Why does my boyfriend want to be a girl?

I've been dating a guy for several months now who has gender issues. I, personally, am one of those females who likes sensitive men, so I kind of fell into a trap there. I have nothing against transgenderism or anything like that, but I personally feel that he would not make a good 'girl.' I can't bring myself to tell him that, though.

The bigger issue here for me is based on my own personal issues. I can't imagine why in hell anyone would want to be a girl. Every day I am extremely sensitive to the negative aspects of being female. I feel weaker--like I couldn't defend myself if someone wanted to take advantage of me--and I feel oppressed and not taken seriously. I dress sophisticatedly and act sophisticatedly but I'm not feeling like I'm being treated equally at all by males (and even females). Why would someone want to be in on the lower hand of the gender scale when they were born with it all?

I know my boyfriend has even had some bad past experiences that logically should make him NOT want to be a girl, but he still insists on it. The thing that blows my mind the most, though, is the fact that he does not act like a girl at all! The only thing that would give me a clue that he wants to be a girl is his sensitivity and his dislike for the male stereotype. But he hates the female stereotype too! But otherwise this is a guy who loves to fight, loves UFC, acts masculine, and even the way he talks is masculine. He loves the color pink and likes to wear feminine earrings. That's all I can see so far of it. He says he is comfortable with his genitals, too; just not the rest of his body for some reason (he wants breasts or something).

He has told me, when I've asked him about it, something about a 'splendor' attached with females. I can kinda see it and that's what I like about some females too (and I want to be that way), but I just do not see how all the other horrible things that come with being female (must I mention the 'crimson wave' or 'red sea' as i put it), such as the oppression and the pressure men put on us etc. etc. could be worth it. I would be perfectly happy as a male if I were born one (i.e. with the same personality), but because I was born female I'm not going to try to change it. I hate and love enough about both genders nearly evenly so I'm not going to trouble myself with a switch, even though I hate how I'm treated as a female.

BTW it's not a child bearing thing with him either--I know that's sometimes the issue with male to female transsexuals.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much, everyone.

hi 88,

i tried to post something yesterday, but then i thought i don't really know much about this issue anyway, and hoped someone else would come along with their insight instead. but i do want you to feel like someone has read your post at least, so i'm going to try and reply, but forgive me if i'm completely off the mark, ok?

it sounds like there are a few issues at play:
1) you have issues with your own gender. it's ok, sometime i fall into this too. but i think there are many aspects of being a female which are great also, which men don't get. i guess being a mother is meant to be one of them (i'm not a mum, and i'm kind of scared to be one, but i've heard lots of women say that this is the best aspect of their womanhood). but there are other things that i appreciate. i find a lot of guys are more willing to look out for me than they are to look out for their chums. i kind of feel protected that way. i like how i'm allowed to be interested in fashion, and also how i'm allowed to be emotionally expressive, when guys are typically expected to bottle it up. i'm not saying all aspects are great (and yes, i do think there is a fair amount of discrimination out there still), but it sounds to me a bit like your issues go a bit deeper than that? forgive me if i'm wrong. but if you agree, then maybe it's something you could talk over with someone you trust (your boyfriend, a parent, a therapist, whomever).
2) it sounds like you have expectations on what being a girl means, and you are projecting this onto your boyfriend. i was in a same-sex relationship for 5 years, and believe me, not every girl on the scene is "girly", and no - not every girl there wanted to be a guy. so if your boyfriend did go ahead with this transition, he would definitely find a group of girls he would fit in well with.
3) i can't really tell from your post if this transitioning is something your boyfriend really wants to do, or if right now he's just expressing his desire to be a woman. some people are that uncomfortable in their own bodies that they want to change genders, whereas some ppl are sad they are not the opposite gender but eventually grieve it and learn to accept the body/gender they were born with. because i was on the queer scene for a while, i met a lot of guys who dressed in drag and adored that opportunity to buy into the female splendour. hell, the inspired me to pick up my act!! and i'm a very very girly girl. but it was something they could radiate and bask in, if only for the night/weekend, and it was enough for them, and they could do it in a safe space where everyone was accepting. i guess that is something your boyfriend could try if he wanted?

i dont know if any of this is 'advice' as such... i'm sorry if it's not what you are looking for... i guess it's very hard for me to tell, because i dont know what your boyfriend wants, and also (importantly) what this would mean for you. i hppe you are able to find what you want somehow, though. good luck!

My previous boyfriend was a cross dresser. I was okay with that and even found it fun. Not sure you are having fun (doesn't sound like it). My BF was not feminine except when he dressed up. He didn''t want to be a girl.

I don't know if any of this helps. I am not feeling well today so I am having difficulty expressing myself.

If you haven't had a serious conversation with your bf about his possibly being a cross-dresser rather than a potential transgender, then you really need to. He sounds like he is very confused.

Because that's how his/her brain works.

Speaking for myself, the negative things about female pale into insignificance compared to a disjointed mind and body, which i would describe as a form torture, that i wouldn't inflict on my worst enemy.

As for not behaving particularly female, that's a pretty standard thing, as a lot of us suppress(ed) those feelings and try to behave more like our genetic gender, because that is what society expects.

My advice would be for him/her to talk to other trans people, then what he wants might become clearer.

I would recommend something similar for yourself, there are groups out there that cater for partners of trans people, and they might be of help for you as they will know what you are going through.
Take care