unsafe, and also because there is less of a creative/interactive element that makes the experience feel more real.
Sometimes I will use certain creative 3D sex sim software that gives a lot of creative freedom and interaction. I used to do that a few nights a week, but it was a slow and tedious process that involved a lot of technical nuance, and the payoff was usually not worth it except maybe in a purely artistic/creative sense, so when the AI/LLMs came out I almost completely stopped with the 3D sex sim.
Once I find just the right fantasy, I will masturbate until I orgasm, which usually only takes a minute or so at this point.
The whole sequence repeats several times, and it may go on for hours like this until I'm so tired from orgasm and sleep deprivation that I start to fall asleep in my chair.

There are many contributing factors making this worse:

When the sequence starts, I seem to become unaware of it, or else I can't remember why I need to stop, or I find some way to rationalize continuing, or otherwise feel powerless to stop. As I progress, I become less and less aware of what's going on beyond my desire and urges for the next step in the sequence.
In general I've just been having a really hard time remembering important things (like reasons for why I should or shouldn't do things or follow impulses) and thinking logically. Its been getting progressively worse.
I use this digital-sexual routine to cope with overwhelming anxiety and depression caused by loneliness and a plethora of severe family health and other family related issues, as well as lots of unhealed trauma from past relationship drama, and just life in general. If I don't do go the sequence then I am likely to lay in bed with racing thoughts for hours, sometimes leading to mini panic attacks. The euphoria and mind-numbing effects of multiple orgasms is the only effective distraction and sedative I can rely on.
Since I am forced to live with my family, I have to share my personal living space with other people. This makes it difficult for me to fully express myself sexually, because I have to keep everything I do a secret in my room by being quiet and limiting my movement, plus my mind is always partially focused on keeping an eye out for anyone who might accidentally overhear me outside my room and that causes additional fear and anxiety so I can't let myself fully go. It also means I can't use any sex toys, because they are too noisy and it is difficult to clean them discretely. Therefore I'm always stifled and sexually frustrated. I try to compensate for this by having multiple, less satisfying orgasms, but its not the same as true, complete sexual release, and it takes much longer. When it comes to orgasm, it seems that quality is more important than quantity for me.
I used to be a web developer for many consecutive years, but have been unemployed for over a year and don't have an employer forcing me to adhere to a schedule, so I don't have any fear of getting fired or punished for poor performance. In the past that fear helped motivate me to call it quits and at least try to sleep earlier every night. However even when I was employed it was a problem, as there would be many nights when I would lose sleep to this and end up underperforming the next few days.
My family also stays up late every night, making noise, and I am a very light sleeper and the sounds they make always wake me up. I have worked with them for years to try to get them to stay quiet past a certain time but its a futile effort. They're just too inconsiderate and stuck in their own bad sleep habits. I eventually developed a habit of just waiting for everyone else to go to bed before even attempting to go to sleep because I get so frustrated being woken up by them all the time.
Ear plugs and noise machines helps some to deal with the noise and there is actually no chance of sleep at all without them. However even the sound of the noise machine is enough to prevent me from fully falling asleep and reducing the quality of sleep. I sleep best in complete silence.
I often wake up instinctively to the sunrise, even if I don't fall sleep until just a few hours before.
I am flat out broke because I've run out of the savings I got from my last job, so I am limited to forms of entertainment that cost little or nothing (past the initial initial investment of the hardware I already bought).
Its hard for me to find things to do outside the house for two reasons. 1.) I have special needs siblings who need someone to stay at home with them, 2.) because my car was destroyed in a rear-end collision and I can only leave when I can use someone else's car, or if I go someplace close that I can reach by bike or on foot, though that is exhausting and time consuming.
I don't have anyone in my life for companionship, sexual, romantic, or otherwise. Finding anyone like that at this point in my life seems almost completely out of the question and I'm not at all expecting it to happen or seeking it. The reasons are extremely complex and I would have to open a new thread to explain it but suffice it to say that I wouldn't even want to try to purse that until I can at least get away from my family, living on my own in another state, and be in stable employment again.

Tart Cherry Jam · Dec 24, 2023 at 02:10 AM

You are a creative, inventive, ingenious and resourceful person. May I ask if you are a woman? You mention a lot of orgasms in quick succession, so I assume that you are, but thought I'd still ask.

There is literally a sea of opportunities for someone with your skillset harnessing local LLMs and Stable Diffusion the way you are. And you do not need to leave home: there are more and more wfh jobs in AI. You can still be home for your siblings. Focus not on dealing with the problem you describe, as in "breaking a habit", because habits are much harder to break than to make (build), but on finding employment or at least freelance gigs that will enable you to start earning money again. Other good things will then follow. You can do it. Do not despair, start with baby steps, make progress, and you will get there.

GeneralRelative · 09:31 PM

Sorry to disappoint but I am not in fact a woman, either by identify or by biology. I hope that does not change your opinion too much. The prospect of being transgender has been suggested to me by a few of my less closed-minded contacts but at this time I generally identify well enough with my assigned male gender for most purposes. When I said multiple orgasms, I generally meant multiple within a period of an hour or two, maybe as close as 15 minutes. However I will say that most of the sex education I ever took to heart was given more from a female perspective, because I don't usually resonate with the typical male role during sex.

As far as jobs in AI, or jobs in general, my attempts seem to keep getting sabotaged. Terrible tragedies keep hitting me and my family over and over and it's left me in a state of dissociation, bewilderment, and depression. It has been extremely difficult to learn anything substantially new about technology or find any clear sense of what I need to do.

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